I have a buddy, that I play basketball with, that had the same thing happen to him. Him and his W with their two girls lived in a modest home and they decided to buy their dream home while they were having problems. He told me they did because they thought it would change things as well. They enjoyed 1 summer of it and had to sell it because nothing changed. They are now D'd and neither one of them could afford to keep it. He said they took a financial beating.
Let me add to what AS said from my own experience.
W and I bought our first house - it was absolutely perfect for our family. The school was excellent, close to both of our work, great space and large backyard.
Six months after we bought this 'perfect' house, she BD's me. Told me she's been unhappy for many years. I asked her why would she want to buy the house then - she pushed for it and found this house. She said, she thought things would change. We had to sell the house and break all of the family life apart - so hard on the kids.
So, lesson of the story - don't do anything until the M is repaired and in good state.
I just read on another thread where you ordered NMMNG. That's great! I hope you read it ASAP.
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Anyway, I may have mentioned that I recently got rated top performer at work, and simultaneously got promoted. This resulted in extra bonus money and two big raises back-to-back
Congratulations!
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The result is that she started looking for houses again. IN fact, the 3 of us went to two open houses yesterday. Obviously I am trying to stay even keeled related to this. And I will be glad to take feedback on what you think this might mean.
It's hard to tell at this point. How much house hunting might distract her from the singing app is anyone's guess. As for giving up on the search for a new house being what tipped the scales toward her WW mode........IDK.
You initially stated there had been intimacy problems for years. She has been on anti-depressant meds for a long time, which hasn't really resolved any problems. She had too much time on her hands and was bored after D went back to school. So then she gets into Internet dating sites and other apps, and she's in an EA. Would a new house be enough distraction to get her away from the apps and the OM? IDK, but I know it would be a very pricey chance. Eventually, the thrill of decorating a new house would wear off.......and then I think the old issues would surface again, b/c a new house is not the source of the M's intimacy problems. If you study why women don't want to be intimate with their H, and you set about in changing that dynamic.......both of you will find happiness. It will be much cheaper than purchasing a new house.
If there is a logical reason the two of you need to sell your current house (for example, if the current house is old and costing a fortune in maintenance) and purchasing a better house is smart business......then go from that angle. But don't go into deeper debt on a chance that this is the winning ticket that will buy happiness for your W.
Take Another Stander's post very seriously.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Update: Today is MC day and she is unsure if she is going. I actually would like her not to go since she is committed to working on things. However she wants to leave it open to whether she goes in future weeks. I don't like that.
I think if she skips tonight I'm going to tell her that i will be continuing IC from this point forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
For me, detaching isn't so much a conscious decision and you are done...
It is a series of smaller decisions that you can make daily.
It ties into the rules of DBing.
GAL, acting as if, no relationship talks...
What you will look back and realize is, that it wasn't a singular decision that you made, it became more of a way of just living your life, while giving space and time to your spouse.
Soooo...
One thing today Steve....just for you...
Find one thing to smile about...
One thing to talk about other than your situation...
One thing to look forward to , for tomorrow
Don't worry about whatever else is going on with your marriage.
