Thanks Mach1.Essentially that is how I am viewing MC.
As far as your 2nd post, very good advice. I appreciate the perspective.
I will work on the smile, talk and look forward to. I get the principle you're driving at here. I will start putting that together every morning before leaving for work.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So one thing I'm struggling with related to detaching is temperature taking. After my last temperature taking about a week ago, I've struggled with not following up. I haven't done it but the urge is there.
Obviously, i want to latch onto her positive comments made during that last temp taking. But as mach reminded me i can't trust anything she is telling me anyway.
So i come here to vent about this in any effort to not actually do it.
As Mach pointed out, detachment is in steps. I think I've taken a baby step here.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So one thing I'm struggling with related to detaching is temperature taking. After my last temperature taking about a week ago, I've struggled with not following up. I haven't done it but the urge is there.
Do you put your clothes in the washer and watch them go around ??
Or do you put them in, and find something else to focus on, until the timer goes off ???
So one thing I'm struggling with related to detaching is temperature taking. After my last temperature taking about a week ago, I've struggled with not following up. I haven't done it but the urge is there.
Do you put your clothes in the washer and watch them go around ??
Or do you put them in, and find something else to focus on, until the timer goes off ???
Focus on other things. point taken
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My 10 cents......if you don't snoop, if you don't ask R questions, if you don't initiate conversation, if you don't respond to text messages that are not a question, if you stop trying to mind read, if you don't tell her what your doing or where you are going, if you stop asking who, what, where, when, why questions you will start to detach. Time, space and distance.
IMO the actions you take will help with detaching but those actions don't mean your detached. Being detached is a state of mind.
I am 8 months in and am still probably not 100% detached.
Detachment isn't in 'steps'. It's like having a baby, you are either pregnant or you are not. You can't be sort of pregnant.
You can't be sort of detached.
It's a state of mind and body in which you are fine with the outcome. You are fine with R, you are fine without.
Temperature taking has nothing to do with detachment. Temperature taking is to know if you are still plan B. Nothing more nor less than that.
Imagine you are on water skis following a mad women in a power boat. First heading out to sea, then heading for the rocks, going fast behind the power boat. Following whatever madness is going on.
Detachment is standing on the shore, some say it's the lighthouse. It is doing what is right for you irrespective of the outcome. It is stopping the madness of following crazy loco.
It is strong.
It isn't letting go or moving on. Detaching is observing, you can still stand as long as you want to do so. You stand for R, healthy R which is good for YOU. Detaching is observer mode which puts you in the place which is good for you. The standing place is a place where whatever is, is OK as long as it is good for YOU. It is not ceasing to react, nor being unfriendly nor a place of revenge nor of control and manipulation. From that place you can do that which is good for you. And W temperature checking is just observed by you.
So what is letting go? Letting go is simply saying I no longer want my boundaries breached. It isn't there is no chance of R. It is this is my line in the stand, no more acquiesce. I am someone only a fool would leave. I am standing but actually these are my boundaries.
What is moving on? It is saying I am done standing, I am LRT.
What is done and over.........
I always say it is the LBS that decides done and over, at that point there is no point in temp checking. The LBS is plan A in their own life.
That is the way I see it.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
So one thing I'm struggling with related to detaching is temperature taking. After my last temperature taking about a week ago, I've struggled with not following up. I haven't done it but the urge is there.
You've gotten some really great feedback from Mach1, Joseph9 and Vanilla. I'm just going to add that detachment takes a whole lotta time. We all WANT to be detached ASAP, I mean BD is miserable enough, then we've got to find out that things just aren't going to be "fixed" in a couple of days or a week, and then it really sinks in that it's going to be months or even years???? Please, detach me right now! Where's the detachment button, because I'm pressing that bad boy! Unfortunately there's no quick fix to the M and no quick detachment either. It takes time. Eventually you'll convince yourself that you're detached, you'll say "I've finally done it, I'm detached!" But no, not yet. It's when you don't think about being detached anymore- you'll just be spending time with your kids, hanging out with friends, working out, dealing with work stuff, and oh yeah your W is in the mix somewhere. THAT is detachment. So back to your original quote:
Quote:
So one thing I'm struggling with related to detaching is temperature taking
There simply is no temperature taking in detachment. If you are temp checking, or thinking about temp checking, or trying to convince yourself not to temp check, or temp checking and telling yourself you have to because your sitch is different, any of those are NOT detachment. Detachment is when you don't temp check because you just don't care anymore. Her life is hers and yours is yours.
