From what I have observed on the board, whenever the term "temperature checking" is used, it is referring to the WS checking the LBS emotional response to determine if they are still Plan B. This usually comes through some form of manipulation by the WS.
Not that I have read every post on the board, but it is rare to see anyone refer to the LBS as making the temp checking. As Another Stander pointed out, it is not an action the LBS should even consider. Temp checks by a LBS causes them to appear as having low self-confidence. Since healthy self-confidence ranks high on the list of most attractive traits in men and women.......it only makes good sense that the LBS should not succumb to checking the emotional pulse of the one who wants to end the M.
When temp checks come from the WS, they are a form of manipulation. When temp checks come from the LBS, they are a form of pursuit.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I believe temperature taking from the LBS perspective is trying to gauge where the relationship stands. I have done this multiple times since my BD.
The last time was last Wednesday morning, as documented in my last thread. I even did it in a manipulative way by telling my wife that I noticed when she talked it about staying it was in terms of level of sadness, and leaving was discussed in terms of level of excitement. (Her response was that as we had frivolous fun in our MR, she felt less sadness in staying, and less excitement in leaving.
See what I did there? I got a temperature check without coming out and saying "where does our MR stand?" Terrible. Awful. Not something I am proud of.
So yes, since then I've been compelled at times to say "hey, how are we doing?" Usually not in those terms though. Usually in a sneaky, gauging way.
Obviously this is pursuit. "HEY! How am I doing in getting you to want to stay?" It is bad, and not helpful for detachment. And should be avoided at all costs.
So I am working on it. When I get the urge I try to distract myself. I try to remind myself that I can't believe what she tells anyway. Etc.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Temp checking only works at the point of checking. It won't hold at any other point.
The LBS checks if the WS ever thinks of them as Plan A. The WS checks if the LBS is there as Plan B.
Meaningless.
It's like boiling a kettle in a snow storm and measuring with a broken thermometer. What is the temperature and will it be that next week, month or year.
Give it up already.
False readings nothing manipulative. Just garbage.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Why is this stuff so difficult? I was really fighting the urge to start a R talk this morning. We were having a good morning too. But why the urge to discuss the MR comes on so strong or what triggers it i don't understand.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Maybe that's true. I guess I'm not sure how to not have it always at the back of my mind. i try to distract myself with various activities. But the undertow of this thing is always there.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Why is this stuff so difficult? I was really fighting the urge to start a R talk this morning. We were having a good morning too. But why the urge to discuss the MR comes on so strong or what triggers it i don't understand.
It's human nature. DB'ing is hard because it is counter-intuitive- it goes against human nature. Every fiber of your being is telling you that to get her back you need to pursue. IE, lavish her with love, attention and gifts, tell her you love her and will never let her go. And that stuff works in a normal R where you've had a fight and need to make up. But dealing with a WAS is another thing entirely. A switch has flipped in them and they don't want to be married anymore. Usually the only reason they are hanging around at all is because of the kids, otherwise most of them would dust off just after BD. There is no "making up" with a WAS. You've got to let her go her way while you work on you. At some point down the road she may get to the point of starting a NEW relationship with you, but until then you've got to put your focus on you and your D.
So how do you DB when your body and brain tell you not to, well you just accept that it's not linear. I don't think anyone here did it without a blackslide here and there, usually a temp check. But all a temp check ever does is confirm that yes, the WAS is still done with the M. Every.... freakin.... time. So whenever you get the urge to temp check just ask yourself, how did the last dozen temp checks go? Because yeah, that's how it will go again. So ask yourself if you really want to kep subjecting yourself to that. It's an emotional beating, and you'll get tired of it eventually and quit doing it.
But why the urge to discuss the MR comes on so strong or what triggers it i don't understand.
It's called the "illusion of action". You feel you have to do something, prove yourself, convince her to see things your way.
It's based on your fear of losing her. You are hoping that she says something that gives you hope which will temporarily stop the pain. The relationship talk rarely ever goes the way you want it to and then you just feel more pain. Then you push and pursue more to try to stop the pain. It's a fuched up cycle.
So my library has the DR book. I'm going to stop by and pick it up tonight. Then try to hide it. That will be a trick. Cant figure out how to stealthily get DB.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
