Sorry if my choice of words bothered you -- that said, your wife's perspective will be that you rifled through the trash to find the information so I'd be prepared for that.
Sometimes when people are unhappy they get money from family members, friends, or other sources in order to get away for a little while. You're assuming she's going to take family money but you may be surprised, that's all.
If you're worried about her mis-spending family money that's a separate issue that you should address independent of her vacation plans. If your understanding and agreements around "family funds" need to be tightened up then by all means you should do that.
Remember though, if your goal in doing so is trying to keep her in the house, she's going to resent that and ultimately that's not going to work. You need to fully open the cage door versus trying to lock it shut.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Sorry if my choice of words bothered you -- that said, your wife's perspective will be that you rifled through the trash to find the information so I'd be prepared for that.
Yes, it did rub me the wrong way. I'm not that pathetic.
Sorry to snap back at you when you said that, I know you are trying to help.
Figuring this whole thing out is a bit overwhelming, but I'm staring to make progress I think. I've been spending a lot more time with the kids and we have talked a lot. Its helped put my mind at ease about things so hopefully I can start to move forward more consistently.
I've been doing a lot of reading, reflecting and expiramenting, so I am going to have some questions about my technique here in the next few days.
A question in the meantime though. I mentioned that I finally did the Facebook thing. If I send my W a "friend" request, would that be considered pursuing? As I said, she still has a picture of the both of us as the profile pic, which I assume is to keep up appearances. This is what I want to do until the time comes that we can't. My dilemma is that I'm not sure how she would receive that request. Pursuing? Spying? Just take it in stride?
What do you think?
M: 25 T:33 Me: 48 W: 49 S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school A confirmed: 12-25-17 EA Definite PA Probable
First, reading the piece of paper you were burning isn't that far from rifling through the trash. Sorry, but you were looking for something no matter the circumstances. Own it.
Second, delete the FB account. You are not starting FB from a place of health. You are doing it to track her. Admit that too. Why after all this time did you "finally did the Facebook thing"??
Sorry if our feedback angers you. We are trying to help. Beating around bushes and tiptoeing around people's feelings do not help.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
A question in the meantime though. I mentioned that I finally did the Facebook thing. If I send my W a "friend" request, would that be considered pursuing? As I said, she still has a picture of the both of us as the profile pic, which I assume is to keep up appearances. This is what I want to do until the time comes that we can't. My dilemma is that I'm not sure how she would receive that request. Pursuing? Spying? Just take it in stride?
Steve, I appreciate your feedback, but you couldn't be further from the truth.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
First, reading the piece of paper you were burning isn't that far from rifling through the trash. Sorry, but you were looking for something no matter the circumstances. Own it.
I'm not going to rehash this, so suffice it to say that the information was impossible to miss. I didn't go looking for it. I didn't have to look for it. It was there, plain sight, not folded, hidden or obscured in any way. Anyone would have seen it. Nothing to own here.
Act's point was valid though. That is how she would see it.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
Second, delete the FB account. You are not starting FB from a place of health. You are doing it to track her. Admit that too. Why after all this time did you "finally did the Facebook thing"??
You have no idea why I would be starting a FB account, so allow me to edify.
I have let go of every friendship in my life that I have ever had. I quite literally have zero friends. This has happened for various reasons over the years and my W and family have been enough for me, but the time has come to reach out again. Some of them I truly want to be involved with, some I need to make amends.
Either way, I'm doing this for my mental health and to GAL, not to stalk my W. Maybe that is the reason you would do it, but that isn't the reason I am doing it.
If I wanted to spy on my W, I could have every text, post, email and picture in my possession in very short order. sandi2 gave me the advice not to spy because I can't unsee what is there once I find it. I am taking this advice because the texts I saw that confirmed the A are still in my mind and bother me a great deal; and they were mild compared to what I probably will find. There is plenty of time for me to gather that information should I need it.
My question regarding how to handle it with my W stems from not pushing her further away. Nothing more, nothing less.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
Sorry if our feedback angers you. We are trying to help. Beating around bushes and tiptoeing around people's feelings do not help.
I'm not angry and I do know you are trying to help. If you have read all of my sitch, I have said several times that I have very thick skin. I welcome honest feedback.
What I don't want is feedback based on someone reading a few lines and then assuming they know what is going on inside my head. Doing what we are doing is difficult enough on a message board. Making assumptions and giving advice without clarification compounds the problem. If you need more information from me, just ask.
M: 25 T:33 Me: 48 W: 49 S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school A confirmed: 12-25-17 EA Definite PA Probable
FB account, thats fine. Now asking your W as a friend...noup. If there is even the slightest chance that she takes it as snooping, spying, stalking, pursuing, pressuring, you're screwed. So don't do it. WWs take things pursuing and pressuring that you could never imagine. Example. My W got noted that her businesses taxes were late and they are going to be foreclosured. Guess what? That's just me pressuring her. Really. If you think you know whats coming...think again. This is roller coaster on steroids. And that's an understatement. So buckle up and keep your hands inside the vehicle.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
Steve, I appreciate your feedback, but you couldn't be further from the truth.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
First, reading the piece of paper you were burning isn't that far from rifling through the trash. Sorry, but you were looking for something no matter the circumstances. Own it.
I'm not going to rehash this, so suffice it to say that the information was impossible to miss. I didn't go looking for it. I didn't have to look for it. It was there, plain sight, not folded, hidden or obscured in any way. Anyone would have seen it. Nothing to own here.
Act's point was valid though. That is how she would see it.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
Second, delete the FB account. You are not starting FB from a place of health. You are doing it to track her. Admit that too. Why after all this time did you "finally did the Facebook thing"??
You have no idea why I would be starting a FB account, so allow me to edify.
I have let go of every friendship in my life that I have ever had. I quite literally have zero friends. This has happened for various reasons over the years and my W and family have been enough for me, but the time has come to reach out again. Some of them I truly want to be involved with, some I need to make amends.
Either way, I'm doing this for my mental health and to GAL, not to stalk my W. Maybe that is the reason you would do it, but that isn't the reason I am doing it.
If I wanted to spy on my W, I could have every text, post, email and picture in my possession in very short order. sandi2 gave me the advice not to spy because I can't unsee what is there once I find it. I am taking this advice because the texts I saw that confirmed the A are still in my mind and bother me a great deal; and they were mild compared to what I probably will find. There is plenty of time for me to gather that information should I need it.
My question regarding how to handle it with my W stems from not pushing her further away. Nothing more, nothing less.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
Sorry if our feedback angers you. We are trying to help. Beating around bushes and tiptoeing around people's feelings do not help.
I'm not angry and I do know you are trying to help. If you have read all of my sitch, I have said several times that I have very thick skin. I welcome honest feedback.
What I don't want is feedback based on someone reading a few lines and then assuming they know what is going on inside my head. Doing what we are doing is difficult enough on a message board. Making assumptions and giving advice without clarification compounds the problem. If you need more information from me, just ask.
Sorry but FB is not the way to make real friends. I was on FB for 3 months back in 2009 before I deleted it. Never looked back. And I have more friends than I have time to spend with them! If you are relying on FB to foster friendships I am afraid you are in for a disappointment. FB friendships are at arms' length at best.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry but FB is not the way to make real friends. I was on FB for 3 months back in 2009 before I deleted it. Never looked back. And I have more friends than I have time to spend with them! If you are relying on FB to foster friendships I am afraid you are in for a disappointment. FB friendships are at arms' length at best.
I am well aware of the pitfalls of FB. I'm not going to fall in to them.
Again, if you read what I wrote you would understand that it is not to make friends. It is to find and reach out to the old ones I never should have let go of and make amends where I need to. I only know where one of my old friends is and that is because I went to his funeral 21 years ago. The rest I have no clue. FB is simply a tool to help find them.
As I said, I have let friends go throughout my life for various reasons. Maybe we will become friends again, maybe not. At least I will have made the attempt.
Think of this as part of my 12 step program, if you will. I need to get myself right before I can get my marriage right. Isn't that part of DBing?
M: 25 T:33 Me: 48 W: 49 S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school A confirmed: 12-25-17 EA Definite PA Probable
rminer, well you know your sitch better than I do. But it seems pretty early in your "finally doing the FB thing" you wanted to befriend your WW on there. Just seemed like a red flag. I am not accusing you of anything but be honest with yourself.
And you are right. I would use FB to spy, snoop, track, etc. Which is why since BD, though the thought has crossed my mind to set up an account, I've resisted with all I have.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
FB account, thats fine. Now asking your W as a friend...noup. If there is even the slightest chance that she takes it as snooping, spying, stalking, pursuing, pressuring, you're screwed. So don't do it. WWs take things pursuing and pressuring that you could never imagine.
Thanks. Kinda thought that would be the answer, but wanted another
Originally Posted By: petri
If you think you know whats coming...think again. This is roller coaster on steroids. And that's an understatement. So buckle up and keep your hands inside the vehicle.
Damn. I used to love roller coasters too.
M: 25 T:33 Me: 48 W: 49 S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school A confirmed: 12-25-17 EA Definite PA Probable
