Things like this. I'll say "I have a question." She'll say "Oh, you want sex?"
Or last week our bedroom door, that locks, was working right and if you latched it sometimes it wouldn't open. So I said "We are going to have to not latch our door until I can fix it." And she said: "Oh, that means we can't have sex until its fixed!"
A few days ago I said something about needing to do something, and she said "Oh is that what you are referring to sex as now?"
There are more, they are wide and varied. I haven't been taking notes since I mostly just blow them off. But averages about 1 a day, some days none but other days multiple.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
How important is it that she not know I am reading the DR book? I didn't make it to the library last night but I am going straight there after work today. However, I do not see how I can read this book without her knowing. I guess I could read it in the truck at lunch time. But I usually read much more voraciously than that. I read a book recently In about 4 days. I think DR would take me less than a week if I read like I normally do. Reading it only at lunch will take me a lot longer especially since I WFH on Fridays.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
How important is it that she not know I am reading the DR book?
I would say that there are two major reasons that you dont want to share it with her.
1) If shes already pushing to get out of the relationship, then this will feel like manipulation and will only make he resist harder. She is saying that she wants out of the relationship and youre reading books on how to save the relationship...
2) Its not much of a leap to suggest that she would come running right here if she is at all curious.
Things like this. I'll say "I have a question." She'll say "Oh, you want sex?"
Or last week our bedroom door, that locks, was working right and if you latched it sometimes it wouldn't open. So I said "We are going to have to not latch our door until I can fix it." And she said: "Oh, that means we can't have sex until its fixed!"
A few days ago I said something about needing to do something, and she said "Oh is that what you are referring to sex as now?"
There are more, they are wide and varied. I haven't been taking notes since I mostly just blow them off. But averages about 1 a day, some days none but other days multiple.
To me, it seems like she is baiting you with these. Trying to get you to react...
How would you have handled these statements pre-bomb ??
Would she have been irritated with how you handled them pre-bomb ???
Remember when I said that everything is a test ??
I think that the answer lies somewhere around your answers to the above questions and where you are now....
I would say that she is seeing things a little different within you recently.
And she is maybe trying to see that, since the band broke up, you are taking your solo act on the road... : )
Seriously though...
I would say that some of it is a test...
Some of it is her being inquisitive...
Some of it is her actually showing glimpses of herself...
I wouldn't bring too many ants to that picnic though.
Steve focuses on Steve....
And IF she decides to come around, you won't have to guess or look for any signs
I'm taking it that the point for us LBSs is to be ready to pull the plug?
Steve, I didn't want you to read it as way to lean some new strategy in your M. That should not be the goal or purpose behind it. I had hoped you could determine if you had the same traits as the book describes, b/c if you do.....then it affects all your relationships in life (personal, impersonal, business, etc.). Of course, it will affect your most intimate relationship the most.
It is not to share with your W. At least, not while going through this crisis. It is strictly for you. It is to see yourself and why/how you operate in relationships the way you do. Not only to help you see, but hopefully, you would know what to change........b/c if you continue to repeat what isn't working in your relationships, your life won't change for the better.
Quote:
How important is it that she not know I am reading the DR book?
It's very important. Of course you can read the DR, or any other book without her seeing you. Come on.....that's just an excuse. Why would you need to pull it out in fron of her to read it? Leave the house, or go home later after work in order to have reading time. She doesn't have to know what you are doing. It doesn't hurt to be a little mysterious!
When you have a spouse who is not genuinely interested in having a better MR, she will accuse you of just trying to follow something in a book. It won't impress a WW. Which in reality, that is what you need to do, but she will twist it around to make you look as though your actions are just some type of ploy to get her to stay. Some have compared it to a football play book. You don't show the other team your play book. Make sense?
You can make it happen, but you've got to do the work!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Things like this. I'll say "I have a question." She'll say "Oh, you want sex?"
Or last week our bedroom door, that locks, was working right and if you latched it sometimes it wouldn't open. So I said "We are going to have to not latch our door until I can fix it." And she said: "Oh, that means we can't have sex until its fixed!"
A few days ago I said something about needing to do something, and she said "Oh is that what you are referring to sex as now?"
There are more, they are wide and varied. I haven't been taking notes since I mostly just blow them off. But averages about 1 a day, some days none but other days multiple.
Very interesting. Sounds like she wants to put sex back on the menu, which I might add is not unusual for a WAS to do. It doesn't mean she wants to recon, but she may very well miss the sex. Incidentally if the opportunity presents itself Michele's take on it in DR is it is OK to keep having sex with a WAS as long as you can do it without expectations. IE, if it messes with you mentally then maybe refrain, but if you can handle it mentally then go for it. If she keeps dropping these hints then next time I would just come out and ask "you sure have been hinting at sex a lot, is that something you're interested in resuming?" If she says no then just shrug your shoulders and continue what you were doing, don't make a big deal out of it one way or the other.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
How important is it that she not know I am reading the DR book? I didn't make it to the library last night but I am going straight there after work today. However, I do not see how I can read this book without her knowing. I guess I could read it in the truck at lunch time. But I usually read much more voraciously than that. I read a book recently In about 4 days. I think DR would take me less than a week if I read like I normally do. Reading it only at lunch will take me a lot longer especially since I WFH on Fridays.
You can actually read through it pretty quickly, but it's more helpful to read it many times as you'll absorb new info each time. You're supposed to be GAL'ing anyway, so maybe keep it hidden in your truck go hang out at a park and read? Or go to a coffee shop or something? You should be trying to spend some time (outside of work) away from your W.
To me, it seems like she is baiting you with these. Trying to get you to react...
How would you have handled these statements pre-bomb ??
Would she have been irritated with how you handled them pre-bomb ???
Prebomb I would have made comments about "yeah right" or "why are you teasing me?" or "I would have jokingly went along with it." (For reference we had sex twice last year prebomb, the last time being last summer. We did have sex a few weeks ago post bomb.)
Prebomb she would not have made those comments. I can't really pinpoint when she quit ever joking about sex, but it was at least months ago. And even then the comments were more mocking (like using a goofy voice for me saying things like "yeah, i want sex!"). Not flirtatious at all. These are more flirtatious. I think you are right on the money about her trying to get a reaction, testing me to see if my reaction has changed.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm taking it that the point for us LBSs is to be ready to pull the plug?
Steve, I didn't want you to read it as way to lean some new strategy in your M. That should not be the goal or purpose behind it. I had hoped you could determine if you had the same traits as the book describes, b/c if you do.....then it affects all your relationships in life (personal, impersonal, business, etc.). Of course, it will affect your most intimate relationship the most.
It is not to share with your W. At least, not while going through this crisis. It is strictly for you. It is to see yourself and why/how you operate in relationships the way you do. Not only to help you see, but hopefully, you would know what to change........b/c if you continue to repeat what isn't working in your relationships, your life won't change for the better.
Quote:
How important is it that she not know I am reading the DR book?
It's very important. Of course you can read the DR, or any other book without her seeing you. Come on.....that's just an excuse. Why would you need to pull it out in fron of her to read it? Leave the house, or go home later after work in order to have reading time. She doesn't have to know what you are doing. It doesn't hurt to be a little mysterious!
When you have a spouse who is not genuinely interested in having a better MR, she will accuse you of just trying to follow something in a book. It won't impress a WW. Which in reality, that is what you need to do, but she will twist it around to make you look as though your actions are just some type of ploy to get her to stay. Some have compared it to a football play book. You don't show the other team your play book. Make sense?
You can make it happen, but you've got to do the work!
I understand about the nice guy book. But it did seem to me the point from my standpoint is to stand up for myself and not take any crap. Which would mean being able to walk away instead of being a doormat.
The book was good. Like I said before I am not a textbook nice guy, but I did have a tendency to sometimes do things for her thinking it would get me sex. And I can be pretty passive-aggressive at times.
I will figure out how to read the DR book without her knowing. Like I said I will not be able to read it as quickly that way though.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
