I've put some thought into the convo the W and I had yesterday, and I'm confused as what path to take from here. There have been several times since the BD, that W has made the comment, "it's things like this that are pushing me away" when I go dark. Is this just manipulation on her part (trying to guilt/scare me into getting attention) , or is it something I should be paying more attention to (a legitimate concern and that it is pushing her away)?. There were times before the BD where I would not respond to texts or calls and I know that it upset her. I thought going dark was a 180 for me, due to all the pursuing I did after the BD. But the more I think about it, it might just be some of the same old thing I was doing before BD. I'm definitely aware that it has gotten her attention, and it seems to have shaken her up. I guess I'm confused as to if this is a good thing or not. Because if it's good, I don't won't to backslide by being more available...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
mtb, I struggle with the same. No question about it, that our bad behavior prior to BD causes us to question the right behavior since BD. But DBing and DRing are proven methods. We have to trust in them. As hard as that may be. They are counter intuitive but they do work.
I really believe your WW is simply trying to control you. Yes she is being manipulative. She might be even more devious knowing that throwing up past behavior would be overt, so she just complains about what she used to complain about knowing you'll remember the same thing prior to BD.
The point is that you are having an effect on her. Keep it up. The more you pull away the more curious she'll get. Remember, before BD when you wouldn't answer or respond you always came home to her that night! Now that she is moved out, it will really stick in her crawl that you aren't responding because she has no way of confronting it later like she did before. Believe it or not that is a good thing.
So yes your concern is legitimate, and I share it. I was bad about ignoring her phone calls and voicemails, or responding to her texts before BD. Maybe this is an approach:
When she calls, let it go to VM. If it is important she'll leave a message and you can call her back, but be brief and stick to only the topic she left a vm about. If there is no VM, then no response is necessary.
When she texts you, if she asks a question, answer it but be as brief as possible. "Can I sleep at the house tonight?" "No." If it is open ended use a few words as possible. "What do you think about me getting a cat?" "You should do what makes you happy."
If her text doesn't have a question. Read it. And don't respond. "Why don't you ever answer my calls??" "You ignoring me is making me not want to go to MC!" Just let them lie.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
