Steve, I'm sorry I missed most of your thread but I'm so happy to hear you and your wife are re-connecting. That's so great. I hope everything falls into place for both of you. That's like a big dream for many of us to have a chance to be with our spouse again.
You won't score any brownie points throwing her a BD party, especially since she has said she did not want one. If she wants to mourn the fact she got to live 50......then let her, by all means.
I would talk to D14 about it, and see if she wants to take her mom out to eat. Then you could take her to one of those places where the waiters all gather around your table and sing Happy Birthday!
If there is anyone there that knows her.......I'm sure they won't look to see who has a BD.
Thanks Sandi. she's stated she doesn't even want to go out. I offered to take her and D to Ruth's Chris since D has never been. She said no i don't ever want that. So it looks like I'll just pick up pizza and an ice cream cake. She lobes ice cream.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, I'm sorry I missed most of your thread but I'm so happy to hear you and your wife are re-connecting. That's so great. I hope everything falls into place for both of you. That's like a big dream for many of us to have a chance to be with our spouse again.
Thanks Nicole. I'm optimistically skeptical at this point.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
sorry you are here, but it's a good place to be for crummy reasons.
You posted a few things that confuse or concern me. You mention the EAs as if they are the big deal breakers in the marriage (I'm not minimizing them. That would hurt any spouse).
But even though you concede that there were issues before then, you were apparently content to ignore them. Can you explain?
For instance, you wrote that you had not had sex but a few times the previous year. That's a red flag with a blinking strobe light to me. Why was that not addressed?
You also wrote the following: Couple this with my anger, resentment and constantly making derogatory statements and it was the perfect storm.
What are you doing about these^^^ ? Can you imagine any woman, regardless of her age or medication, just taking this type of behavior? is it possible that part of the reason she was depressed was the way you treated her?
What if the medications helped keep her in the marriage? (I'm asking).
Finally, I'm not clear about your threat that she has to shape up or you'll file for divorce and you give an actual date. Aside from the vagueness of what it is you feel she must do for you to not file...
I have never seen that work and frankly, given the issues of your own which you need to own, couldn't she make the same threat?
in fact SHE did say she wanted out of the marriage. Then you came here to save the marriage, not her. But you are also trying to hold the divorce sword of Damocles over her head. I worry that you are deflecting from your own work and staring at hers. A lot. That you are in a power struggle with her of who can walk out first or fastest and who will "win", etc.
Maybe if you stay in your sandbox and don't worry about what she's doing in her sandbox, you would have more success.
There are a lot of issues that went into her reaching out to other men, and they are not small issues.
What do you think you can do in your sandbox, without checking on hers?
Last edited by Cadet; 03/06/1811:56 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
sorry you are here, but it's a good place to be for crummy reasons.
You posted a few things that confuse or concern me. You mention the EAs as if they are the big deal breakers in the marriage (I'm not minimizing them. That would hurt any spouse).
But even though you concede that there were issues before then, you were apparently content to ignore them. Can you explain?
For instance, you wrote that you had not had sex but a few times the previous year. That's a red flag with a blinking strobe light to me. Why was that not addressed?
You also wrote the following: Couple this with my anger, resentment and constantly making derogatory statements and it was the perfect storm.
What are you doing about these^^^ ? Can you imagine any woman, regardless of her age or medication, just taking this type of behavior? is it possible that part of the reason she was depressed was the way you treated her?
What if the medications helped keep her in the marriage? (I'm asking).
Finally, I'm not clear about your threat that she has to shape up or you'll file for divorce and you give an actual date. Aside from the vagueness of what it is you feel she must do for you to not file...
I have never seen that work and frankly, given the issues of your own which you need to own, couldn't she make the same threat?
in fact SHE did say she wanted out of the marriage. Then you came here to save the marriage, not her. But you are also trying to hold the divorce sword of Damocles over her head. I worry that you are deflecting from your own work and staring at hers. A lot. That you are in a power struggle with her of who can walk out first or fastest and who will "win", etc.
Maybe if you stay in your sandbox and don't worry about what she's doing in her sandbox, you would have more success.
There are a lot of issues that went into her reaching out to other men, and they are not small issues.
What do you think you can do in your sandbox, without checking on hers?
Thank you for the thoughtful and thought-provoking post.
But even though you concede that there were issues before then, you were apparently content to ignore them. Can you explain?
I'd suggest you go back and read my original thread. It gives more of the details. But in short, WE (her and I) ignored them for largely the reasons so many spouses do. We have had some really good times, where our marriage has been great, but then long periods of being as disconnected as two married people can be.
Mostly it was not prioritizing the other person's needs properly on both of our parts. Not putting in the work necessary so make a marriage work. Until the most recent events in December and the limbo that has resulted in the last 2 1/2 months.
For instance, you wrote that you had not had sex but a few times the previous year. That's a red flag with a blinking strobe light to me. Why was that not addressed?
Again, the sexual issues in our marriage started from pretty much the moment we walked down the aisle. We tried to deal with it in various ways, none of them were very good or healthy. But this is the basis of my resentment, anger, complaining and cutting remarks.
I need to let you know that my criticism was never about her looks or anything like that. It was about how bad of a house keeper she was, or that she hadn't done anything all day (she is stay at home). I am not trying to minimize it. Her love language is words of affirmation, so the opposite of those is incredibly destructive. In fact, my criticism of her is the one thing she may never really be able to get past and could ultimately kill our marriage even if I never utter another criticism from here on out.
Couple this with my anger, resentment and constantly making derogatory statements and it was the perfect storm.
What are you doing about these^^^ ? Can you imagine any woman, regardless of her age or medication, just taking this type of behavior? is it possible that [i]part of the reason she was depressed was the way you treated her? [/i]
So I told you where this behavior originated. Again not an excuse, and I have 180'd on this since BD. Now when there are dishes piled up in the sink I ignore them. If they begin bothering me too badly then I take care of them myself. I had gotten lazy myself in helping her with the care of the pets, I am splitting those duties with her now and not fussing about it the way I used to. (We keep the dogs in the mud room when they are wet from being out, and I am usually the only one to sweep and clean in there. I would fuss the whole time prior to BD. Now I just do it with a smile on my face and whistle on my lips!)
Also we are in MC, and I am working with the counselor related to this behavior as well. If she stops MC which she has considered, I will continue with IC to work on me.
What if the medications helped keep her in the marriage? (I'm asking).
Very possible. Hard to say obviously. I do wonder how much of our recent problems are related to the meds. If you do some research on those medications there are lots of stories of spouses going wayward while on them (both sexes too) only to come back to "normal" once weaning off of the meds. My biggest concern with my W is that her medical doctors have just been writing prescriptions. They might give a cursory "you should talk to someone" but then hand her a script for 6 more months and send her on her way. The MC has suggested her having a full psychiatric evaluation and she is open to it, but has not followed through with making an appointment. She may not even be alive without the meds since she was having suicidal thoughts that prompted her doctors to prescribe the ADs.
As far as my date for filing, it really was to make sure she understood that limbo was not a long-term way I was willing to live. That at some point she had to make a decision. Either stay or go. Losing her will be hard. Really hard. But I would much rather lose her than stay in a state of limbo for years. However, I have never told her that I am planning on filing if she isn't fully committed to the marriage by the end of the year. That has been only for me.
But I learned very early on (like 3 days after BD) that I had to change my approach. For the first 3 days I did all of the classic mistakes. Begged. Pleaded. Reasoned. Told her how hard it would be on our D. How hard it would be on both of our families (my family loves her and her family loves me). I moped. Cried. Walked around with a long face.
Then I found DBing. And was told I needed to let go and focus on myself. While I haven't been perfect in DBing (as documented here) I did start seeing immediately results.
For instance, she told me she wanted out and was looking for jobs and apartment. On day 3 after BD I told her I couldn't control her, that it took 2 to make a marriage but only 1 to divorce. She immediately started hedging and saying things like "I didn't want to tell you until after the holidays in case I change my mind." Small things like that. But in short, I am concentrating on the one person I can control. ME.
But if you think about it that includes eventually filing. I've been in contact with an attorney. He knows the situation. He advised me to be the one to file. In fact, when the issue of filing came up with her she was very content for me to be the one to file. But again, I gave no time frame.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
