Well after a decade of living like roommates, waiting for a show of remorse waiting for reconciliation, doesn't sound like a M.
unfortunately, most of our marriages were like this before BD, but you're right, it isn't much of a M. You now have an understanding that M can and should be so much more, and going through this process we gain tools that can help a M flourish in the future.
Anyway, if you're waiting for her, then you are doing it wrong. I do not define "Standing for my Marriage" as following the spouse around looking for scraps. For me, it stands for keeping the door open and a willingness to find in my heart forgiveness and an openness to reconciliation if my S decided to 100% recommit.
This time is best spent on becoming the best person you can be, so if the opportunity presents, it will translate into the best Husband. Be nice, be cordial, but do your thing, and until she's 100% committed to the M, she's not in the M. So if you want to stand for your M, you will stand alone for now.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Well after a decade of living like roommates, waiting for a show of remorse waiting for reconciliation, doesn't sound like a M.
unfortunately, most of our marriages were like this before BD, but you're right, it isn't much of a M. You now have an understanding that M can and should be so much more, and going through this process we gain tools that can help a M flourish in the future.
Anyway, if you're waiting for her, then you are doing it wrong. I do not define "Standing for my Marriage" as following the spouse around looking for scraps. For me, it stands for keeping the door open and a willingness to find in my heart forgiveness and an openness to reconciliation if my S decided to 100% recommit.
This time is best spent on becoming the best person you can be, so if the opportunity presents, it will translate into the best Husband. Be nice, be cordial, but do your thing, and until she's 100% committed to the M, she's not in the M. So if you want to stand for your M, you will stand alone for now.
Wells aid. The other things is that the WAS/WS was part of that roommate equation too! I know they love to rewrite history and blame the LBS for all of it, but they were 50% to blame for the state of their MR too! They (and we sometimes too) forget that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wells aid. The other things is that the WAS/WS was part of that roommate equation too! I know they love to rewrite history and blame the LBS for all of it, but they were 50% to blame for the state of their MR too! They (and we sometimes too) forget that.
I haven't forgotten. I want a proper reconciliation and suspect that many here experience something less than that.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Oldest D18 we took to college in Oct. She is doing very well. D15 seems fine. There is no tension at home.
We still eat together often, When W is out, bible study group has socials and charity events, we eat just the two of us. She is in full teen mode and has her life.
W really seems to like to spend time with me. Who wouldn't? She shares a lot of stories and I validate. She has become more independent and I support it. I make a point to leave early.
I ask very little of W.
We are like happy roommates.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Thanks for the perspective with kids. As you can tell I have a D14 that I worry immensely about.
Can I ask about this: 12/17 W says moving out after schools out 5/18
What is it about school being out that makes it so important for her to pick that date?
Good question.
I believe that W using it as some sort of passive-aggressive threat. A leverage against any perceived threat from me. Not any physical threat but a way to prevent any R talk etc. A way to retain power.
W has said she is going to see if D15 wants to continue in the same school. Yesterday W texted something about the school. I responded, "Is she even planning to go to that same school next year?" W responded, "As far as I know."
IDK
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Thanks for the perspective with kids. As you can tell I have a D14 that I worry immensely about.
Can I ask about this: 12/17 W says moving out after schools out 5/18
What is it about school being out that makes it so important for her to pick that date?
Good question.
I believe that W using it as some sort of passive-aggressive threat. A leverage against any perceived threat from me. Not any physical threat but a way to prevent any R talk etc. A way to retain power.
W has said she is going to see if D15 wants to continue in the same school. Yesterday W texted something about the school. I responded, "Is she even planning to go to that same school next year?" W responded, "As far as I know."
IDK
As someone said last week, you can't apply logic to a WW. It is like trying to apply logic to zany, whacky, looney!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
They do things to remind us that they are in control and test to makes sure that you are still an option. They use sex and other techniques.
The best we can do is to DETACH.
At the least it keeps them guessing and regains some power. Silly game.
Why not have a discussion like adults that they once loved and now at least respect each other?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Because, you are not dealing with an adult. You are dealing with a Girls Gone Wild, I want what I want, selfish, crazy, irrational and illogical WW.
Think about it. Most of these WW had it all. My wife didn't have to lift a finger. (Sure I would criticize her for that but she still never lifted a finger.) All of her financial needs were met. She has a great family (not perfect, but great). She is respected by friends and family, and our church. She is very involved with the ladies at church, and involved in the church as well.
Most would look at our life as a family and say "I want that!" No money worries, great house in a great location.
But then the self focus starts. "I want what I want." "I gave up my career (very happily and willingly at the time I might add!), dreams, ambition and self for him and our daughter!" "I am turning 50 and I want to live for me now!"
Her and my D are very close. Yet on BD, and for a while after, she was talking about moving into an apartment and having our D over for "sleep overs". HUH?? Irrational. Selfish.
Her attitude was: "I want to give up a life of luxury that I have for one of scraping by and barely making it!" But as sandi2 would point out, it is because she is focused on being Girls Gone Wild, I want what I want, selfish, crazy, irrational and illogical, and most of all: WAYWARD!
Heck the one online dating profile even described herself as "a good girl but with a bit of rebelliousness". HUH?? The woman I've known for 21 years has never been rebellious! Where did that come from??
So yes, sitting down like the adults we are and discussing things lovingly, with respect, and openly (no dishonesty) would be great. But when it comes to a WW that isn't going to happen until they go through sandi2's steps to ending their waywardness.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
