I'm with you. I can tell other people what they should do much better than actually doing it myself!
You've given me some good advice, Steve, and I thank you for that. And by making your comment, you know what you need to do, so you just need to do it, no matter how hard...
Here is what has helped me. I've been trying to view my sitch as though it were someone else's, and think about what I would tell them to do. Another thing I have been doing is pretending that it's already over. That she's not coming back, and I need to make my decisions based on having a life without her. Is that what I want? Heck no! But it sure makes it a lot easier to keep her out of my head and to stop worrying about the situation. Good luck, man. I wish you the best...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
You better get a handle on this quickly. Are you in IC?
She can feel this and it is a big turnoff. How can you change this?
We are in MC. I know I need to do IC as well but haven't found a faith-based counselor I am comfortable with yet. Too bad MWD doesn't have a list of referrals for DBing counselors.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm with you. I can tell other people what they should do much better than actually doing it myself!
You've given me some good advice, Steve, and I thank you for that. And by making your comment, you know what you need to do, so you just need to do it, no matter how hard...
Here is what has helped me. I've been trying to view my sitch as though it were someone else's, and think about what I would tell them to do. Another thing I have been doing is pretending that it's already over. That she's not coming back, and I need to make my decisions based on having a life without her. Is that what I want? Heck no! But it sure makes it a lot easier to keep her out of my head and to stop worrying about the situation. Good luck, man. I wish you the best...
mtb, that is awesome advice. Thank you. I will start looking at it like that too.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
IMO...the sooner you can accept she is not coming back, she is not the same person you married and the sooner you begin your detachment process the quicker you will heal. If you continue to hang onto everything she says, does and play in her sandbox you will continue to be disappointed, hurt and essentially living in emotional turmoil.
You should do all of these things for yourself, for your own self preservation/sanity and not as an attempt to get your W back.
Everyone first comes to the board looking to save their MR but at some point everyone of us makes a shift and the focus moves from saving your MR to saving yourself. You first goal should be to save yourself and if you do that then maybe you save your MR. I don't think you will have an option of saving your MR unless you save yourself first.
Another thing I have been doing is pretending that it's already over. That she's not coming back, and I need to make my decisions based on having a life without her. Is that what I want? Heck no! But it sure makes it a lot easier to keep her out of my head and to stop worrying about the situation. Good luck, man. I wish you the best...
This is pretty much the same approach I've been taking. It is helping me detach, focus on me.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
But back to my W, I just can't imagine life without her. The thought of losing her freaks me out. So even though I can put up a good front, I know that deep down I feel panicked about the prospect of her leaving. It has been only 11 1/2 weeks since BD and it feels like it has been 11 years. I have strong moments and times. I have strong days. Then I have weak ones. One event or thing can send me spiraling. So yeah, it has been a struggle.
Steve, I went through exactly the same thing. Our time lines match up pretty closely, I was 28 when we got married, I was married for 18 years by the time I got divorced.
I also couldn't imagine life without W. I had convinced myself that I would never find anyone as good for me. I was worried that all the emotionally healthy people were already in relationships by this point in life and I wouldn't be able to find anyone else to spend my life with.
I also felt panicked, and would have the emotional roller coaster rides. Any little bit of information I would get about W, my mind would fill in the worst possible interpretation of events and then I would obsess on that.
I've been divorced now almost 4 years. Maybe my perspective will help since I've now come out the other side.
My major realization is that "the wonderfulness of XW" is not what was driving my panic, not at all.
The panic was rooted in the fact that my life had been entirely upended and I couldn't explain why.
There was no single thing I could point to that I had done that would justify why I deserved to lose my wife, suffer having my financial situation thrown into turmoil and mess up my kids lives.
Because I couldn't understand what I had done, it made me afraid of the fact that I wouldn't be able to control my life going forward either -- i.e. if I couldn't figure out why I lost her, I wouldn't be able to figure out how to get her back. If I then moved on to someone else, they could uproot me just as easily, because clearly this is not a cause and effect situation.
As humans we like systems that have clear cause and effect. You push the lever you get a pellet. You touch the hot stove, you get burned. You cheat on your wife, she leaves you.
Now if you don't cheat on your wife, and on virtually any scale you're a really good husband, and she *still* leaves you, now that doesn't make any sense, and that lack of sensibility is totally destabilizing.
In retrospect, what I was mourning and panicking about was my perceived lack of control. The fact that the well-established models for how my relationships worked seemed to no longer apply, and I had nothing to take their place, nothing to rely upon.
In that context, getting W back feels like the fastest and easiest way to regain your stability. It was just a temporary blip, your models for your life really *are* valid.
If you look at it that way, W could be a total monster and it wouldn't matter. She's a token for stability, and the stability is what you really want.
With the benefit of hindsight, I'm glad that the marriage ended. W had some very unhealthy attitudes towards sex, and our marriage had all of the sex-starved marriage dynamics. Over the course of an 18 year marriage, and listening to your friends complain about their sex lives, you begin to perceive that as normal and you find a way to navigate it, even though you're leading a very unsatisfying life.
That may not be your issue, but I guarantee you that if you're honest with yourself, W was falling short of meeting your needs as well in some very significant ways -- it just want bad enough for you to want to pull the plug.
After getting divorced, the reality of dating could not be further away from my fears about it. Yes it can be difficult and frustrating, but it was also incredibly fun and rewarding. There is no shortage of good people to date, and the experience overall was wonderful.
I'm now a few years into a great relationship, and living with someone who has a healthy sex drive and healthy attitude about sex has made sex a complete non-issue for me. I don't even think about it, because it's not a source of anxiety like it used to be.
The point is, no matter what happens, you'll be fine. I hope you save your marriage, I really do. It takes two people to be married but only one to be divorced. You can only be responsible for your half of the equation, so be the best you can be and the rest is up to her.
If you're the best person you can be, you'll sleep easily at night and you will find peace.
I'm sorry for what you're going through, the two bits of wisdom I'll share with you is that:
1) this is a lot less about W and a lot more about your sense of control than you realize
2) your fears about this relationship ending are grossly inflated and are not rational
You'll be fine. Hang in there.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks Acc. That was extremely helpful and insightful. I think you're right. lack of stability. control. Fear. That is what this is rooted in.
Yes we too gaff sexual issues. Pretty much from the moment we said I do she lost interest. As of the goal of sex was to get me to marry her. Until she wanted to get pregnant, but then it was very clinical.
Her reasons were varied. "Its not you, its me." "If you treated me better I would want it more." "I'm broken and need to get help (but never did)." "You only show affection when you want sex!" "I have a problem and need to fix it." "You are too selfish in bed which is why I never want it."
When it did happen I got: "Let's hurry up and get this over with." "Can you make this as a quick as possible?" "I'll let you do it but don't expect me to be into it." Etc.
Of course, if you read sandi's long response in another thread, she makes the point that WWs are already divorced emotionally. My wife was only partially there. I think I caught it before she was at full blown "I am gone and nothing you do will change that." As soon as I employed my first DB effort (let her go) she immediately started hedging and started talking about how she wasn't sure if she really wanted out or not and had to work through things. So as I've stated before, I think I might have caught it before it was full blown waywardness.
I can't bank on that. I know. And I need to decide to detach and continue my 180s, and be prepared to move forward without her. But she is making so many positive changes that it is hard not to think we may have turned a bit of a corner. OM1 is long gone. OM2 she claims was never really there. And she claims she is not on the prowl for OM3. That she is not in contact with anyone and that she is moving towards staying in the marriage.
But she hasn't made a final decision. I think giving up on her dream of freedom is a difficult one, and while she knows it is the right thing to do she is still rebelling a bit against it.
One complicating factor for us is our devout Christianity. We are both very involved in our church, and she was always deeply rooted in Biblical teaching. That causes additional fear about moving on, how all of that will be impacted.
Sorry for the rambling response, but thank you for your perspective, it was very helpful.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
One other update. Despite being so close to starting a R discussion, cooler heads prevailed and I dodged the bullet. Also didn't question her about what she did all day. I just remained aloof, calm and cool. It feels so good and be able to give myself an attaboy despite the fact that I was emotionally spinning out of control yesterday.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
