It's the mental mindset that causes the damage on an EA. Often those who choose EA like the mindset. A PA is "too real". They like the fantasy feeling. Others actually want the EA to go real.
However many of the guys and gals deliberately trigger EA in another for their own benefit, they are catfish and scammers. They use fake profiles and pictures.
There will be red flags.
It's a very uncomfortable dynamic rejecting a real R for a fantasy one.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Very true. First OM was unemployed with a criminal record living with his 81 year old dad. Of course he'd been Mr. Charming. And she went through a brief mourning when he moved on.
But you're right. A lot of this is just fantasy for her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wife is acting a little strangely. Can't really put my finger on it. First there was the two days not on the singing app. Yesterday she spent about 5 hours singing on the app, so thing seemed back to normal.
But she seems more withdrawn than she had been. I almost feel like she is using detachment herself! I am not reacting. I am staying focused, but it does make me wonder if another EA has started. One other change, after a few weeks of not being on her phone as much, she is back to being on it almost every waking hour again.
I know this is probably par for the WW course. Wild swings in one direction or another. But after being at peace for the last couple of days I am back to being a bit taken aback.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Accuray - this is an awesome post. Thanks. Sums up a lot of what I felt.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
I also couldn't imagine life without W.
This in particular was why GAL was so essential to me. My XW was my whole world, so losing her felt like I was totally worthless. Going out and really diving into GAL helped me to see how warped and wrong that view was. Like I said, the more you can branch out and try new things and meet new people, that more your self confidence will grow.
One complicating factor for us is our devout Christianity. We are both very involved in our church, and she was always deeply rooted in Biblical teaching. That causes additional fear about moving on, how all of that will be impacted.
W started going to church religiously right before she started having EA's, and her first partner was super involved with his church, organizing and sponsoring their Bible Study group.
Don't take any security from religion in this regard, a WAW will use religion to justify their behavior only when it suits them and will completely ignore it when their behavior deviates from religious morals.
Religion can help to prevent someone from becoming a WAW, but once they are already there it doesn't have much of an impact in my experience here.
All of W's affairs were EA's, but she was still very much in love. I believe for many men sex and physical intimacy is a driver in an affair context, but for women it's often the emotional connection, which really doesn't require sex. In some cases sex can deepen the emotional bond, but for a woman who is not very sexual to begin with or has sexual issues they haven't dealt with, they may very much prefer to have EA's.
Granted that we're viewing your situation through the keyhole you present us, and that's not really a fair representation of what's going on, but your posts do make it appear that you are obsessing over your W's state of mind.
Don't think for a minute that she doesn't pick up on the fact that your 1000W spotlight is firmly trained on her. Remember that the vast majority of communication is non-verbal. She may not directly see that your logging how many hours she spends each day singing or on her phone, but despite your efforts to hide your interest I guarantee you she sees it and more importantly feels it.
If you think about the power dynamic between the two of you, she has all of it.
She's deciding if she wants to stay in the relationship or not, and you're patiently standing by waiting for her to choose.
If you look at that from her perspective, how much value does she see in you as a partner?
One of the guys I went to college with told a woman "I'm going to go to parties and try to hook up with other women, but at the end of the night, if I strike out, I'll come find you."
She liked him so much that she agreed to that. How much do you think he valued her? Was he afraid of losing her? How much was he incented to work to maintain that relationship?
Often the LBS will fear that if they "go the other way" or give more space than is being asked, that they will just reinforce the WAS's complaints about them, or justify their decision to leave by proving that they don't care.
This is a false fear, relationships don't work like that. You regard something differently that you risk losing.
In the sad story above, the woman eventually decided that she had enough, and not only was she no longer available to him in that context, she wasn't available to him at all.
An LBS would fear that this would just lead him to give up on her and pursue other women instead. In reality what it did is make him suddenly obsess over her and work really hard to try to get her back as his monogamous girlfriend.
What are you doing to establish yourself as a person of value in this relationship? Someone who is so awesome that she should fear losing him?
If you get on that track you will spend zero time monitoring what she's doing because it won't matter -- you're the prize to be won. Either she will win you or she won't, but you're still the prize.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks Acc. Great advice. While I haven't said a word to her about the app and her singing, I still occasionally go to her profile to check. It is becoming less frequent. And as i said i no longer day anything to her about it.
Amoafwl in that context i was staying focused on not reacting. It takes a lot of energy for me to do that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Last night. Another 3 hours of sex. And then again this morning.
I'm really at a loss here! LOL She wouldn't stop last night and then started up again after we woke up and cuddled.
It's difficult to not think that this is a good sign. But I'm still a little leery about what it all means. we've had no R discussions on 2 1/2 weeks. Could really use some perspective here.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Though I wasn't reacting to her change, I was trying to mind read. Detachment is hard.