It doesn't sound like it. 3 hour sex marathons are not an expression of love, intimacy and connection. I tend to think (like Sandi mentioned) that it's some change-of-life thing for her and you are convenient to her.
Exactly... ^^^^
Remember when I told you that YOU will feel more emotionally connected by the physical part of intimacy ??
Well, that is what I am talking about....
A couple hops in the sack, and you are looking at houses again....
My advice would be for you to just sit back, and enjoy whatever is coming your way without having to "define" what it is for now...
IF she is re-connecting, you will be the first to know. And you won't have to guess what it is..
Steve, you seem to be navigating things pretty well.
Never hurts to have this group add perspective.
You might want to decide what proper reconciliation looks like before you accept some new normal that will inevitably end you up back here.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Thank you , V. I am not sure what your first line means! LOL But I get the gist. And I am enjoying.
I need to let go of expectation though. I guess again it is difficult because she went from barely being able to hug in me on BD, to not being able to keep her hands off of me today.
Despite us being exhausted, she teased yesterday morning and again last night. And then again this morning despite knowing that we didn't have time.
One of the things I did (WARNING: pursuit method) a few weeks ago is every morning before getting up for work, pulling her over to lay her head on my chest while I play with her hair. She loves when people play, brush, wash or handle her hair. So I really think that and speaking her LL (words of affirmation) have really filled up her emotional tank to overflowing.
Again, maybe too much expectation and reading into things, but to see the progress in under 3 months is hard not to recognize.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I need to let go of expectation though. I guess again it is difficult because she went from barely being able to hug in me on BD, to not being able to keep her hands off of me today.
I think we all get that, but being horny in no way equates to falling back in love. You've really said nothing at all to indicate she may be falling back in love. To be honest I find her sudden 180 on sex to be rather alarming and not at all a good sign (other than the obvious physical gratification).
Quote:
She loves when people play, brush, wash or handle her hair. So I really think that and speaking her LL (words of affirmation) have really filled up her emotional tank to overflowing.
I really hope you're right Steve, that would be an amazing 180 on her part if true. But I just went back and read your very first post and things just do not feel right to me. She sounds like someone who is exploring options, who is acting irrationally and doesn't know why. I don't think that behavior is over, if anything the constant need for sex is an affirmation (to me) that she is still acting irrationally.
AnotherStander, you may be right. Again, I post my thoughts and feelings on things as a way to try not to over analyze her behavior to the point where I initiate an R discussion. I hit 3 weeks today without initiating a R discussion.
To show how far I've come, she left her phone on the kitchen island, unlocked last night, when she went in to get ready for bed. Her bedtime routine takes 15-20 minutes minimum, so I could have perused whatever I wanted. Instead I picked it up, walked it to the bathroom and handed it to her. That is huge for me. A month ago I would have been checking everything I could while she got ready for bed.
She has been much less secretive with her phone over the course of the last month. I see that as a good sign too.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don't think it's alarming, though it's unusual. And I don't think it's negative. Just not sure I'd read a lot into it, and do as Vanilla says.
Enjoy it, do not attach expectations, though every woman wants to feel desired. And feeling desired increases our libido (which I can personally attest to since I've started dating).
My fears of "never feeling that way again" were way off, thank God.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
AnotherStander, you may be right. Again, I post my thoughts and feelings on things as a way to try not to over analyze her behavior to the point where I initiate an R discussion. I hit 3 weeks today without initiating a R discussion. ^^^this is a valuable part of DBing. Coming to post about a marriage you would like to save. If free association keeps you from initiating R talk -- which might happen if you read too much into her libido b/c you want reassurances that you are reading it right, keep coming back HERE first.
Other sites exist for other reasons, but that's why people come HERE. And to support you win or lose, in the marital endeavor.
(But we "win" by becoming our best selves so in a way, "winning" is all on us).
To show how far I've come, she left her phone on the kitchen island, unlocked last night, when she went in to get ready for bed. Her bedtime routine takes 15-20 minutes minimum, so I could have perused whatever I wanted. Instead I picked it up, walked it to the bathroom and handed it to her. That is huge for me. A month ago I would have been checking everything I could while she got ready for bed. She has been much less secretive with her phone over the course of the last month. I see that as a good sign too.
Well it's not a bad sign. The problem is you are constantly looking for "signs." Now is not the time for that.
I know DB says to "monitor for results" but I would NOT monitor on a daily basis or a weekly basis, or in increments of under 90 days. Seriously.
Less than that is too little time to "know" anything, let alone sense a sea of change one needs to reverse the course she was on.
Turning a big ship around and then getting to full steam ahead, takes so much more time.
Your thinking that some compliments (words of affirmation) and stroking her hair is now "filling her love tank", deeply concerns me. You are in wishful thinking. If it were that easy, we'd all still be married.
Still, DO keep at it. It's not hurting things, but the thought process YOU are in, will get you in trouble.
IMO, you are being way too impatient.
Even Your title "still in limbo" was written after, what, 3 months? That reflects a distorted time line. Steve, limbo is at least a year long. Take a breath. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
You may have great times with your family and wife, between now and then, along with some deep valleys too. But nothing truly dangerous to a marriage is solved in a few months. Marriages are life time commitments, not annual friendship contracts. Give it time.
Believing a marriage that was in crisis, can be fixed and the "tanks are full now", in a few months... is just dangerous, and done at your peril. Change your time line. Expand it greatly.
For now, why can't you keep doing the personal work, become the best father you can be - always a turn on to mothers, btw - and enjoy the enhanced intimacy?
Why read into it at all, for now?
Bottom line,
Your choices are to reject her or to embrace her.
Hmmm, I'm guessing embracing is the answer. So what's to decide?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I don't think it's alarming, though it's unusual. And I don't think it's negative. Just not sure I'd read a lot into it, and do as Vanilla says.
Enjoy it, do not attach expectations, though every woman wants to feel desired. And feeling desired increases our libido (which I can personally attest to since I've started dating).
My fears of "never feeling that way again" were way off, thank God.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
AnotherStander, you may be right. Again, I post my thoughts and feelings on things as a way to try not to over analyze her behavior to the point where I initiate an R discussion. I hit 3 weeks today without initiating a R discussion. ^^^this is a valuable part of DBing. Coming to post about a marriage you would like to save. If free association keeps you from initiating R talk -- which might happen if you read too much into her libido b/c you want reassurances that you are reading it right, keep coming back HERE first.
Other sites exist for other reasons, but that's why people come HERE. And to support you win or lose, in the marital endeavor.
(But we "win" by becoming our best selves so in a way, "winning" is all on us).
To show how far I've come, she left her phone on the kitchen island, unlocked last night, when she went in to get ready for bed. Her bedtime routine takes 15-20 minutes minimum, so I could have perused whatever I wanted. Instead I picked it up, walked it to the bathroom and handed it to her. That is huge for me. A month ago I would have been checking everything I could while she got ready for bed. She has been much less secretive with her phone over the course of the last month. I see that as a good sign too.
Well it's not a bad sign. The problem is you are constantly looking for "signs." Now is not the time for that.
I know DB says to "monitor for results" but I would NOT monitor on a daily basis or a weekly basis, or in increments of under 90 days. Seriously.
Less than that is too little time to "know" anything, let alone sense a sea of change one needs to reverse the course she was on.
Turning a big ship around and then getting to full steam ahead, takes so much more time.
Your thinking that some compliments (words of affirmation) and stroking her hair is now "filling her love tank", deeply concerns me. You are in wishful thinking. If it were that easy, we'd all still be married.
Still, DO keep at it. It's not hurting things, but the thought process YOU are in, will get you in trouble.
IMO, you are being way too impatient.
Even Your title "still in limbo" was written after, what, 3 months? That reflects a distorted time line. Steve, limbo is at least a year long. Take a breath. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
You may have great times with your family and wife, between now and then, along with some deep valleys too. But nothing truly dangerous to a marriage is solved in a few months. Marriages are life time commitments, not annual friendship contracts. Give it time.
Believing a marriage that was in crisis, can be fixed and the "tanks are full now", in a few months... is just dangerous, and done at your peril. Change your time line. Expand it greatly.
For now, why can't you keep doing the personal work, become the best father you can be - always a turn on to mothers, btw - and enjoy the enhanced intimacy?
Why read into it at all, for now?
Bottom line,
Your choices are to reject her or to embrace her.
Hmmm, I'm guessing embracing is the answer. So what's to decide?
Thanks 25. You may be right about the timeline. Though I have read some stories where things were turned around in 6-8 weeks. So it isn't impossible. As I've said before, I believe that I caught my situation fairly early. It wasn't like she came to me out of the blue with "I don't want to be married anymore." She said it after I confronted her about some FB messenger messages I found between her and OM1 (an all online EA). From what I could find it looked like their friendship had turned into more about a week prior to my catching and confronting.
Regardless your overall point is a good one. I do tend to over analyze things. It is a personality trait, something I do in almost every area of my life. Again, typing it out here is my way of coping without having the urge to run to her with my analyses. Which is much healthier in the long run. Though she was very patient with me for 2 months, I could tell the R discussions were starting to wear on her.
In fact, it wasn't until about 2 weeks into no R discussions that I've seen the significant changes: much more loving and affectionate, into future things and discussing a future as a family and couple, less secretive of her phone, and of course the sex.
So maybe it is a facade and maybe it isn't, but I do have to remain even keeled at this point.
Thanks for your insight! Very helpful.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Though I have read some stories where things were turned around in 6-8 weeks
Was this a marriage with a wayward spouse, or a walk-away spouse? Was it here on the board? If so, I would like to read it, too. Did you read the results.......like, while they were in piecing? If so, how long had they been in piecing? I'm not saying there is some type of marker, but whenever there has been a spouse rebelling against the MR, there can be false start-ups, if the wayward has not done what they need to do in their heart. And, often times with a WW, the couple has been in a SSM for a while (sometimes for many years). So, usually, a lot of problems existed in their sexual relationship before he was aware of any outward acts of rebellion, and it's not always so easy to kiss and have great make-up sex. In other words, it requires more than just having a high sex drive.
We aren't trying to see how much we can discourage. We are trying to help you to avoid building your hopes to false rainbows. If you can enjoy the sex without believing she has suddenly made some miraculous change.......then do it. If you have seen solid evidence that says she has changed from the heart....outward, then enjoy it even more. But, be careful about completely letting down your guard. Wayward wives don't just suddenly change for no reason.
The key word that makes me suspicious of any changes in a wayward spouse is "suddenly". Without some type of big bang experience.........her heart is not going to suddenly change. She may fool her H by showing good behavior for a while, but sooner or later, her attitude......words.....or actions won't line up and reflect the heart of a W who has truly worked on her negative mindset and has let go of past resentments.
So, give this plenty of time, and in the meantime, be careful about how generous you are with your trust. And, also be careful what you advise others who are in a similar situation, b/c they may not be as fortunate to be experiencing hot sex......and think they have a hopeless sitch. ((hugs))
Btw, has your W stopped taking Zoloft?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
