A familiar story with questions. III

[Vanilla]

I think you might have missed the point I was making.

Are you having IC RR? it's not in my notes. This is not coaching.

That's where you explore your honest feelings so they don't spill out.

V

[RR17]

Thanks for responding.

IC Tuesday at 4pm since July.

I haven't missed the point. At least I don't believe so. Can you tell me the point you think I missed?

The problem with this board is that we read one person's side and there is little room for inquiring or requesting verification. So assumptions are made and the accused spends time defending their statements.

I am aware that if she is innocent, that she would feel under attack. I understand that I should show a face that is detached from her actions and words. I make mistakes. I admit them and document them in hopes I will do better next time.

I don't think I would either, if everything I say gets chewed over questioned and spat out.

Okay, EVERYTHING she says is not chewed over questioned and spat out. A whole lot of other things are said that don't get written about here. Just the highlights or lowlights to be more exact tend to be written about and shared.

[Vanilla]

There is a psychological mechanism referred to as intermittent reward or punishment.

If your questions objections, satisfying YOUR need to know, emerge at random, then that is the most important factor to W.

It is referred to as walking on eggshells.

It is one of the most damaging things you can do.

In my view that's why we say no R talks, it is because such talks are magnified in the others mind and are seen as punishing.


I think that it is possible you know this. And you might want to ask why your needs and timing supercede W rights to her privacy. Why do this just for your curiosity.

If you want such talks plan them with W, limit the time you spend on them and both talk.

It is so so damaging, as a WAW I found this meant the 'nice' times were more than weighted by even a small number of intermittent blame transactions. Your W apologised to you.

In order to get peace from this I left completely.

My thoughts

V

[RR17]

Okay, allow me to get existential for a moment, please.

In my view that's why we say no R talks, it is because such talks are magnified in the others mind and are seen as punishing

My understanding is that the reason for not Initiating R talks is mainly for the fact that it is pursuing. It also, depending on the immediate state of the R, can become combative and can fuel the S's transgressions.
True, it could be considered punishing, but that is but one unintended effect. No?
I believe that initiating an R talk is much like a medication where the possible side effects far out way the expected benefits. Metaphorically speaking.

I think that it is possible you know this. And you might want to ask why your needs and timing supercede W rights to her privacy. Why do this just for your curiosity.

I do know that an atmosphere that feels like walking on eggshells is a toxic one. I have facilitated such a atmosphere in the past. I don't believe that is the case now.
As for a right to privacy? When you tell someone that you want them to trust you, well that's a tricky one. But in the last described conversation with my W, I explained that she had initiated a dinner plan and then pulled the plug.
I expressed a disappointing anger when her weak "I'm sorry" didn't seem genuine and in retrospect, yea I probably shouldn't have said it but I am human. I do get disappointed when my proverbial cheese gets moved.
But I don't think this is any way, by its self, creates any eggshell walking atmosphere.

But V, I get the reminder and I will be aware.

You see, damaged Hs aren't the best suited for constructive DBing. Yet we have been forced into it.
IC promotes self-care. Self-Care can look counterproductive to DB.

Again I appreciate your contributions to my sitch. I do. I know that we all contribute here with an overlying influence of our own experiences and sitch.

[RR17]

Today's reflections:

So W is still out of MBR, still no ILY, still no kisses goodbye, still taking make small efforts to preserve her privacy, like shutting the door when she showers etc. after leaving it open for 18 years. Got it?

Except for last weeks mishap, she continues with her chit-chat, increased respect and as described before overall niceness. Seeming to genuinely enjoy my company while I GAL and don't pressure and Detach etc.

So this morning she goes to the GYNO for routine stuff and on her way back to work calls me to discuss health insurance coverage. We buy our own and recently changed to a Christen Share plan that I don't fully understand and this was it's first run.
We, she shared her good checkup and some insight as to how the plan was received etc. She also asked if I knew of some other insurance options that might be a better value.

Well, how does this factor into the fact that as far as I know, she plans to move out in May? And at last word D was well within option.

[LH19]

R,

Don't over analyze she still needs insurance.

Detach , Detach, Detach.

[AnotherStander]

Well, how does this factor into the fact that as far as I know, she plans to move out in May? And at last word D was well within option.

Often when the LBS removes all the pressure, then the WAS gets more friendly and chatty, it's not at all unusual. Heck my XW flat out told me early on that she thought if she treated me like crap then it would make me want a D too, but she felt bad because no matter how rude/ mean she was to me I repaid her with kindness. So she told me she wasn't going to do it anymore, and that she had only done it because she thought it would be best for me (isn't that rich!) And from that point on she was much more friendly. But she still wanted out. So don't read anything into it.

[RR17]

Often when the LBS removes all the pressure, then the WAS gets more friendly and chatty, it's not at all unusual.

Interesting to hear. It can see how it could easily feel like progress on W side. The reason I share it is my skepticism. I guess it can be considered a sign that I am doing something right, removing pressure.

I have been in that relationship, many moons ago, where they get mean as possible to try to drive you away. W has never been that way but she was definitely not as nice when she was in her verified EA.

I'm not reading too much into it, but it does seem like discussing the future. Up until recently, she has shown signs of becoming more and more independent.

[TBSakaJ9]

I guess it can be considered a sign that I am doing something right, removing pressure.

I would agree, just don't read anything into or change what you are doing. I think sometimes the LBS see's the change and immediately wants to initiate a R talk or pursue and they get very quickly put in their place.

[RR17]

I guess it can be considered a sign that I am doing something right, removing pressure.

I would agree, just don't read anything into or change what you are doing. I think sometimes the LBS see's the change and immediately wants to initiate a R talk or pursue and they get very quickly put in their place.

No R talks here. I know these things, yet can't be reminded enough. Thanks Joseph