Steve85, I hear you. 4 years ago I had a WW and they will fight anything that threatens their selfish cause. Girls gone wild is right.
Fast forward and as far as I know, I now have a WAW. Different animal. Not as delusional and selfish. I could be wrong but I don't see the same behavioral changes like last time. This is a lot more somber, at least this week. lol
She is like a great roommate with Mysteries.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Right or Wrong, watching golf with W she went to take a shower before going to the store to get dinner. She had been on her laptop while watching and after the shower, she rushed into the laptop as if shutting something down. Could be innocent.
Well, I rode with W to the store and after a while, the incident began to fester in my suspicions. On the way home I asked W if I could get an honest answer. She said in a sweet voice. "I'll try" I asked what she was doing when she rush to shut down into the laptop, in the most unaccusative way I could ask.
Her tone changed. W said she realized she forgot to shut the computer down is all, and that she didn't remember being in any kind of rush. But that she could see how someone looking for something could see anything. I replied that I wasn't looking for anything.
Now it's not my fault that things trigger suspicions. I haven't accused or asked about anything for many months.
When we got home I apologized if she felt she was being unjustly accused. I explained that when something hit me I felt it was better to get it out there than to hold it in and let it fester.
I spend 16 years NEVER being suspicious and now for the last 4 years, I have to fight the feeling when something hits. Not my fault.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Well after this episode she went back to being nice. Of course, my ego put all sorts of things to say in my head, but I abstained. Progress right?
I don't know if she is trying to keep the peace until her exit or what. We haven't had so much as a disagreement in weeks.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So coming off of this weekend's small derailment. W is paying attention to my return to operational detachment.
OOC Out of character, she texted me from work to say that the oatmeal that I had made was really good. OOC, does this need to become a new abbreviation?
So what does this mean? Did she notice a change? probably
If anyone has some insight, please speak up. I know this seems petty but it has and I am sure is with many others here our new hobby.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So what does this mean? Did she notice a change? probably
Yes, the oatmeal you made is going to turn things around. I am being sarcastic.
I don't apologize for taking that tone because consider this a 2x4. Stop paying attention to the small things like this because it doesn't mean anything. Just dust that text off your shoulders and keep DBing.
I know that you want to find that nugget in something she does or says. Trust me, I know that as I was also there. There is nothing to read here. Plus you're just mindreading on top of this and it isn't going to serve you well.
Turn the focus towards yourself instead of focusing on her and what she says or does. There is no magic trick or technique that will just suddenly turn this around.
Lol, no actually I am not looking for that nugget. Been there, but now I am way beyond that. I am just curious. It is natural to be curious especially if you are not completely calloused.
My focus is on myself. It really is.
When behavior changes it peeks curiosity. Isn't it possible to wonder what it means without having it be your whole focus? Especially when it seems so out of character.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
When behavior changes it peeks curiosity. Isn't it possible to wonder what it means without having it be your whole focus? Especially when it seems so out of character.
Good point RR17. Otherwise, why even post it here? When my wife started her 4 day sex initiation binge on Friday, how could I not help but wonder what it meant?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It only seems like common sense to me but I've been accused of seeing things that I think are obvious, yet others do not.
DR states to watch and see what works, right?
Well, detaching is important and at least for me something that I must refresh but I do get it. Understanding and application are mutually exclusive. Understanding how to hit a golf ball and being able to do it are not the same. And even the best can't do it correctly every single time, right?
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Good point RR17. Otherwise, why even post it here? When my wife started her 4 day sex initiation binge on Friday, how could I not help but wonder what it meant?
Yea, I would say that that would make me wonder. Proceed with caution, Steve. We all need to hear this when behavior changes. IMO
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
No, you aren't the only one who sees certain things. I do, too. That's the reason for this post.
I suspect you got too close to discovering the truth behind her mask of niceness, politeness, and living together so civility. I am referring to how you noticed her quickly concealing her computer activity. But you alerted her when you questioned her about it. So, in her particular fashion......how does she throw RR17 off track and distract him, causing him to ask all the same old questions.....time and time again? So, She turns up her niceness a degree..........even calls him to compliment him about his oatmeal! What will RR17 do? Will he start with the questions about why she persists at being so nice? How long will he remain puzzled by such polite and, dare we say.....thoughtful behavior of his W?
Think about it. What have you repeated to ponder over, ever since you joined the board. You just could not figure out why she would be so darn nice, if she was a WW......like previously. You see, she never changed from being wayward......she simply chaged her tactics. The MR never reconciled......It just stayed in limbo. She never showed remorse or put effort toward having a better and more intimate M, did she? In fact, not only were you just roommates......but then she wanted separate bedrooms. Am I correct? If not, please correct me.
She has repeatily said she was leaving (or ending the M) at the end of this school term, right? But in the meantime, you have not seen her act in the same way she did previously, when she was in an A. Are you referring to the niceness and how well you have gotten along? If so, I want to make a comment or ask something. During this time of "getting along", you were letting her sort of do her thing, right? I mean, she'd come home from work and talk about her day.....even repeating the same office stories, while you just listened and validated. Is that correct? (At the time you mentioned it, I didn't know what you meant when you said she was repeating the same stuff....but the lightbulb has come on, at least I think I know what it means). You once said you were always the performer and she was the audience. After you thought the A fizzled and you lived in roommate status.........she became the performer and RR17 was her audience. And, performing is how she has manipulated........or perhaps I should say, maintained this condition of the MR. She has it exactly the way she intends it. She holds you at bay, and keeps you thrown off track by being nice, polite, even showing a degree of thoughtfulness. Surely, a wife that was wayward would not be so nice! At least, that has basically been the theme of all your posts since day one.
All these years you have waited around for her to show you......something. Remorse, interest, effort, affection...........but it wasn't there. She has steadily gotten farther away (no kisses, no sex, no accountability) while you remained in a state of confusion over her nice-neighbor behavior. You have even referred to it as respectful behavior. Are you following what I am saying so far? She has no desire, no attraction, and no intentions of working on this MR. She holds you at arms length, keeping you in this friend-zone......if it's that much, and then you don't make things too hard on her....by pressing her or requiring certain things of her........and she can do whatever she wishes, without you getting any closer and/or wiser. You got a little suspicious and asked her why she closed her computer so quickly, so she had to up the niceness....to throw you off the scent.
Call me crazy, but as long as you aren't causing any waves......she's reasonably contented to live under the same roof with you. But she still has her fantasy, and she probably has OM, too.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
