Thanks sandi. Always such solid insight and advice. I agree with everything you said. There has been no big bang experience, just a series of small bangs. Her and her BFF from church getting together more often. The changes I've made in myself. My support in her hobbies and interests where I used to stonewall. But yes I need to temper my enthusiasm.
No she is still on both the zoloft and the wellbutrin.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
please show me the situation wherein a marriage in crisis turned around in 6- 8 weeks.
I've been posting here since 2006 and cannot think of one.
I think there has to be some confusion about terms here, or it's another situation.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
To show how far I've come, she left her phone on the kitchen island, unlocked last night, when she went in to get ready for bed. Her bedtime routine takes 15-20 minutes minimum, so I could have perused whatever I wanted. Instead I picked it up, walked it to the bathroom and handed it to her. That is huge for me. A month ago I would have been checking everything I could while she got ready for bed.
Something seems a little fishy there, like she was testing you to see what you would do. Or perhaps she's purging things and conveniently leaving her phone laying around unlocked hoping you'll snoop on her "clean" phone and think everything is OK. WAS's can be sneaky, it's not unusual for them to buy a second "burner" phone to keep in contact with their affair partner. Then they can leave their regular phone laying around -oops- unlocked and you find nothing at all so think all is well.
I'm not trying to make you paranoid, but don't go in eyes-wide-shut either.
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Though I have read some stories where things were turned around in 6-8 weeks. So it isn't impossible.
Funny thing about the Internet, you can find nearly whatever you are looking for if you dig hard enough. Whether it's true or not is another matter entirely. I remember finding some real quick-fix pearls early on when I was desperate, and dozens of "testimonies" from LBS's that had turned their marriage around in record time thanks to said quick fix. But of course you have to pay to see this wonderful gem of info that'll have your M back to normal in hours or days! It's a bunch of damned snake oil though. 6 to 8 weeks just doesn't happen, unless this was just a long fight rather than a WAS/ WAW/ MLC issue.
Spinning emotionally tonight. I think you guys have made me suspicious. I want to go snoop really badly. I'll probably check her google account tomorrow when she takes our daughter to school.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Spinning emotionally tonight. I think you guys have made me suspicious. I want to go snoop really badly. I'll probably check her google account tomorrow when she takes our daughter to school.
Don't do it. It won't solve or help. And it will only make you feel worse.
Let her behave however she is. You just keep doing you. Find something else to keep you occupied, to distract yourself.
I understand the spinning emotionally. I just had the suspected OW's fiancé message me on FB messenger today, pretty much confirming. I posted about it.
Good luck Steve, don't let those pesky demons get the best of you. Resist the urge.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
Things are definitely more strained now then they were 24 hours ago. Maybe my suspicion is showing through somehow but things just feel so different suddenly.
I did avoid the temptation to check her Google account. Though it wasn't entirely my decision. As I was wrestling with it she came back from my dropping my daughter off at school in under 20 minutes. Normally they stop somewhere and get my daughter lunch, but she had leftovers for to take for lunch today.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I did avoid the temptation to check her Google account. Though it wasn't entirely my decision. As I was wrestling with it she came back from my dropping my daughter off at school in under 20 minutes.
I do agree with Meg that snooping is just not productive. But I will say that sometimes you have to do it to learn that lesson. If it's just eating you alive then go ahead. Here are the problems with snooping though:
- If you don't find anything suspicious then does that mean she's just hiding things really well? The more you -don't- find the deeper it makes you want to dig.
- If you do find something suspicious, does it really mean what you think it does? Often things you find can be confusing and ambiguous, you can read some really bad things into comments that it turns out are nothing.
I'll give you an example of that last- I snooped on some paperwork my W filled out for the MC, the question was whether she had been physically abused and she answered "yes". I was incredulous! I would never do that, and I was freaking out that this was some ploy to paint me as an abuser so she could take me to the cleaners in a D and possibly take the kids away too. When we went to the MC it came up in there and she explained about how a BF from college had physically and emotionally abused her (years before we met). And I even knew about that, but that's what snooping does, it makes you super paranoid and you spin things into something they are not.
So obviously what the problem is last night and this morning is that she turns 50 today. She is not dealing with this well. In fact, her impeding 50th birthday is what precipitated a lot of our problems.
Just read several articles about women turning 50. So many markers of my wife: becoming a cougar and going after younger guys, feeling that something needs to change (IE her marital status), reawakened sexuality, concerns about looks (apparently women either ease up on this or focus more on this, for her it is the latter), focusing more on self and less on others (this is so contrary to who she's been until now).
Nothing I can do to help her. She has to work through this herself, all I can do is be lovingly detached and supportive where I can be. Such a helpless feeling though. Especially since I feel she sees me as a hindrance to her feelings of needing a change than being part of the change.
Oh well. As many say around here, onward and upward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
