Good news, the DR book finally came back to the library. So I have it now! Haven't had a chance to start reading it yet, but will. Also, I can DB from a sister library once I've read DR.
Thanks again for all the support and advice.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Reading is going slowly. I am still in chapter 1. Mainly because Monday I was diagnosed with bronchitis. Since I am on prednisone I am working from home this week to avoid germs. So I haven't had the chance to read much. I am through the intro and 3/4 through chapter 1. I already read chapter 1 online but felt it was wrong to jump straight to chap 2 without out 1 fresh in my mind.
Might have a chance to read some today. We'll see.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hope you are feeling better soon Steve! Another byproduct of BD is a severely depleted immune system from all the stress and weight loss. Take a daily vitamin supplement if you don't already, and take extra vitamin C as well.
Thanks Stander. That was my thought too. I'm normally never sick, but with BD and the lack of sleep and weight loss I figured my immune system was low.
I've put half the weight I've lost back on as things have settled in and we appear to be heading toward R. Feeling much more healthy again.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So it dawned on me today how far I've come since my first post. I'm going on 6 weeks without any snooping. I'm not even tempted anymore. She has left her phone unlocked, unsupervised multiple times and I've not considered snooping.
I've also worked on my loving detachment and healthy differentiation. Reading about ways to differentiate thus mornung i realize I've been able to achieve a good level. Certainly i still struggle but I've become much better at not allowing her reactions and actions affect my mood, demeanor, and especially my self worth. That's huge considering on BD my self worth was in the toilet.
The reading I've done has been invaluable. I rubbed her back this morning before getting up. And realized that i was doing it because i wanted to and not because i was hoping for it to result in anything! That is major considering my nice guy tendencies prior to bomb day.
So while 3 months isn't that long, U want to encourage other potential LBS to do the work. Work on you. Learn to differentiate. Even if it had no effect on your WAS (but how could it not?!?) it will put you in a healthier place.
If my WW were to hit me with another bomb today I'd be in such better shape to deal with it effectively!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, that's great news. It must be tempting to see your wife's phone there knowing it contains information that might be useful but it's a big step to not check it. I'm going to read about differentiation today. Thanks for suggesting that on my thread. It sounds like three months has made a big difference for you!
Thanks Nicole. It has. I was too codependent on my wife. She didn't have the emotional fortitude to support herself, let alone me as well. As I began to detach, or as another writer and expert on marital infidelity says: give het an emotional shove away, she has moved back towards me.
Whether this is out of not wanting to lose what she has, or actually giving up her waywardness, its simply too soon to tell. I think maybe a little of both.
Regardless, emotionally I'm in a much better place! I know this much, if she does skip bavk into waywardness and we divorce, it'll be more difficult for her than it will be for me.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Small incident occurred last night. When in the course of a discussion, the guy I suspected as EA OM2 came up. This got me wondering how much in the picture this guy still was.
To refresh your memory, he was a guy she met on the karaoke app she sings on, that was messaging her with overtly sexual innuendo and I think had even sent her a "d*ck pic". When I had asked to see her phone, the sensational messages were one-sided. She wasn't engaging in similar responses, but at the same time she wasn't shutting it down. I'll refer to him as Moron for the rest of this post. (Sorry, but he supposedly was cheated on by his exwife, and anyone that would put other guys through what he supposedly went through is a moron in my book.)
He came up because he had had an affair with another woman on the singing app, and my wife and I were discussing her. She is married (Moron is not). She has an unusual name and my wife casually mentioned she would have to ask Moron how to pronounce it.
So last night we got in bed and I asked my wife how much she was still in contact with Moron. She said "not much". And then "in fact, hardly at all the last couple of weeks."
The amazing thing to me is that all of this, his original mentioning, me asking about it later, and hearing her answer, I felt nothing. I wasn't jealous. I wasn't upset. It was as if she was talking about a girlfriend. I know this is hard to believe, but I honestly felt nothing. 2 months ago I would have spiraled, I would have kept asking questions. I would have been sad and needy in my inquiries.
I didn't even press the issue any further. After her responses, we moved on to other topics. It was all so casual and informational.
And I didn't even regret asking it like would have in the past! The entire episode of Moron coming up initially, my asking about contact, and her answer had no affect on me or my emotions!
Folks, I think this is what detachment/differentiation is like! It feels so good to be so emotionally stable no matter what she says or does. It has been a lot of work to get to this point. One of the things I've learned is "self-calming". This is the ability to allay fears and anxiety internally when it arises. It takes practice but once you get good at it most of the time you can do it in an instant. I am sure extremely traumatic events wouldn't be so easy, but most of the minor things we encounter daily that cause fear and anxiety can be calmed quickly.
I also need to think a lot of the SMEs on the board. Without your constant reminders to me and others about proper, loving detachment I don't think I would have made it to this point.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, that's great you were able to have that conversation and stay so controlled. Sounds like you've mastered the technique! I also find myself doing better in this regard. Yesterday I was telling my husband about a beach we went to yesterday morning for Easter church service and I said to my husband "it was so beautiful, you should take your girlfriend there." I don't feel so affected now by my husband's girlfriend (I don't know their status either). I guess we all master detachment sooner or later when we really work hard at it.
By the way it must be so great to sleep in the same bed as your wife. Some of us here don't have that option at all! You and your wife seem to be on track towards a full reconciliation. I hope you will keep us posted on your success!
