Husband gone for second time - 3

[25yearsmlc]

Jim,

Yes, I'm aware that the current version of my husband isn't someone that's good for my daughter and I. I may not struggle so much if he didn't turn into a totally different person these past few years. The guy I married was so polite, so kind, so engaged for nearly seven years. We did everything together.

It's so hard to believe someone can change like this. I guess people here understand it. I'm moving far away in any case and I hope to think the way you do. It's still just very painful.

It's very very painful. And one of the things we do that makes us crazy is that we project our values onto our former spouses, and when they do something WE would never do, we don't get it. We are baffled.

We keep assuming "they are confused" or in an "MLC", but regardless of cause, they do NOT share our values, not anymore.

Still, We often stay with someone based on what we think their potential as a spouse is, on who they used to be, (or who we thought they were), and not on who they are now.

There's also such a thing as "sunk cost" and you may want to do a bit of reading on that. Or see another site about spouses who do this. It's like if we played poker and had put a lot of our chips on the table and when we see that we really don't have a good hand, we do NOT want to fold and cut our losses. We keep thinking the next hand will be better and we won't have to leave so much of our investment (time, energy, love...loyalty, building a family) on the table.

But it's as if the house always win and the game is rigged b/c we are not playing the same poker game as our spouses are. They apply different rules to themselves.

I'm so sorry but seems you don't have much to work with, Nicole. The "upside" to this is that he's not acting very kind to you, in fact he's got the textbook MEAN JERK behavior and it's been this way i "these past few years", so when you can take a step back you may be able to see that this is about HIM. Depersonalize as best you can.


He's lashing out b/c he's trying to move forward in his new life. You are an obstacle and he for sure struggles with being an absentee dad, but thinks that "later" he will make it up to her.

And the thing is,

YOU cannot make him a good father, and you cannot make him care more.

(Please read this^^^ again. My lawyer and my T had to tell me this 50 times the past year before I let it sink in.)

Only when he's "Free" will he really be able to see what's going on, and that is NOT when the OW and he break up, if that is ever happens.

It's when he sees you moving on. Acting as if.

[25yearsmlc]

Nicole


I suggest you see a L asap b/c the divorce will be the most important financial transaction of your life.

And there's a chance he will want to reconcile someday. To ME, most likely that could only happen if he really believes he's losing you and your daughter. NOT by you putting up with his irrational rude behavior that you should NOT put up with.

You CAN calmly say "don't talk to me like that. I deserve better and so does she." Then leave the room and do NOT expect an apology or wait for his response. Hang up if he does that on the phone.

Do NOT expect him to be kind or fair in the divorce. With the way you describe his present behavior, it's text book MEAN and he will be that way the second you disagree with his wishes for the divorce.

You need an aggressive lawyer. Do NOT wait for your h to take the initiative in the divorce b/c that will be a blizzard attack, and please get a hold of financial information. Do Not Trust him.

I cannot tell you how SHOCKED I was when my h, just after I was released from the hospital with a life altering sudden illness, left AND took ALL the money in the joint accounts leaving me with $700 to my name. I didn't know anyone in the area b/c we had just moved there for his job, (job number 20??) and he went off to Alaska for his NEW great job...

I spun around for awhile due in part to my illness but also to my "refusal" to see the truth.

Get a hold of what the assets are, account numbers and whatever else a lawyer tells you.

I would see the L before you leave the state. SERIOUSLY. Otherwise you have to live in the new state for awhile before you can file there.

Your h refusing to let you in YOUR home to get YOUR property is a level of bullying that borders on crazy.

I filed in CA and then moved east b/c CA was where we had lived for 16 years and I didn't know the laws of the state I was moving to.

Please, protect yourself AND your d, more....a lot more.

And know that this gets better. Truly. But get your armor and helmet on b/c this guy is going to lob some missiles at you.

Steel yourself. And see if there is a DivorceCare group nearby. It's incredibly helpful to meet people in your shoes.

Hang in there


((( )))

[NicoleR]

25yrsmlc, Thanks for taking the time to share all that. Your timeline looks crazy. It can't believe this went on for so many years for you. I really want to read your thread more.

The sunk cost scenario does sound like what's going on. It's helpful to think of the situation that way.

Yes I will try to depersonalize. I've started doing that a little. When my husband saw a psychologist alone last summer and then I went to the same psychologist afterwards, I said to the psychologist "I guess he said a lot of bad things about me." The psychologist said "no, he actually said a lot of good things. He blames himself completely and knows he's being unfair to you." So yeah, I did a lot of things wrong and I'm working hard on changing those things about myself, but apparently that's not why my husband left.

I can see that I'm an obstacle in my husband's life at this point. His mean jerk behavior probably is due to that. He also seems to be out-of-control in general. He's always had mood swings but this new abusive twist is a new tactic.

I did identify a lawyer here where we live and I went through a consultation with her. Her opinion is that my husband has no idea what he's getting himself into and he's in for a rude awakening. I have a sense that my husband figured that out because he hasn't filed for divorce yet.

You know I have this lawyer here who is ready to be paid a retainer fee but I've already been planning to move in April for many months. I know even if I file, the divorce won't be completed before I move. I don't want to delay the move because I think I'll be stronger and better able to cope in my old city where I have friends and colleagues and job opportunities.

There are many reasons to file for divorce now, before I move, but I have a strong preference to be more prepared by waiting. My husband may file before I leave, which wouldn't surprise me, but I'm curious to see how he feels once we're gone, living a great life up North while he's here alone with his naïve girlfriend who knows nothing about his culture. I wonder if the freedom is going to be so great then? His girlfriend is a mainstream American and all her facebook photos are of her wearing a bikini on the beach holding a beer bottle or wearing some skimpy outfit in a club with a shot in her hand. I question whether someone like that will appreciate all my husband's 'tricks' once she really gets to know him.

It's not that I'm hoping my husband will show up soon after we move hoping to reconcile because there's no sign that will happen, especially not so fast, but I know in my current state I'm the weak one and my husband has the upper hand. I just wish to turn the tables and face divorce after we move when my husband will be the one 'left behind.' Feel free to tell me this is wrong but as I mentioned, I don't think the divorce will be completed by early April even if either of us do file now, so it will already have to be completed between two states.

25yearsmlc, how could your husband leave you with only $700? Did he lose his mind? Didn't he feel guilty about leaving and want to help you out a little?

My husband is acting crazy but he's still paying all our bills and cooperating financially. If he tries to stop paying the bills I'll probably show up at his doorstep with our daughter and a suitcase saying we're moving back in because we have nowhere else to go. I'm joking but I'm willing to take the financial risks just a little longer in exchange for a better mental state up until the day my husband stops paying.

I guess I'm holding on to the hope that life will get better in a few weeks after my daughter and I move. At that point I'll consult with a new lawyer up there to see what difference there may be in filing from there.

I'll try using the 'don't talk to me like that' approach if my husband is rude and mean again.

He stopped by tonight and was acting normal again. He brought a box of chocolate for our daughter and conversed with me. As he was leaving he stopped on the stair case and turned around and came back up and said he wants to fly up to our city on the day when we move-in to our new place to help us and make sure everything is ok for us. I told him he doesn't need to do that because we'll be fine and I already have a visitor that weekend. He said "no, I need to come and check everything and make sure it's ok."

Tomorrow I'm going to ask my husband not to come. He may still come, but I want him to see that we don't need him there. I really do want the move to be a turning point.

Again perhaps I'm wrong about waiting on the divorce but everything in the divorce should work in my favor financially which will make my husband into the loser. The stronger I can be to make that happen, and to show him the consequences of his actions, I think the stronger the chance his happy carefree life that he's living at the moment will come to an end.

I don't want my husband to suffer. I don't want to be unfair to him either. But I do hope to change the momentum and move on for real.

Will my husband want to reconcile later on, in a few years when he's burned through ten or twenty trashy women and realizes freedom isn't without consequences? I'd be so happy if he does. I don't know if we could have a new relationship or not, but I do wish for that day when I'm no longer just a piece of trash being thrown away.

I'm exhausted and probably not making much sense anymore, but thanks 25yrsmlc. I want to read your thread more to learn more about what happened to you. I'll follow-up more there.

[Ginger1]

Then one day he stopped by to see our daughter and she bumped into a door that was open. Suddenly he got mad at me and said it was my fault the door was open and I should keep it closed. I said "Ok, sorry, I'll keep it closed." His response was "You're an adult, not a five year old child." This was a really rude and abusive type of response. It's not something my normal husband would ever say. Then he came to the living room and told me not to leave my laptop on sofa because our daughter could bump into that too. He looked at me and said "I don't think we'll ever be together in the future. I just want this divorce to go smoothly."

This, Nicole, is where you need to really need to toughen up and respect yourself. This man has no business talking to you like that especially when he is not raising his own child. This is not where you apologize. This is where you say "I will not be spoken to that way" and leave the room when he does.

I want to find a kind gentle way to say this, and it may not come out that way, but what I am saying is all in good intention.

You cannot show that you are weak and scared. You are appearing weak and scared to him. Not only is that unattractive, it is not what you want to show your D. I think he has made you feel somewhat beneath him and inadequate for so long you are beginning to act like he views you. He is a physician, not a God who deserved to be bowed down to. I am nurse and I have worked with some who have that complex, but most are very down to earth and treat everyone with respect. I have physician friends. Yes, it is a very demanding career, and many careers are demanding, but everyone's effort and time should be respected.
Now go get your stuff when it is convienient for you, who cares how angry it makes him. That house and stuff is just as much yours and it is his.

I know it hurts. But the reality right now of who this man is right now is what you have to work with. You can do it.

[NicoleR]

Thanks Ginger. You said it in a good way. It's not so much about my husband being a physician, because up until recently he was only an aspiring one, but about trying to learn how to communicate with him. It seems I've failed both before and after he left. I was overly defensive previously and would attack my husband when he would try to correct me on something. That was my own flaw, so I'm trying to be more humble, but now I failed again and went in the opposite direction by being too weak. It's hard to get the dynamic right. I'm just not good at it. I'll keep trying.

I admire you being a nurse. It's not an easy career. Mine is rigorous in a different way but I'll be honest in saying that being a single mom is more difficult than any career challenge I've ever faced.

Thanks again for your input.

[Ginger1]

I'm going to tell you a little about my R with my exH and it may or may not resonate with you. My ex was mean, never really kind and very difficult. But I glossed over it and somehow managed to convince myself he was great. During our M, I graduated nursing school, he changed careers, ect. We decided to try to have a child and we found out had a major fertility issue which required surgery for him, and IVF for me. It worked, but my pregnancy was high risk due the STD he had given me back when we first began dating. I worked night shift in the ICU. I had hoped he would finally become the supportive husband I needed and I didn't have to carry the marriage alone anymore. Well, I was wrong. Everything was still about him. I went from being a great obiedient wife to becoming defensive. I was warding off the attacks before they even came. I knew what to expect, my eyes were open to it, and I shut him down before he could attack. That's when he found someone else. Yeah, I own my part for becoming defensive. But I do not own him straying. He ran when the going got tough and things weren't exactly as he wanted it anymore. He now has a wife (his affair partner) he is going on 7 years with and she is as abusive to her as he is to me and disrspects out D10 too. His OWW takes it. I know all of this as fact from my D. I wouldn't want to trade places with her in a million years.

This may or may not be true to your sitch. But was your H really this kind, gentle human being and one day a switch flipped? Or did you manage to talk yourself into a little, like I did?

You have to stop taking responsibility for his choices. These are not your failures. Perhaps you have mistakes in communication as a couple, but you do not own these "failures"

And thank you. Being a nurse is a demanding job, emotionally and physicaly. But guess what. Going to work was my getaway sometimes! I was both a SAHM and a full-time worker in a sense. I worked nights, and raised our D alone during the day. 2 days a week I had daycare so I could sleep after a shift. I admit, going to work was a vacation sometimes. So, please give yourself credit, because single mommin' full time, is freaking HARD! What you do is nothing short of amazing. You H does not respect that. I could guarantee going to work is much more appealing to him then raising his child for more than a few hours a week.

[25yearsmlc]

Did I mention my h is also a physician? Yes, he is. It was a career change he made when our son was 8 WEEKS old and I was still in law school.

They get adulation at work that no one woman can ever, humanly, match. There is a danger to that at work and how it seeps into the private life.

If they have no serious faith and moral compass to which they adhere, it's a recipe for marriage to a narcissist.

Gosh it's incredibly cliched to see a doctor in a "Subsequent" marriage b/c the adoration factor at home (like love, loyalty, AND taking out the garbage) means to them, not enough "gratitude expressed!!" for anything they did at home. I recall h banging drawers closed if he put the silverware away, as if he resented doing the smallest of tasks AND OR awaiting the "thanks for ALL the help!" comment. Yet I cannot ever recall him thanking me for raising our children, or giving up a career option, or much. He had trouble saying thank you AT HOME or to family. And he never said "sorry" for missing an event or living away or over working.

No wife, no one person can possibly express enough affirmation on a daily basis, for those who need constant ego strokes as some do. It would be a very rare doctor I'd marry now.

When you see a professional man in a position of success, Even if they are NOW kind and generous, (or seem to be), it would be hard to know that another woman got them to where they are now, a woman they were content to discard, children they no longer see much of, or whom they shower with gifts but not time...

Partners at law firms can be the same way. That's why people saying they want to "meet a rich doctor" really pushes my buttons. The surgeon for my leg (who will NOT be my surgeon now) told me point blank that his "new" wife is divorcing him and "trying to take all" HIS money. (SO ironic he'd tell ME this).

I asked about his kids, who are grown up now. He told me that his first wife, "moved them to New Jersey so he couldn't see them". Meaning, 1) he still has no relationship with GROWN children, and 2) New Jersey is a 4 hour drive from him.

How on earth can he claim that his relationships with his kids is STILL his ex wife's fault?
Because at work no one challenges him and he can still get dates.

He has now failed at least 2 former wives. He has zero insight into this. He has lousy r's with his FOUR GROWN kids, and

AT WORK - he is THE BOSS. Mostly surrounded by women, he gets profusely thanked, politely asked questions, very well paid, does not share more than legally required but due to his "wearing down his first wife in the divorce" (which he told me like it was an achievement!)

he has his answers equated to gospel, all things mundane are done for him.

He's a little older than me, NOT handsome, but charming and witty.

And I'm pretty sure he's living with #3 (or 4 or 5???) OW and, I kid you not,

he ASKED ME OUT FOR LUNCH. OMG he so read me wrong.

So, back to earth...learn what you can from that^^ anecdote but it seemed like God was showing me the "other side" of my h's life. Once, when d20 was just 5 DAYS old, I asked h to take some time off to help me with our new baby and 2 older kids, b/c we were in temporary housing and knew no one.

He made a comment about how lucky I was to be married to him. Maybe it was the hormones but I took that comment like a punch in the stomach and felt a horrible sense of danger.

I see now that he had a capacity for cruelty and selfishness that is impossible for him to overcome, long term. Please understand that just as the surgeon was charming and witty, he wronged the mother of his 4 children. My xh is well built, charming and witty and can ACT very sensitive. All these things can be true.

But I don't have the capacity for cruelty to anyone, let alone the father of my children. Let alone when they are vulnerable.

My xh does, and so does your h. Don't look away from that reality. Face it as best you can.

Next topic -

Also, filing for divorce in the state where you are now, does NOT require you to stick around there till resolution. You can file there, and then leave.

But the state you move to, has residency requirements which will delay your ability to file there. And you don't know their laws, correct?

AND filing in another state may not be advantageous to you, depending on their divorce laws. CHECK THAT ASAP PLEASE...

the lawyer you told you that your h does not know what's coming, is probably the one who "gets" it.

Also you seem to think by filing for divorce, YOU are ending the marriage and that it will mean nothing can ever be repaired.

I think the opposite. I think the only way this guy will wake up and smell the coffee, is by you filing. I do not expect it to happen. But it's the only way I can envision it.

He's treating you horribly and it's been going on awhile. No indication of a change.

Which means, to him, your devotion and loyalty -- are not working.

**I thought I'd "love my h thru his MLC" AND Then he'd reward my forgiving and steadfastness, with reciprocity and appreciation! We'd get past all this and be how we once were. I thought it had happened!

I was 100% wrong.

Eventually, and with a few bones thrown at me now and then, to help me maintain the illusion he was as invested in our marriage and family as I was, - in time -

He came to treat me with barely contained contempt. 6 months ago he actually told his L that he "hates" my guts. That amazes me.

I did nothing to deserve that and frankly, it sounds truly irrational to me. He betrayed ME in every way a h can betray a w. And HE hates ME??? Wow...

It must take a lot of energy on his end to delude himself into thinking I did anything to put him in the position he's in now. But my request, which the court granted, was temporary support. He felt he should pay ZERO support b/c, hey, I get 1/9 of his salary by way of a pension.

Still, the mean old court agreed with me, and that infuriated h to an insane level. He immediately posted on FB about OW being the 'love of his life" and our children were freaked out, and I was deeply wounded and shocked.

He then told our kids and swore under oath that he had "retired". That was a lie. We proved it. Proving he lied, did not humble him in the least. It angered him more!


Let ^^^ that sink in...and prepare yourself.

Like I said, I don't think your h is going to have a grand awakening anytime soon. But for sure it won't be by you "nicing" him back home. You cannot love him through this.

You have to stand up for yourself and let him see the strong empowered woman and protective mother, you are.

more later

[NicoleR]

Ginger, my husband really was that nice previously when he came fresh from his country where his family had raised him with values and his life had been simple. When he came here he saw how aggressive Americans are, even myself although I may not sound like it here. He used to apologize for everything, even when it was my fault, and bring flowers and cards and gifts. Gradually, when he had trouble getting a residency, and then in residency where he performed poorly and was treated terribly and abusively he began to act out and change. I was mad at him for not caring about our daughter every day when he came home, and at work he wasn't respected. I distinctly remember when he started to change. He would come home and stare at the wall and say "I don't like my life. I don't like my work. I don't like being married." Then everything deteriorated from there. My husband withdrew and I was struggling too much caring for our daughter and working multiple consulting jobs to reach out to him. It's a long story. None of us get to where we are in one step I'm sure. There are so many things that lead up to a spouse leaving or cheating.

25yrsmlc, it's just so appalling that your husband could be like that. Is he American? I used to try to rationalize things by saying my husband is from a different culture, survived war, etc.. but it seems anyone can become this way and do this to their spouse. How have you moved on? Did you start to date anyone else? Are you financially stable now?

I'll write more later!

[25yearsmlc]

He's American and politically conservative. "Traditional values". But he did become atheist about 6 years ago, and that seemed to give him permission to just pursue what he wanted, regardless of the costs to others.

In reality, historically xh had minimized the costs to others anyhow, like when we'd move he never admitted that the kids were going thru a lot. He'd give them a shallow PEP TALK!!! and then move on to another topic. So I'm not sure if he became atheist to justify bad choices or he made bad choices because he is atheist. Not sure it matters at all.

Have I moved on? Good question. I think that where the head goes, the heart will follow. So I work hard to get my heart to let what I know in my head, SINK IN. And I've zoomed ahead lately. That's the one upside to x's hideous behavior, I'm NOT confused by his present behavior. He's gone off the reservation and I'm not waiting around to see if he wants back in. IF he ever does, it would be years from now and by then, I will be in a totally different BETTER life. Heck, I already am.

I swear to you, I know ^^^this. I do hope we can be cordial for the kids sake.

Yes I am dating. I waited a year to date, but have been asked out several times.

I am dating a very kind, very smart guy, who makes an EFFORT in the R. (That's novel!)

He really put in tie to plan Valentines, which touched me deeply. He calls me often, makes it obvious that I am a priority in his life. It's kind of amazing.


But I'm not at all sure he's "the one". Statistically speaking, he probably isn't. We are by definition "rebounds" for each other.

But he's been such a comfort to me at this time in my life AND I am a comfort to him, and he's having a rough time in his life due to having both parents dying last year, his brother was paralyzed in an accident, etc.


I'm loathe to commit to anyone at this point, and my T made me SWEAR not to marry the first guy I dated. Even IF I thought the first guy was "the right one"<- she said I should still date around and then circle back.

She made full eye contact and made me swear I would "Not marry the first guy". It was a little heavy handed but I literally did swear. And I still remember how serious and "knowing" she was when she said this.

Whereas x will marry his OW, b/c he's a prideful fool, I am not competing with that. I understand the urge to feel as if not having another person makes you feel "he's winning."

But the "equation" is not "x versus me". It is about what I'm learning from this ordeal and how I'm GAL. Living well and discovering happiness on my own, and crowding out x and memories and painful triggers,
with my new joyful activities that require attention and focus, with new people and old friends and loved ones, is mandatory. Even with a child. You are modeling for her, how to heal from a broken heart. She will have one, someday. Show her how it's done. Be a woman of strength and dignity who recovers from adversity in a way that shows grace and fierce integrity.

[25yearsmlc]

Aside from the fact that I care very much for the man I'm dating, ("M") I have kept the R with him very private.

For one thing, M has an ex wife, and it would probably hurt her to know he's dating even though their marriage ended. And even though she's the rejecting party. I'm not the type to ignore how she'd feel.
I'm not interested in bragging to the world. Makes me feel that those who advertise their r's are doing so for insecure reasons. You know what I mean? Happy people are too busy BEING happy, to shove their r's in other people's faces.

I hear a LOT of men in divorce care say their wives' "won't remarry or even date" and I am amazed they feel that way. As if they cannot imagine another man being interested in their wives.

(It's really pretty annoying actually).

I will be careful to learn all I can from this ordeal. I will never be this hurt again so in a way, I am willing to take MORE risks, but not stupid ones.

make sense?

The good news is that I know I'm capable of attracting and being attracted to another man, and being well treated and seeing that a man is very attracted to me, is damn nice. You will find this to be true, as well.

I don't feel as if I will be alone if I don't want to be. Nor will you.

But this is the first time in my adult life I've been on my own and I like it a lot . I waited a year before dating. And I'm okay not being married.

You have a Daughter at home. When I had kids at home, I talked to a family psychologist about when to introduce a man to the kids.

His advice was that If you have kids at home, only introduce your D to a man when you feel somewhat sure you want that man in your life "for real." Maybe be 3/4 sure that he's the one...FWIW.

I knew a widower with 4 kids, who met a woman for coffee and then dinner. Then they decided to take dance lessons every Saturday night and would assess how they wanted to proceed, after the lessons. They hoped to see how they'd learn together and if there was chemistry, etc.

THEN they met each other's kids and married maybe a year later. He faced another tragedy when his 3rd child died and I'm glad to say that his wife#2 stood by him, LOVED his kids the way his late wife would have (She was my friend) and it was like a divine intervention for him and for his kids.

It happens. He was careful, I'll be careful, and you will be too.

The odds are against your h and his "schmoopie" lasting, and even if they do, he'll always resent her for the loss of his daughter "look what I gave up for YOU" and garbage like that. And she can be with a man who she sees ignores his first wife and child. That has to give you pause.

If they each lack empathy, then he's found someone of his caliber. That's karma.

You asked - yes Financially, I will have "enough". It's not "fair", it's not what I should have gotten. But I have financial security, if that is your question.

I have income for life, and soon it'll be sent directly to me and NOT from h, who sends me random amounts and always late. When I'm a little older, I'll have a nest egg. X will have a lot more MONEY, but he's lost the 4 people who loved him the most. And if he emerges from this unscathed, and isn't haunted, then he really does lack the empathy gene.

And that's a soul sucking way for me to live. Now, I don't have to.

In the interim, xh really messed me up. By taking ALL the marital money, I had to borrow for legal fees and that was NOT easy to do. Thankfully, I'm from a huge family and they lent me A LOT of money to fight.

If not for them, I'd be up a creek. Seriously. I want you to realize how lucky I am.

That is how some people get screwed in these situations, as it's like a war of attrition. X has more resources so he could try to say "oh, I forgot to pay 25 what I agreed...and So what??"

And my family would rally and the other lawyers in my family would jump in and PUNISH x in a way h h would not want. (But it's a lot to ask of them. I'd only do that in a "grand finale emergency.") I'm SO grateful for my family.

I was very sick when he decided to leave and I was impaired. My son drove up and was shocked and he probably will not ever see h in the same light. My sisters flew out to pack me, my BIL flew out to drive me and my dog, in a moving van, across the country.

So when I say that I'm not sure how I'd have managed to do what I needed to do while I was so confused and unable to concentrate (I had a neurological event out of nowhere and X was just AWOL and nasty and it was stunning to me that he'd be so out of line mean. It was embarrassing, and my family was appalled. X can tell others whatever he tells them but I'll always know - and at some level he does too - he really disappointed our family and that was the foggiest time of my life AND YET I saw him so clearly then.

A switch was flipped.



It's a lot for x to over come and if he thinks he can just treat me badly and then pretend that's all separate from his r's with the kids, is insane.

I am very uncomfortable with you waiting to see what your H does, as if you filing for D is somehow going to hurt your chances of a recon.

I think you are still afraid of "making him mad." I mean, could he treat you much worse?

Thing is, he IS mad at you now. And he WILL be mad the second you ask for anything of him. He is already mad at you for being...you... Leaving a door open!!...I mean, step back to see how out of control he is NOW. Your h is biding his time. He may even get a default judgement against you when you move out of state, or say you abducted the daughter or abandoned him.

Please protect yourself BEFORE you leave the area.

Soon, my x will be a dot on the horizon in my rear view mirror, and someday, someday,

he will hold the place of irrelevance he so richly deserves.

And I will be just fine.