If God told you from the sky that your marriage was over forever, that WW would never change or come back, that you would have to find purpose and meaning in your life without her or the marriage- what would you do?
There are two types of answers. The first are things that burn bridges. Telling off your WW and posting nasty stuff about her on social media for everyone to see. Getting into a fight with OM and getting arrested. Dating another woman on the rebound. I wouldn't do any of those things.
The second list is more wholesome. Getting your own place. Securing your financial and legal rights. Making a parenting schedule and taking care of your kids. Taking care of yourself. Getting support. Etc. This is the path you I would recommend.
I think the reason Coconut is saying to move on is because this road I just described is this path is the first steps towards creating an environment in which healing could be possible...and it is also the first few steps towards recovery should it never be possible. It's a no lose situation.
What's FAR FAR FAR more common are people that set out on that path but are desperately hoping to avoid it, people that are so hopeful that their WW comes around that they enable the poor behavior of the WW.
It's easy to say "I won't do that, I couldn't accept her like this", but that's the analytical part of you. We're all human, we're all emotional, and NO ONE wants to have to accept this type of loss. I don't care how analytical you are, there is denial of the reality that your M is over, there is bargaining that comes from not believing it can't be worked out. Those emotions make you extremely vulnerable to her manipulation. She holds the keys to your deepest desires (her/marriage) and your deepest fears (experiencing this loss) and she knows it at some level. As long as she can manipulate you she will refuse to change. And she will manipulate you until she feels you no longer desire her or fear this loss. The only way out of the trap is to accept that loss, and that is a process that only starts when you start living like it has occurred.
The reasons we are against in-house separation are because 1) you are very unlikely to be able to consistently withstand her attempts at manipulation (this might be technically impossible), and 2) because if you were truly fed up you wouldn't agree to co-habit, you'd find a way to split things up so you could live your life without her. Not doing this just tells me that you are hoping you'll never have to.
Am I saying you should slap her and tell her to leave tonight? That you have to give up your home? Nope. Not saying that. What I AM saying is you shouldn't get any closer or agree to anything right now.
I agree with taking a week or two at a friends house and deliberately reflecting on each step. I would live and think as if the divorce were inevitable. I'd start thinking about what had to happen. Financial separation, living arrangements. I'D CONSULT A LAWYER. And so on.
Because that's what you'd do, right? If the D was inevitable? Wouldn't you? You wouldn't be rehearsing speeches to her about what you'd need to see from her to work things out, because it would be over. It's past that. Now, if the day comes she does that stuff on her own accord and backs it up with consistent behavior over a course of time, you can always change your mind. But adapting this mindset and maintaining your distance is your only shot, D or no D.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
btw--i do not think your wife and have very different fundamental hang ups... they are very similar according to what you have shared... and you and my husband have a few things in common too... but we can talk about those things another time... you are in dire straights right now and we need to focus on the business at hand... btw, i like DonH's idea of staying with a friend for a good week... or more... but a good week would be better than your going back immediately... i am glad you are still asking for advice...
Shouldn't I at least make another attempt to get her out of the house? I mean, on some level I suppose you can meet me look weak to the man that and then if she refuses knowing I have no way to force the issue, but it Galls me to have to leave my own house my own bedroom and my own son when I have done absolutely nothing wrong.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Shouldn't I at least make another attempt to get her out of the house? I mean, on some level I suppose you can meet me look weak to the man that and then if she refuses knowing I have no way to force the issue, but it Galls me to have to leave my own house my own bedroom and my own son when I have done absolutely nothing wrong.
Where you sleep this week is not nearly as pivotal of an issue as how you handle your next 5-10 interactions.
The emotional part of you desires interactions with her. Talking about the house is a good excuse. Don't right now. Step back. Slow down. Deliberate. Find a lawyer.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
HJ, I am sorry that you are hurting and angry because of me and what I have done. I have a letter if you would like to read it. I can put it somewhere for you to pick up if you do not want to see me or talk to me. I am so, so sorry that I hurt you
Was this her actual text - as in copy and paste? Because, while yes the words "I'm sorry" are included, look at what she's sorry for! I don't see I'm sorry for lying to you. I don't see I'm sorry for cheating on you. What I see is she is sorry you are hurt by what she did - that of which she may or not be sorry for actually doing.
Am I being too word specific here or is this part of her still not getting it? It's nice that she is sorry that you are hurt but I'd much rather see her sorry for what she has done!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
HJ, I am sorry that you are hurting and angry because of me and what I have done. I have a letter if you would like to read it. I can put it somewhere for you to pick up if you do not want to see me or talk to me. I am so, so sorry that I hurt you
Was this her actual text - as in copy and paste? Because, while yes the words "I'm sorry" are included, look at what she's sorry for! I don't see I'm sorry for lying to you. I don't see I'm sorry for cheating on you. What I see is she is sorry you are hurt by what she did - that of which she may or not be sorry for actually doing.
Am I being too word specific here or is this part of her still not getting it? It's nice that she is sorry that you are hurt but I'd much rather see her sorry for what she has done!
No you are not being too word specific... This rang out to me too, but I was reluctant to point it out because hoosjim and I disagreed in the past about the significance of her words... I have said upteen times that words matter... She uses the passive voice here, and yet again, she lacks commitment to acknowledging the cr@p she has caused... The words she uses and the words she does not use are quite telling... She doesn't get it still... She is still in trying-to-smooth-things-over mode...
And if I were advising her, I would urge her to rethink giving hoosjim that letter... Nothing in that letter is good for her cause... It is filled with a lot of "too little too late." I guarantee that... Empty explanations... Tissue paper excuses...
Zeus perfectly described what I was saying, his words perfectly describe what I went through, I don't have the eloquence, or patience, to spell it out as such, but he nailed it.
Artista can tell you in detail what and how SHE is feeling, thinking, going through, but don't think knowing that gives you a path to change her. Read artistas words to see and understand the manipulative, uncaring, self preservation mode your W is in, understand that the M doesn't matter to her right now, the only thing that matters to your W is that she gets what she wants right now. Remove her ability to get what she wants, and you will start making a change.
If I could go back and do it again, I would have been willing to go bankrupt, renting my own oceanfront condo, maxing my credit to furnish my new place as I wanted to live MY life, to move forward in finding myself. I know it sounds crazy, but finding myself sooner would of resulted in me saving my M. Because that was the thing missing in my M, my ability to being my own man... You Jim, are not your own man either. I'm not talking about getting a life, I'm talking about having a life, being the most confident person in the room. You need to find yourself before she will do anything not to lose you.
Ps- don't go bankrupt, but don't be afraid of the unknown.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
