Sandi, thanks, as always. Meant to include this all in previous post but it got very long and unwieldy and then I posted it mistakenly before I was done (and asked cadet to delete that part, so here are my thoughts, etc., on your post:
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Artista has your W's number! Your W has not ended her A. She is barely seeing a taste of consequences for her behavior. Notice how shocked she was when you mentioned D? She is purely reacting out of her emotional state. BTW, withdrawals will last longer than a couple of weeks......but I think I see what you asking.
Here is the gentlest thing I can think to say of this... at least from my standpoint knowing what I know... and maybe even 30000 feet without knowing it: This is a BIG assumption and, I think, an unfair and dangerous one. It is based really on nothing but, well, nothing than the belief that if she went to see OM at the gym 8 months after I know she last saw him that she must have been seeing him in the interim. That's just. hmmmm.... It just doesn't follow logically or necessarily. Possible? Yes. But beyond that, don't even know if I'd go probable. I believe, based on what I have been told, that she probably DID speak with him, even somewhat regularly, starting at some point in the past couple of months. Which would dovetail with some of the days she'd come home and be sad or withdrawn or whatever over that time frame. Other than that, not sure she ever had the opportunity to "see" him and... I am not sure I am prepared to say these calls by him to her constituted even an emotional affair. A continuation of... Idunno. Actually, the more I read your post above the more I can see that maybe you're saying she had been continuing the affair(?) which is not unfair. Whatever it was it was well over the line given what she was supposed to be doing (or not doing.) And I am still not sure I can forgive her for that, though I am wondering about this possibility that he threatened her at some point. Still so much unknown.
At any rate, to say she is still continuing it NOW? I have absolutely no basis to think that.
Whatever. I get your point. She was doing what she shouldn't have been doing.
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I did not end my A and immediately go into showing "good works". The only thing I did productive wise, was getting through nearly six months of withdrawals. It took all I had to just get through the day.
Here, I am not sure I wouldn't say what my W went through in those early months were NOT withdrawals. Heck, I don't know exactly when he started calling her. (If we "do this thing", though, I am damned sure going to ask for her office phone records to check.) But, if she were not talking to him for those early months, which SOUNDS like it might have been the case, her demeanor during those early months, which was pretty uniformly terrible, might have been indicative. IDK. Just wondering.
And, there's the question I still keep having in my head-- was she actually a "WW".. or at least a stereotypical ww. And, just how inflexible is that "dogma"? I wonder.
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The key in determining if your W is being genuine in "productive" actions, is her willingness. How willing is she to do whatever is necessary to save the M? That means, she doesn't get to lay out her terms. Sure, the couple can talk about what each one needs from the other, but she is in no position to make demands or give stipulations.
As I posted in my previous posts, there are a couple encouraging signs here. Is it early? Yes. Which is why I am watching. And waiting. And not holding my breath. But I was about 99% writing this thing off as of this morning, and now im thinking that my lack of faith was misplaced... that there may actually be a realistic shot for us.
Anyay, I am not looking for your blessing, here, either on my W's actions or on my stance, but I do appreciate very much your views and insights. (And, FWIW, if it makes a difference, and if you have been at all worried about it, I do not think you were "too soft" on my W earlier in this process, and I do not at all hold you accountable for "missing" this latest blow up coming or for getting me sucked back in or whatever. I entered with eyes wide open and made my own choices. Your perspectives are guided by what is in YOU and by your experiences and by your knowledge and how YOU assimilate it... that's what makes it valuable. Don't change your stance or your thinking or your whatever just because you think you "missed" on one WW... and for all you know? Your first inclination may yet turn out to be correct...
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
