Former WH, now LBS Please Help, close to Give Up

[sandi2]

I was very short, and not wiling to talk.

Good job! She is very curious about your intentions. So many questions!

I am filling sad. I thought i will forgive everything, but first it should stop.

It is normal to feel sadness. It is too soon to forgive, b/c this is like raw meat. Give yourself time. ((hugs))

it is strange....in the past (1 year ago) in situation after fight or what ever, i have waited the smallest bite from her to start talk about want to be together and so on ....pursuit like crazy, in general this is not change nothing. The reals change in her attitude was when i start to hold my ground in front of the kids, and not call her, text or what ever pursuit.

When she sees you won't pursue her, she will chase you. She will play games. Hold your ground, b/c if you go back to her, you do not want to experience this again.

[AnotherStander]

You've gotten great advice from Sandi!!

I was asking about her message - what dose mean? She do not ask question, just gilt trip, i sow like this. My translation was very close.

You are doing a fine job of translating to English, but it's really hard for us to understand your W's intent because of the translation. A lot of subtle nuances get lost in a translation from one language to another. But reading it here is my take- you are taking away your W's safety net and she doesn't like it. She is trying to "nice" you back. IE, she doesn't want to give up OM or change anything, she just wants you to return so everything can go back to HER normal so that she can resume HER cake-eating of having a family AND an OM. I know it's tough on you but like Sandi said you have got to stand your ground and accept nothing less than her giving up OM and devoting herself 100% to your M. Don't believe all her sweet, flowery comments, she is not willing to commit yet. She's got to feel she will well and truly lose you before she hits rock bottom, and unfortunately that's likely to take a while. At least several months.

Her writing to me in general, is that I make the decision to live and she will support this decision and respect me for doing that (no longer accept that), and she will never go back to me, or allow me to go back to her.

You know Sandi's rule about not believing anything they say and only half of what they do? Yeah, that. Don't try to dissect what she tells you and look for hidden meaning because what comes out of her mouth is 100% unreliable.

[betheoa]

Hi AS,
thanks to write to my story.
yes, now i look back and see how difficult is to read my translation . I will write it better wording and sentence.

At least several months.

i really did not set any time table in my mind. I hope so will not become in rush. Now i am thinking that i have opened the opportunity to WW contact OM2 more often as well as seeing him. But it has to be as it is.

Sandi's rule

yes i have tried to follow this rules, when i was at home. I just struggle with GAL, i was scared to go out, because she did not do it by herself, as well as to not be nice and pleasant.

again thanks being here

[betheoa]

Hi there,
today i i am not so sad, there was moments i felt gilt how i left my kids, but i know why i am doing this.

In the morning my WW called, and ask me where i am, so i answer i drink coffee in the hotel i stayed. Then she tells me there is a problem with the breaks of her car (she use the car to go for work and drive kids to school). She ask me would i care about the car, or she must do it by her self. I answer that will manege it and inform her when will be done. I was very short, and not try to hold the talk at all.


At the afternoon, she write FB, about she use the debit car of my account, to put fuel in the car, she write that she use the car because i left them like furniture (aka. without give then any money or what ever support - this is not true, i our house there is money),She also write that she will give me back the money she take for the fuel (it is not common for use to separate any spends. She also write that she is scared about their life (her and the kids), because of the car issue. (the whole text was not in pleasant tone).
I respond shortly, when i contact with the service, i will let you know. This will be probably Saturday or Sunday.

I have question:
1. Should i go to do sport activities with her and the kids, or i should avoid any interaction together with her.
2. Next day is a mother/woman day in my country, should i do something like a text/call to note this. In the past 5-6 years ago i was gilt with neglecting and miss to note/flowers/presents many important days/anniversaries and so on.

She was in FB contact with OM2 all day.

[sandi2]

How are you doing this week? I hope you won't stop posting.

My advice about going to sports events and doing things as a family should stop, until she ends her affair. The same advice for holidays, traditions, and special events. As long as she is contacting OM......you will not join her or show special recognition to her on special events. Do you understand why? It is not b/c you want to punish her or b/c you are angry. It is b/c a wayward wife will not respect her H if he does all these things while she is in an affair with another man. She should not have both family activities and affair activities.

BTW, you should see your children and take them to do things without inviting the W. You can support their activities without going with your W.

[betheoa]

Hi Sandy, and all other.
I am still here...but tray gain courage to write.

So i am back to home...it was a week, to not be at home.
All week when i was "separated", my wife wrote me on FB "blame me, threatening me, being angry, ask me to go home...." and so on. On the most of the text i did not answer.
I did not call to her, and answering her call very really.
I left on 04.03. and go to home to see the kids on 10.03. When i sow them, i felt very bed. So i have decide to stay at home.

I understand it is look like slide back...maybe yes, but in reality i was not ready to live separate, considering the financial part.

For this 14 days i am at home, there is not changes. My wife contact OM, pursuing him very hard, if she pull back OM trigger her. It is madness dance.

There is nothing new, the thinks i wrote before, are happening again and again. So i am on way to stop Analise her.
I am taring to be confident, not pursuing at all and be bigness neighbor. Do not show affection and reduce attention. Try to avoid being at home (be at work).
Of course that allow her to FB OM2, but in the past i try to be next to her all the time (avoid her to FB OM)...the result is ...nothing.

So i will stay at home (for now), and will not react to any WW behavior - there is nothing i can do....except to star working on our second flat (we bought 1.5 years ago), it is near to the place we are living now. My WW wont from me to go for another flat (investment for the kids), but in reality it is her way to stuck me in long term commitment to the family (not financial opportunity to leave, or separate).

So i am starting to prepare this flat for me, that is like a Goal. I will told her this when she bring the topic(normally she start talking about together future - like buying a flat for the kids), when i pull away hardly and/or OM2 pull back.
Right after OM2 start pursuing her and/OR i show some interest (just do not cut her right away) to follow her ideas, she is relaxed, and focus her mind out of the family.

So i am going to reread detachment and Sandy`s topics and follows the Sandy rules.

I was in thinking to confront/ask OM2 to leave my WW alone, but i see this like controlling.

What i cant take a way from my WW?
1. Financial support
2. Attention Affection, if at the moment OM2 is not pursuing her.
3. The illusion of great family to relatives and mutual friends.

That is for tonight, i am at work and i am tired.

My focus goals are:
1. Make second flat ready for living (possibility to move there if separation take place).
2. Focus on my kids, much more than before.
3. Perform better at work.
Detach as much as possible.
4. Decrease/avoid snooping.

[sandi2]

No, you should not work longer days. You should go out and have fun at night after your meal with the family. We call it, getting a life (GAL). Leave her home with kids, and you go have fun.

What i cant take a way from my WW?

Why do you think you cannot remove affection, attention, and support? Why do you think you cannot remove illusion of happy family? Only give financial support for kids and house.

My focus goals are:
1. Make second flat ready for living (possibility to move there if separation take place).
2. Focus on my kids, much more than before.
3. Perform better at work.
Detach as much as possible.
4. Decrease/avoid snooping.

Very good!

[sandi2]

I would like to hear from you. How are you doing?

[betheoa]

Hi Sandi.
I am really feel dispersed, and need some support from you.
Last week I am calm do not call,ask and what ever pursuing.
It was a situation and I saw that OM write to her, as well as sow her for coffee during hair cut. She did not do any moves to stop contact even increase her pursuing time him, to see him for lunch dinner, and so on.
She try several times to involved me in R talks. I did my best to shut the talks as fast as possible.
I told her that I will not go to invest in new flat, and I will go to make our other flat ready for leaving (I told her I will move there, when it is ready, because there is not any other way , to resolve the situation). She do not do nothing about stop contact with OM - there still not relationship between them, but she is in very high limerance to him.

After I shut hurt down about, when she told me if she can do anything about it, I told her that she know what should be done, she told me she will not agree with any ultimatum, I respond the convo is over. She continuous to nagging and ask why I behave like this, I told her to stop and do not discuss the new flat end more.

Since then 2 days ago we are just civil. She is a bit happy.
Today I found out that she is going to meet him to eat cake as a date. And pursuing very hard for next dates von diners and lunches. It is like when I shut her down there is not anymore obstacles to increase the contact with OM.


So Sandy I have 3 months befoure the other flat to be ready. And I will need to leave in her.

Any advice how to behave with her.

She suspect that I will see about her dating on FB

I am lost and afraid. But today I will start real 180.
She will see my 180 as free ticket to develop R with OM further more. I AM TRYING to fighting with the panice in my self.

Please responding to support me.

[betheoa]

Hi again Sandi,
Now i am at my PC, will write more (i need to write, i am filling very down).
So today she act out of rebellion, meet OM like date, even she know i can found out, she even send the kids, to her parents to make opportunity to meet him.
So i think this is braking point in me, i feel desperate, but will force my self to have this braking point (drop the rope).
So what i am doing from today on.
1. I am going to be much more bigness to her than ever, if she ask why i behave like this, i will answer "seriously?", i know what i know (from snooping), i will not confront her about what i know, it does not matter any more (she know what she is doing, and she know i am not agree), that is enough.
2. I will resist to temptation to confront OM, it will looks desperate, i did not see, what good will achieve if i am doing this.
3.I am going further to done our new flat to live there in the end of June, till then i need some advice, how to handle the every day living with her, i expect her interaction with the OM, to increase much more, because of my 180 and drop the rope. She will do it to punish me as well as to get her high from him, i think this will go to full blown EA and possible PA,so i am preparing my self to that. From my side begging or pleading or so on, i cut this many years ago (i did when she was only WAW), but cut this when she become WW.
4. I an sure, when i do 180 i behave aloof, and act as if i go with my life, she will behave very nice and pleasant, even more if i do not bug her about her where about or any other question about her, she will be even more glad ....?
5. Should i avoid contacts with her Parents, like going together with WW and the kids to drop the kids and take them to her parents?
6.Should i put down my weeding ring or/and change my FB status.(i feel this will be more to punish her, instead to do something about my detachment.
7. This week, will be without the kids, should i stay out of the house (that will give her opportunity), to go out with OM at the evening, aka. make opportunity to PA?
8. Should i start separate finance about the house, or i will keep handle the household and the kids, but not pay for her things.
9. Should i inform relative about the separation?


Please Sandi, or someone else, write to me, ask me to be responsible to YOU, about my behavior and detachment, i need to be responsible to someone else, because i feel too week, too nice guy, to be strong when she softened and i feel like slide back to be nice and pleasant as well.

So i need a plan (long term), and short term (to handle every day, before possibility to separate.

I feel i become WAH, i feel jealousy i feel all thing around.