Thanks AS. I think I did let me head get over my feet in a dead run on this.
The house thing might be too far down the path to pull back on now. It's a bad idea I know. But with my new salary we were due an upgrade in housing. I won't agree to anything I won't want of she decides to leave me. Also MC is supportive of the idea so Id look like a real jerk to pull it back now.
I will try harder on the passive aggressive front. slipped back into old ways there this morning. feeling like an idiot now for my behavior.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Took my lunch hour today to try to sort through things in my head. I am fluctuating between going home and telling her I want D, to getting back up on the horse and trying again. I just don't see how much longer I can continue this. She is still not fully vested in this MR, and as AS pointed out R cannot truly occur until she is.
She is cake eating and living it up. In the meantime I have to wonder what she is doing and who she is doing it with. Admittedly I am in a much better place here than just a month ago. Today I haven't really thought about any of that, and when I have apathy has set in. Any emotion towards it is more sadness that she allowed us to get to the point where I can't trust her anymore.
In my non-MR relationships if you violate my trust you get kicked to the curb. I don't tolerate it in my friendships and in my family relationships. So why should I tolerate it in my MR? Should I? If that is a standard I have for myself and others, why should I not hold to that standard with my W?
I am starting to wonder if she'll ever find it in herself to fully commit to the MR. Which makes me wonder if she ever really was at all. I know she wanted a kid/kids. And that may have been why we ended up together late in our 20s and eventually having our daughter.
She had a messed up childhood, and then her mom made a terrible decision that led to the collapse of their once close relationship. My W may not ever be able to get past any of that. And she doesn't like to discuss any of it with anyone, including me and therapists.
So maybe I should just move on, and forget about it. I think my initial reaction to BD was more a fear of rejection than really being opposed to D. I have thought about D many times over the course of the last 19 years. So maybe that is my answer?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I can sense your frustrations and I am sorry that youre having a rough day. Frankly, I didnt want to post to you before, because you sounded so confident of everything being 'on the upswing' like the crisis was over. I continued to sense some trouble bubbling under the surface, but you seemed on a good path. In any case....
Originally Posted By: Steve85
Suspected OM2 came up again this morning, this time I brought him up.
I dont really understand why it is OK that she continue talking to this guy at all. Like why is that not more of an issue for you? If it were me and my wife were getting pictures of some other guy's d!ck, I would not stand for any continued communication. If she wants to be in the marriage, then fine, commit to it and work as you guys were. If she doesnt, then it's time to do other things. But you are talking about making a HUGE investment into a house....if she isnt willing to cut a guy with clearly ZERO boundaries from her life, then what does that tell you?
Heres the thing...none of the above matters right now, because she hasnt actually COMMITTED to anything. She started flirting with you and having sex again with you, and so you seem to be taking that as a sign that she is back "in". But has anything about the relationship actually been addressed and resolved? To me, it feels like a ploy to get a nicer house or to keep staying home and singing...or whatever.
You talk about being 'too far in' to buying a house? I call baloney on that. There is nothing wrong with saying "I dont feel like our marriage is on stable ground right now, so Im not comfortable investing in a new house right now." Saying that theres no turning back indicates to me that you think that it will help 'solve' something.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
When I asked her what her and he were getting out of this she couldn't answer. But to me that is profound. Why would a guy continue to be in contact with a woman unless he was getting something out of that contact? She claims she has lectured him about his partying and dope smoking (he is 42, come on grow up already). And that she shuts him down when he starts talking about the sexual things he and his girlfriend do.
This is a cheeseless tunnel for sure.
But it feels good. Im sure she likes having a no consequence friend she can dump all of her stuff on and feel good about being 'needed' by him. Im sure the attention feels good too.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
On top of all this, my D14 has been extremely rude and disrespectful to me the last few days. I am not sure what is up with that but she got herself grounded for 2 weeks yesterday for raising her voice unnecessarily, and then acting out disrespectfully at Bible study last night. I am at my wit's end with her right now.
Maybe now is a good time to stop focusing so hard on W and start paying a little more attention to your daughter?
