So I spent the day, after church, BBQing ribs and watching the Masters with the W. She put virtually nothing into the meal, much like the relationship at least the last few years. Just like BFFs.
Maybe one day she'll remember and miss these ribs.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So in this neverending journey of discovery, both self and otherwise, I have run up on the idea that "loneliness is a symptom of unresolved childhood issues".
I have personally heard from my W as well as others here that WAS that they feel lonely within their M/R. Usually, it is exaggerated for dramatic effect, like "I have never been so lonely as I am in this relationship."
Just wondering if this is something that needs to be addressed for proper recon?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Loneliness is more of a symptom than a cause. Rooted in the unhappiness they feel in the MR. I've never heard a spouse, regardless of their childhood, saying hey are "lonely" with in a happy, healthy MR. So no, I don't think it has to be addressed, I think it is naturally alleviated as the R unfolds.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Loneliness is more of a symptom than a cause. Rooted in the unhappiness they feel in the MR. I've never heard a spouse, regardless of their childhood, saying hey are "lonely" within a happy, healthy MR. So no, I don't think it has to be addressed, I think it is naturally alleviated as the R unfolds.
The unhappiness they feel in the MR is more a symptom than a cause. IMO As long there is no abuse, each partner is responsible for much of their own happiness.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Loneliness is more of a symptom than a cause. Rooted in the unhappiness they feel in the MR. I've never heard a spouse, regardless of their childhood, saying hey are "lonely" within a happy, healthy MR. So no, I don't think it has to be addressed, I think it is naturally alleviated as the R unfolds.
The unhappiness they feel in the MR is more a symptom than a cause. IMO As long there is no abuse, each partner is responsible for much of their own happiness.
True. I meant the unhappiness is the cause of the loneliness. But yes, you are right, however most spouses aren't differentiated (look up differentiation) enough to realize they are responsible for their own happiness. All the WAS/WW knows is that she is unhappy, and therefore it must be her H's fault. It usually isn't until years later when they are unhappy with a new H that they start to realize it might be something more.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I've read that abandonment in adults is the result of self-abandonment. This makes sense to me. We then look for someone to fix this scenario. When the solution is often not near the problem.
You are right about self-differentiation. To the WAS/WW there is no differentiation. All the unhappiness is because of the LBS. Lose the LBS and it all goes away. Yea, right. (sarcastic)
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
The weight of my problems has really pressed down on me the last 20 or so hours. Depression leads to insomnia. Insomnia leads to depression.
Modern teaching says acknowledge your feelings. Modern teaching says to focus on the good and pick yourself up. I guess it is possible to do both, but it is exhausting.
We often give better advice than we practice. I know I often do. No, I don't have any confessions today.
Is this looming deadline the cause of my distress or just my excuse?
Much of the time I feel comfortable with her moving out. I have rationalized that much of her problems are just that, her problems. I expect that regardless of what happens, she will realize this and try to return. Perhaps I'll be here for her.
I oscillate with the idea of having a pragmatic meeting regarding her plans. Mentally and emotionally preparing myself to respond and not react, regardless of what she says. There are many practical and financial factors at play.
Then I decide that I should not. A couple of days later it starts again.
I'm not a wishy-washy man and this oscillation is not my typical MO. I don't like it.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
RR17, I feel you brother. I too am not wishy-washy at all. But I oscillated bad especially in the beginning. It was about 2 month in that I started to stabilize, but I still (as evidenced in this thread) will have a bad thought. I think it is part of the process. I think that when a spouse breaks trust, it is difficult to get past that completely for a longtime. I feel like I've differentiated a lot especially in the last month or so. Yet unexpectedly I'll get that dreaded feeling wondering if she is doing something I don't know about. It can be maddening. Luckily it is fewer and farther between and has a shorter duration when it does happen.
Hang in there man. I have no advice, and I am not even sure that my advice is that good when I give it. But what I can offer is support. That there are those of us out here that can relate, and that are rooting for you, and that can see the value in you as a H, father, and person!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
FWIW, I believe that until proper recon has been executed that haunting suspicions will never go away. Make them do the work or you will be back.
Yea episodes will get further between but they will sneak up on you and I'm not sure that unexpectedly is not worse that more often. Frequent suspicions keep your guard up
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So tempted to try to initiate sex. Both for my own needs as well as, I recognize it as a temp-take. Both in would she agree and how it would transpire.
Because I recognize this temp-take, I will not.
I guess that's progress. IDK
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
