Took my lunch hour today to try to sort through things in my head. I am fluctuating between going home and telling her I want D, to getting back up on the horse and trying again. I just don't see how much longer I can continue this. She is still not fully vested in this MR, and as AS pointed out R cannot truly occur until she is.
She is cake eating and living it up. In the meantime I have to wonder what she is doing and who she is doing it with. Admittedly I am in a much better place here than just a month ago. Today I haven't really thought about any of that, and when I have apathy has set in. Any emotion towards it is more sadness that she allowed us to get to the point where I can't trust her anymore.
In my non-MR relationships if you violate my trust you get kicked to the curb. I don't tolerate it in my friendships and in my family relationships. So why should I tolerate it in my MR? Should I? If that is a standard I have for myself and others, why should I not hold to that standard with my W?
I am starting to wonder if she'll ever find it in herself to fully commit to the MR. Which makes me wonder if she ever really was at all. I know she wanted a kid/kids. And that may have been why we ended up together late in our 20s and eventually having our daughter.
She had a messed up childhood, and then her mom made a terrible decision that led to the collapse of their once close relationship. My W may not ever be able to get past any of that. And she doesn't like to discuss any of it with anyone, including me and therapists.
So maybe I should just move on, and forget about it. I think my initial reaction to BD was more a fear of rejection than really being opposed to D. I have thought about D many times over the course of the last 19 years. So maybe that is my answer?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Amoafwl, thanks for the response in my last thread.
However, I thought the DBing way was to back off and let her have room to "be herself". Obviously if she was fully committed to making the MR, which she appears to be moving towards, then I would have to set the boundary of cutting off contact with this idiot. You are right, I think she likes the attention. He 8 years her junior and attention from younger men was what she was craving as she was approaching 50. It may her feel younger and wanted. Now I think she just sees him as a friend, but I will not be comfortable with that if we move into full R.
On the house, I really meant that pulling the plug would make me look like a jerk, not that it can't be done. Right now, when she isn't on the singing app, she is on Zillow house hunting. Maybe I am afraid of removing that and having her fill that time with other activities? Might be some truth to that. But truth be told I have wanted a new house for several years, with more land. And financially we are ready to do that.
But yes, you are right, she is not fully committed yet. Though as I said she told the MC that she was leaning much more towards staying in the MR than D. Of course, my behavior this morning probably didn't help in that regard.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just reread sandi's rules. I will be going whole hog in with these again starting tonight. Wish me luck. If you pray please remember me in your prayers. (No need to "think" about me, that does nothing.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, we all have setbacks and make mistakes while going through this. I just keep reminding myself that I can't change the past, but I can learn from it. You didn't lose everything you've worked for in one morning, but you can learn from it and do better. Good luck!
Married: 9, Together: 16 Me:33, W:34, D:6, S:3 BD: 1/1/18 EA confirmed: 2/7/18 I moved out 6/1/18
Steve...in my opinion you need to decide what your boundaries are and what your willing to enforce.
I would just take a deep breathe, calm yourself and don't go blitzkrieg when you get home making emotional decisions.
Two days ago your making long posts about piecing, your W moving over to the middle of the bed and your success story of what got you to this point and how you were detached. Now your going b@lls to the wall to do what?
Calm ,steady, non-emotional...what are you willing to accept and not accept? What are your personal boundaries?
However, I thought the DBing way was to back off and let her have room to "be herself". Obviously if she was fully committed to making the MR, which she appears to be moving towards, then I would have to set the boundary of cutting off contact with this idiot.
I would advise to reread the boundary thread(s). It isnt about a boundary of controlling her behavior...its about what you will allow in a relationship with you. If it were me, I wouldnt be OK with my partner continuing to converse with someone across those lines. Not to say that she couldnt, but that I would not continue that relationship.
You are right, I think she likes the attention. He 8 years her junior and attention from younger men was what she was craving as she was approaching 50. It may her feel younger and wanted. Now I think she just sees him as a friend, but I will not be comfortable with that if we move into full R.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
On the house, I really meant that pulling the plug would make me look like a jerk, not that it can't be done.
So her actions dont have any consequences? Why would you go forward with this huge investment KNOWING that your marriage is on shaky ground? Would you go into business with someone on premises like that?
Originally Posted By: Steve85
But yes, you are right, she is not fully committed yet. Though as I said she told the MC that she was leaning much more towards staying in the MR than D. Of course, my behavior this morning probably didn't help in that regard.
That makes sense...anything to get you to bend and twirl at her whim. She isnt committed, but rather just leaning on it...depending on how you behave? Maybe shell stick around if it suits her....like getting a new house!
Why is it such a given that you will stay in this M? What does she have to do that you would back away? Because shes still communicating with someone that has sent explicit photos with and you still want to move forward with buying a house with her...Where is your boundary? What will you accept in a wife?
So last night I went home, and reemployed Sandi's rules. I was upbeat, friendly, but did not start conversation. As before with sandi's rules, she detected it right away and asked if I was still upset. I said "No, not at all." I validated her when she spoke, I did everything according to sandi's rules.
Getting away from those rules is what hurt me to begin with, so I will now make sure I am visiting the list often to make sure I am sticking to them.
Thanks for responses and advice. I will be more cautious not to get my expectations up in the future.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
