S - Yes it is normal, you will cycle but I don't think you are ready to get a D. You are still too focused on your W and what she is doing and what crumbs she is throwing your way. It's ok you are very early on and it is normal.
How long you stay in limbo is your personal choice but at some point in time you have to start to value yourself more than the desire to recon your MR. It appears that your W is still chatting with OM or as she would put it his "bestie" does that violate and of your personal boundaries? I am not saying it should or shouldn't but just know that if you chose to continue as is, it is going to be a very long, painful process because you are essentially hoping she will come around and pick you.
If your W knows that you know she is continuing to talk to OM and you just accept it and don't do anything about it I am not sure you are going to earn her respect. As you know women need to respect before they can love.
As LH told me things need to get worse before they get better. I would just suggest you start to think about what you are willing to accept or not accept and what your personal boundaries are. I know it is scary we have all been there as we lose control of everything that was important to us.
Just think about how you would respond from a position of strength vs just waiting around for her to dictate every move.
You seem like a good man Steve......hang in there!
Thanks Nicole. Its a weird feeling. It didn't come on suddenly, but it did sneak up on me. I had inklings of that feeling but it really came oon strong in the lastv few days.
Joseph, thanks. Its weird. Maybe it appears I'm focused on her from my posting but I've hit a point of ambivalence. Its approaching apathy. I really don't care what shes doing anymore.
I am at the point where I don't want to be married to someone that I'm worried about. And that realization has really freed me from even caring what's she's doing.
I don't even think about snooping on her phone or PC anymore. It just doesn't feel like it matters anymore.
I agree I don't think I'm ready yet. But I wouldn't care if she pushed for it either.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If your ok just letting her do whatever she wants then you really, really have to let her go emotionally. Based on your posting about the other morning and your reaction I don't think you are there yet. Just my observation.
I snooped when my W first moved out and then I stopped. As time went on I no longer felt the urge however I knew I wasn't detached because their were times when she would say something to me and it impacted me emotionally and I felt that sensation in my stomach.
As time goes on you your path will become more clear. I was lucky in many respects that my W moved out 3 weeks after BD so I didn't have to see her or talk to her every day which helped me move forward. As you grow stronger and become more confident what you are willing to accept and not accept will change. It might be hard to see now but it will. Once you get to that point you will have some choices to make.
I don't think your W is going to push for it, just my opinion. In my opinion what happens next will be determined by you, your boundaries, what your willing to accept and how long you will accept it for. I think your W is perfectly happy with the situation and how it is.
I also found it interesting at your MC session that you spoke about what you needed change and there was nothing at all about your W's behavior and the work she needed to do. We only know what you post though so maybe you just left that out
When the LBS is able to take the rose-tinted glasses off and look back at the MR with objectivity, they realize that their partners failed them spectacularly as well and that the fate of the MR is not the sole fault of the LBS.
This can bring up a lot of emotions, and one of them being not wanting to be with that person and wanting a D. As others have said, this is part of the cycle of emotions as soon as the LBS starts finding the ground underneath their feet.
Don't make any rash decisions at this point. You need to give yourself months before you are truly able to take emotion out of the decision.
However, at the point where you are right now, use what you're feeling and translate that into dropping the rope, focusing on your wellbeing, GAL, and not thinking about her. Detachment is layered and you will peel off the layers over time, but it requires consistent work on yourself. Just focus on that.
You will reach clarity about what you want to do about standing for your MR or divorce in time. Don't rush it. You have time - lots of it and exercise patience.
I also found it interesting at your MC session that you spoke about what you needed change and there was nothing at all about your W's behavior and the work she needed to do. We only know what you post though so maybe you just left that out
Well there have been MC sessions that focused on her and what she needed to do. I'm fact it was after such a session that she uninstalled the singing app and game appps admitting that she couldn't "handle"them. Meaning that when guys when flirt with her she would reciprocate.
She did reinstall the singing app after a few days with a promise to herself to avoid that social aspect of the app. I haven't cared enough to see if she's messaging inappropriately on it since. Like I said that desire to snoop just isn't there anymore. I'm I completely detached? No. But I'm much closer than I was a month ago. As you said, multilayered.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Very good weekend with the W. Things are continuing to show improvement and her behavior continues to be so much better than it was 2 months ago. Multiple times this weekend she handed me her phone unlocked so I could look through pictures she was showing to me, and other things she wanted me to see (a list of houses). 2 months ago no way would she have done this. She's also much more active at church again than she was 2 months ago.
I did bring up the passionate kissing things. I know I shouldn't have, but its been weighing on my mind we were laying in bed snuggled up, and I said "Are we ever going to be able to kiss passionately again?" And she said "I hope so". It hurt to hear her acknowledge that we still aren't there yet, but at the same time it was good to hear because it shows we still have a way to go. This helps keep me from getting too grounded and lax.
Looked at 4 more houses. Found an awesome house on a lake. This one would be much more of a stretch financially (mainly due to the taxes), but it was an incredible house. I still want the log house on the acreage but there are some things that need to be considered (distance to my daughter's school and to our church).
Other than that we had a good time with the running around we did as a family. D's behavior has been better too mainly because she got herself grounded and was working to try to get to friend's birthday party that she really wanted to attend on Saturday night. She didn't get to because she is grounded, but it was nice to see her putting in an effort.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think my head is spinning from how fast you seem to go back and forth. A few days ago, you were writing epic posts on your successes. Then Friday you were contemplating your apathy and desire for divorce. And now here you are feeling great again.
I wonder how you can try to slow down and just kinda 'be' for a little while. These swings are going to exhaust you.
I think my head is spinning from how fast you seem to go back and forth. A few days ago, you were writing epic posts on your successes. Then Friday you were contemplating your apathy and desire for divorce. And now here you are feeling great again.
I wonder how you can try to slow down and just kinda 'be' for a little while. These swings are going to exhaust you.
Agree 100%. I do think she can sense the change in my attachment though and that causes her to want to bring me back in tight. Whether that is for real or just to manipulate and control only time will tell. What I can tell you is that I'm 75% of the time fine with whatever happens, 15-20% of the time ready to push things forward including towards D of need be. And only 5-10% of the time worried thatI might lose her. And that last % continues to fall over time.
As for GAL, i continue to hang out with friends. I'm working out but work often interferes with that. And I'm busy a lot. Some includes her (church events, D14 events, house viewings), some do not (shooting range, hanging with friends, working out, after work activities). But I rarely have down time. And I'm really in a good place emotionally the majority of the time.
One thing I've also done the last 5 days is haven't been calling or texting her first. I let her reach out first. Amazingly when I do that, the frequency of her initiated contact is goes up dramatically.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, WTH are you doing? Looking at Lake Homes, really?
Putting out the fire with gasoline?
Slow down buddy, pull back. Dec 23 2017 wasn't that long ago.
Hey, I'm a real estate guy and I can tell you that this will complicate and real progress. We all want it to feel better but it has to have proper reconciliation or you will be back here in a few years. Trust me on this one.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
