Do not make any decisions on analysis on how things are going for at least 2 weeks - try that for size.
Just be and GAL and do your thing. Let her go and be.
You are all over the map and trying to major life decisions re: Home purchase.
Give yourself at least six-eight months from BD and the reassess things. She has to be absolutely committed to the MR and none of this meek or halfway s#%t will matter.
Has she done a complete 180 and her actions, words, and attitude line up together? And is that happening consistently? Has she shown true humility and remorse?
Until the answers to those questions are unquestionably yes, just stop and get some grounding.
I've seen you give advice to a lot of people here, but are you taking any of that yourself? Slow it down.
One other thing, she is tracking me like a hawk on Life 360 suddenly! LOL We have it mainly to track our D, but I'll get home from some where and say "oh I swung by such-and-such to pick this item up" and she'll say "Yeah I saw you were over by there."
Prior to BD and for 2 months ever she never looked up where I as at.
RR17, thanks for the perspective. However, my sitch is such that a new place will be bought and paid for by me and me only, and only in my name. I won't buy a place that I wouldn't want to live in by myself post D.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Has she done a complete 180 and her actions, words, and attitude line up together? And is that happening consistently? Has she shown true humility and remorse?
Thanks for the advice. Let me answer your questions:
Has she done a complete 180 and her actions, words, and attitude line up together?
Yes. But then again I'm weeks into not snooping and spying so she could just be acting and talking a good game. At this point I don't care. If she is still engaging in online EA activity there is nothing I can do about it. She is saying she no longer wants a D, and she is actively working on the MR (MCing, doing the reading and participating in the exercises).
And is that happening consistently?
Yes. The last 4-6 weeks she's been extremely consistent. Could still just be manipulative, but again I am not snooping or spying so at face-value it looks as if she has 180'd and is committed to it.
Has she shown true humility and remorse? Yes she is showing humility. Especially in the use of her devices and giving me access to them. She has completely 180'd on that. Again, maybe she has gone stealth and has gotten better at hiding things. Nothing I can do about that. Remorse? Not so much. I've stated before that the two things that still bother me is she's never expressed sorrow for her actions, and she still can't passionately kiss me. But that is where I like the advice to slow down. If 3 1/2 months ago you'd have told me we'd be where we are now, if you told me 2 months ago we'd be where we are now, I would never have believed it. If it takes longer for her to be remorseful and longer before we can have the same level intimacy we had years ago, so be it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
RR17, thanks for the perspective. However, my sitch is such that a new place will be bought and paid for by me and me only, and only in my name. I won't buy a place that I wouldn't want to live in by myself post D.
Fine and dandy, but unless I misunderstand, you are looking together, no? Don't you think this has some bearing on her words and actions? As long as this pole and carrot are dangled out there you won't get an honest idea of what you are dealing with.
Listen to Maika. Head your own advice and listen to others.
I remember fooling myself into thinking my sitch is not like these others. I want this over quick and I can do this. Time is not the penalty of an uncommitted or unskilled DBer. It is just part of the equation.
Good change doesn't come fast and fast change isn't any good.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I meant my financial situation. She doesn't work, and I make good money. I didn't mean my sitch with a WW was different. Though I think I caught it earlier than most LBHs.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am sorry Steve, but it's just not been long enough for a proper turn around and consistent commitment. What are you guys doing in MC?
What are your non-negotiables for the MR to work? Have you put that out in MC?
As RR also said, you have time on your side. Jumping in too fast just kicks the next BD down the road.
Are you in some way trying to buy this new house to keep her around longer? To show that you can provide a lifestyle and so she will change her mind and stay? Maybe you're not overtly doing it with those reasons, but at a subtle level, is this house purchase about her? Think on it.
I don't buy your yes answers to my questions because I have not seen a single sitch turn around that fast. And yours is not exceptional.
Proceed with caution and skepticism. Cannot say enough - you have time. Slow it down.
I do think she can sense the change in my attachment though
Is there a change? To me, it sounds like your mood and opinion and feeling is kind of based on her actions and how she is treating you. So where is the change in your detachment level?
Originally Posted By: Steve85
What I can tell you is that I'm 75% of the time fine with whatever happens, 15-20% of the time ready to push things forward including towards D of need be. And only 5-10% of the time worried thatI might lose her.
Man, would I not want to make a huge financial commitment with my relationship in this state.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
As for GAL, i continue to hang out with friends. I'm working out but work often interferes with that. And I'm busy a lot. Some includes her (church events, D14 events, house viewings), some do not (shooting range, hanging with friends, working out, after work activities). But I rarely have down time. And I'm really in a good place emotionally the majority of the time.
What new things are you doing? I seem to recall a lot of that was things that you 'used to do' that you are maybe ramping back up. Im interested in what kinds of new developments you are doing.
I do believe even if you put the house solely in your name, since it is acquired during marriage, it becomes a marital asset. I really do hope you have talked to a lawyer about this.
Amoafwl is right. You aren't detached. Your mood and stance changes with the things she does.
I think we all have the same advice. Just be for a little while.
Thanks everyone. Appreciate the perspectives and concern. I'll be alright no matter what. So even if it all blows up, I'm good with it! I really am in a much better emotional state than I used to be, last Thursday morning not withstanding. Again, those moments are by far the exception, not the rule anymore.
I sleep like a rock, my appetite is back to where it was. I rarely even think about the MR when out with my friends, or away from her. Even firing on all cylinders at work again!
So yes, 3 1/2 months is fast in DBing circles, but things are so much better. I am still 180ing. I am still GAL. I am still striving to be the spouse only a fool would leave.
Is this real? Time will tell. I am not all back in (as my "I am thinking about Ding her anyway" moment suggested)!
One day at a time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
