Hang in there RR. Yes it is a bad idea to initiate. From what I have read it does two things, both bad:
1) It comes across as desperate which is very unattractive. The WAS is not attracted to the LBS at this time and this just heightens it.
2) If you are making progress with your WAS, initiating (similar to saying "I love you" to them) reminds them that they aren't attracted to you. This can setback some of the progress you have made.
I know we are guys and we have needs but you definitely don't want to do something that will push her away.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Differentiation Of Self The first concept is Differentiation of Self, or the ability to separate feelings and thoughts. Undifferentiated people can not separate feelings and thoughts; when asked to think, they are flooded with feelings, and have difficulty thinking logically and basing their responses on that. Further, they have difficulty separating their own from other's feelings; they look to family to define how they think about issues, feel about people, and interpret their experiences.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Differentiation Of Self The first concept is Differentiation of Self, or the ability to separate feelings and thoughts. Undifferentiated people can not separate feelings and thoughts; when asked to think, they are flooded with feelings, and have difficulty thinking logically and basing their responses on that. Further, they have difficulty separating their own from other's feelings; they look to family to define how they think about issues, feel about people, and interpret their experiences.
YES! Very good. Differentiation is extremely important in MRs. I did not realize this before all of this occurred with my wife and I. I now realize that if I was properly differentiated on BD, things probably would have gone a whole lot differently.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I had been looking for a way to Respond and not React to my W. I had also been looking to become more mentally strong in regards to my sitch.
I stumbled on to this concept and it made sense. I think it is a subject that needs to be expanded in DB. Much of the rules are already supporting the concept.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So my current state is one of a holding pattern. W and I get along peachy. Like Bffs and who wouldn't with her yacking about her day and my validating without requiring much attention of my own. Still have no idea if there is current OM and most of the time I doubt it. Last EA she started exercising and buying new clothes ect., in anticipation of a physical meetup. I don't see that this time.
Those that have followed my sitch may have noticed that occasionally I get a suspicion and it sends me to a dark place. But most of the time I logically don't see the signs I noticed last time. Not at the current time.
So as I hold and wait to see if she follows through on her expressed plan to move out as school lets out. No, I don't get any updates on this nor do I initiate R discussions, so how would I as W never communicates her intentions. (I should just know).
I read other sitchs on here and one thing that sticks out from the seasoned sages is the idea that WAS/WW take measures to keep LBS in check.
Now I would never have thought my W would be capable of such a dubious measure. She in my experience has never been able to act in a way contrary to her feelings. An undifferentiated self if you will.
Is this part of the spell or fog or paradigm shift that is typical of these Ss? Please shed some light on the subject.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Is it just me or is it the more physiological and relationship stuff I read the more I find fault in my W and our R? Not to say I don't discover my own issues. That's not the point.
Perhaps it's a part Detaching. Either way, I see stuff that led to problems that I intend to avoid in the future both in myself and in a mate whether it is this relationship or the next.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I think the worst part of this holding pattern is looking for meaning in the slightest nuances. Most are probably meaningless but once I became woke to Ws state it's easy to look back at the signs that I dismissed before discovery.
Hypervigilance is not easily ignored. Yes, I can control what I do with suspicions, but I can't ignore the suspicion.
Some days are easier than others. Not doing something to directly affect it is maddening.
I lost my last living parent last November and I spend more time pondering this sitch than I do thinking about him.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So tonight I come home and W and daughter are talking in her room. She yaks on and on about her tennis game. I listen and confirm.
Finally, she asks about an office function that I attended. I told how a W of a coworker asked about how she should invest a sizable amount of money. She then says "Why would she ask you?" there in front of my daughter.
This hurt.
I texted how I felt once she went to the room where she sleeps.
She apologized and said she had a problem with me and money. This is the first I've heard of this.
She said it like this somehow justified her actions. I told that really hurts.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
RR17 its hard but you have to ignore that kind of thing. She didn't say it to make you feel good. You reacting just shows her she still has power over you.
Please continue to read up on differentiation. You need to work on detaching.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
