25, yes I'm still trying to temper my enthusiasm to positives. And not get down if/when negativity arises. She's been trying not to be negative. In fact, she's even started showing regret about some things that have occurred since BD.
Still waiting/looking for that one moment/ event where she shows remorse for everything, but she's an advoider by nature so that will be difficult in coming.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, things actually sound like they are going quite well. I hate to beat a dead horse but as the others have said, take a deep breath and settle in for the long haul. BD seemingly comes out of nowhere for most of us, but for our WAS it was the final, desperate culmination of a long period of misery and crushed hopes and dreams for something better. Reconciling from that likewise is not a quick process, it takes a lot of time and hard work. Sometimes it'll seem pretty bleak but that's part of it.
Michele says in one of her books to "celebrate the 5%" (I hope I have that percentage right, but the idea is the same regardless). What does that mean? Your WAS may be angry, bitter and a general pain in the butt 95% of the time. But 5% of the time she may be awesome. So you celebrate the 5%, tell her what a great job she's doing and how much you appreciate it. Reinforce the positives and play down the negatives.
My GF and I have been together 3 years and she almost BD'd me because little did I know that what I thought was constructive criticism on my part to her seemed like constant complaining about her. In my pre-DB days I would have argued with her that I was just trying to be helpful, but thanks to DBing I now understand that her PERCEPTION is all that matters to her, not my INTENT. So I have to change her perception. I started by listening and validating every single thing she said. And I changed my approach accordingly. Since then I've celebrated the positives and just shrugged off the negatives, and she is telling me she feels much more loved because of it. And now she asks me how she can do better, so in the end we both get what we want but with none of the negative energy of criticism.
Also what is Steve doing for Steve? How's your GAL going? That should never end, recon or not
Thanks AS. I hear what you are saying about BD being a longtime coming. That was true in my case too, though my W was NOT ready to drop the bomb on me. I forced it when I found the beginnings of an online EA. I've mentioned a few times that my sitch feels a little different because I initiated BD, not her. Though she was still the one to drop the bomb ("I don't want to be married anymore.")
As far as me, I am still engagingin GAL. I think I reconnected with an old friend recently, and he and I continue to hang out and do guy things. We are going to the shooting range tomorrow night. I continue to workout though it has been a little tough to be consistent with the schedule I am keeping with work, church, GAL, and then my responsibilities with my daughter.
Thanks for the reminder on the 5%. Over the last almost 4 months now, my wife's percentage has grown to over 90%. She really has turned the corner since late in February. Though I am still keeping a healthy skepticism about it in case it is all a ploy and she is still just waiting for Plan A to come around. But in general, based on our MC sessions, the work she is putting in, and our interactions being 95% positive I think we are at least headed toward R at the moment.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No real news to report. Last night her and I both did some housework, something she seems to be reengaging in after really not being very interested in keeping a house. She did a lot of laundry, I did some sweeping and vacuuming. She gathered garbage and I took the bags out to the road. All in all it was a fun productive evening. We joked and flirted throughout the night.
I should note that she has gained some weight back, something I couldn't give two cares about. But she keeps mentioning it and isn't happy about it. I am being supportive in a complimentary way. "Don't worry about it, you look great." "Stop being so hard on yourself, you aren't fat." Etc. Always after she makes a derogatory comment about herself.
We continue to do the exercises that the MC suggested. We pray together every night. We kiss, but they are pecks. And we continue to snuggle in bed before going to sleep and after waking up in the morning. The MC mentioned in our last session that she is going to have us read another book. I am interested to see what that is (we'll find out on Tuesday).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
MC last night. C really concentrated on me and trying to get to the root of my deeply embedded "my way is right and anyone that doesn't differently is wrong" thinking.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
I am being supportive in a complimentary way. "Don't worry about it, you look great." "Stop being so hard on yourself, you aren't fat." Etc. Always after she makes a derogatory comment about herself.
Not saying that you should agree with her when she says those things. But this second quote sounded extremely invalidating to me. How is this portraying 'more of the same'?
Yes socks. Not a cat names Socks. Just the cloth items you put over your feet.
My wife is notoriously hard on socks. She can get a dozen pairs and have them worn out in just a few months. She also hates to shop so she'll either wear the worn socks, or start sneaking into my drawer and wearing mine.
Early in our marriage, I would harp on her about wearing my socks. I am an above average sized human male. She is about an average sized human female. Her heal would fall about to the middle of the sole of my socks, causing a hump in my socks after she'd warn them a while that would then bunch up in my shoe.
Further, she is also notoriously hard on socks (did I already mention that?!) and she would start wearing out my socks in a few months as well.
I would harp on her to either go buy socks, something she deplored doing. And to stop wearing my socks! I logically explained to her that her wearing my socks caused the problems I mentioned above.
Now, being an ignorant alpha male, and knowing very little about psyche of women, I had no idea how much this harping on socks deeply wounded my wife. It made her feel like she was less important to her than my socks! It also made her feel less connected to me since if I couldn't share my socks with her, then how could I share even bigger, more important things with her?
My epiphany came after BD. Shortly after BD she was at a state where she had very few wearable socks. Having realized the dynamic in the paragraph above this one, especially the part about my being an ignorant alpha male, I gladly offered to let her wear my socks! I cannot overstate the impact this had on her.
Her initial reaction was "No, you hate when I wear your socks. You know, I make a heal hump in the middle of them, and wear them out too quickly." I insisted that instead of her wearing holey socks, or going without, that she wear mine. In the meantime, I went onto Amazon and ordered her enough socks to last her a whole year! (Which was about 3 dozen pairs!)
The moral of this story is that sometimes something as simple as socks can make all the difference in a marriage. If I had realized how much more connected, taken care of, and honored she felt by my willingness to let her wear my socks in a pinch, and too buy her what she needed without being asked, I would have done it a longtime ago.
So I encourage those of you that are bad situations in your marriage and posting (or just reading) this board to find out what the "socks" in your marriage is, and to find a way to make your spouse feel honored, taken care of, and therefore, more connected to you using those "socks". And for Pete's sake, do not let something as simple as socks ruin your marriage!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Believe me it's a constant challenge as it's been 10 years now but all in all we just about get along as she is extremely demanding but I will always bend over backwards for her as it's thee right thing to do
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
