I am WFH today, wife came in to talk to me about butter. Our favorite brand (Kerrygold) apparently changed their packaging and it was confusing her (they made the chunks thinner but longer and wider). I forgot I had the board up on my screen.
She leaned over and I said "What are you doing?" She said, playfully: "Just looking!" I couldn't do too much or risk being suspicous. She said: "Dazed and Confused? Okay I got to go!" (She hates that movie.)
LOL
Whew, that was close.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Our favorite brand (Kerrygold) apparently changed their packaging and it was confusing her (they made the chunks thinner but longer and wider).
Steve85,
KerryGold used to have the half pound brick and the half pound tub. Within the past couple of years, they added the quarter pound sticks (two per pack). You can still get the half pound brick.
Our favorite brand (Kerrygold) apparently changed their packaging and it was confusing her (they made the chunks thinner but longer and wider).
Steve85,
KerryGold used to have the half pound brick and the half pound tub. Within the past couple of years, they added the quarter pound sticks (two per pack). You can still get the half pound brick.
Yep these are the 1/2 lb bricks, but the new ones aren't as thick, they are longer and wider. Same weight though. SHe didn't notice that they were thinner, just that they were wider and longer.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Confusion over butter bricks and sticks led to the demise of my marriage. And, one time, I accidentally got frozen yogurt instead of regular ice cream. That was the final straw.
I should note that she has gained some weight back, something I couldn't give two cares about. But she keeps mentioning it and isn't happy about it. I am being supportive in a complimentary way. "Don't worry about it, you look great." "Stop being so hard on yourself, you aren't fat." Etc. Always after she makes a derogatory comment about herself.
Validation fail! You think you are doing the right thing but you are not, as Amoafwl said you are invalidating her feelings. Here is what is important- SHE FEELS BAD ABOUT HOW SHE LOOKS. What is her FEELING in that statement? BAD. And your response is that she is wrong. Her feelings are WRONG. I am emphasizing this to get the point across. Validation is all about understanding what she is feeling and offering her SUPPORT for those feelings. She said she feels fat? Ask her how that makes her feel. She says she feels sad that she can't lose weight, you say "I'm sorry you're feeling sad, is there anything I can do to help?" Validation is not agreeing/ disagreeing/ negotiating/ explaining/ etc. It is simply acknowledging feelings.
I am not saying not to compliment her, you should be all means. But when she is expressing feelings/ emotions, don't ever tell her "it's nothing" or "don't worry about it" or "stop being hard on yourself" because none of those are supporting/ validating statements.
I think we talked about Retrouvaille a while back? Did you check into it? That program will supercharge your validation skills.
I should note that she has gained some weight back, something I couldn't give two cares about. But she keeps mentioning it and isn't happy about it. I am being supportive in a complimentary way. "Don't worry about it, you look great." "Stop being so hard on yourself, you aren't fat." Etc. Always after she makes a derogatory comment about herself.
Validation fail! You think you are doing the right thing but you are not, as Amoafwl said you are invalidating her feelings. Here is what is important- SHE FEELS BAD ABOUT HOW SHE LOOKS. What is her FEELING in that statement? BAD. And your response is that she is wrong. Her feelings are WRONG. I am emphasizing this to get the point across. Validation is all about understanding what she is feeling and offering her SUPPORT for those feelings. She said she feels fat? Ask her how that makes her feel. She says she feels sad that she can't lose weight, you say "I'm sorry you're feeling sad, is there anything I can do to help?" Validation is not agreeing/ disagreeing/ negotiating/ explaining/ etc. It is simply acknowledging feelings.
I am not saying not to compliment her, you should be all means. But when she is expressing feelings/ emotions, don't ever tell her "it's nothing" or "don't worry about it" or "stop being hard on yourself" because none of those are supporting/ validating statements.
I think we talked about Retrouvaille a while back? Did you check into it? That program will supercharge your validation skills.
Thanks I will work on this. And check into Retrouvaille again. I did look it up a while back. I guess I feel that when it comes to weight (and she certainly is NOT fat) it is always a tough line to toe with women. Is she calling herself fat so that I will rush in and defend how she looks? Or is he really expressing how she feels? When it comes to that topic it is all so tricky.
I have done a fairly good job of validating her feelings in other areas, but when she gets onto weight validating feels to me like agreeing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just a quick update. A few weeks ago I started this habit where I get ready for work (get my shower, etc), then I get back in bed an have her lay her head on my chest while I run my fingers through her hair (she loves having her hair played with) and stroke her face, and rub her back and arms.
I've never been able to really tell if she likes it or not. I do it because I like to do it, but though she's never objected, she's never initiated it on her own either.
This morning I got ready, then slid back into bed and pulled her over to me. I did all that I mentioned above, and then at the appropriate time I said, "well you should probably should make sure our daughter is up". She slowly got out of bed and went down the hall.
I got up to look out our front window to check on the pump I put out last night. We got a ton of rain over the weekend and have a lake on our property in front of the house. She came back in the room a half minute later and said "why did you go away?!". I chuckled, and went to slide back into bed. She hopped back in bed and snuggled right back up to me.
I see that as a huge step. We still have some issues to work through, like her still not being able to passionately kiss me, and she still struggles with showing affection like she used to (rubbing my back, taking my hand, etc). But the above shows the continued improvement I am seeing as I continue to work to make my changes since BD permanent. I think almost 4 months in she is starting to trust they are real.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, those sound like great signs of improvement. It's commendable you've been able to sustain the changes you've been making and are able to finally see some results.
