So things continue to deteriorate with my daughter.
We got a call on Friday that my daughter had been disruptive in class during independent study. We took her phone, laptop, PS4 away. She had a tablet she had won that we forgot about and was able to stay in contact with her friends. She just got off being grounded for two weeks for talking back an disrespect.
Well today I got notified she'd logged into her Google account from another device. Logged into her account and found some messages that were concerning.
Called my W, she got onto my daughter's snapchat. Pretty much a spew of terrible language on my daughter's part. On top of it she hates my guts. Ever since I started to plug back into the family, she has rebelled against it. She has said multiple times she wants me to go back to the way I was (distant, uninvolved, etc).
I don't know how to fix this. My wife is being great. Just got off the phone with her. I think I am going to have to go home early and deal with it. Also she has been very against getting a new house and a move. Could it be her way of trying to sabotage that?
This is worse than what happened with my W. I don't know what to do to fix this.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W and I are taking a "wait-and-see" approach to this right now. I know this is not a parenting site but any input, especially from a Christian perspective, would be appreciated.
Note: D has no idea of the problems W and I had and the end of last year, earlier this year. All she knows is that starting in late Dec. I started to engage more with the family and 180'd on my isolation that had occurred over the course of the previous 4 years. She has stated she doesn't like the change and wants everything to "go back to the way it was". Not really sure why that is except maybe she is used to having my W all to herself?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, its really hard when they go from Daddy's little girl to this teenage alien hellspawn. I suspect there is a lot going on in her life and she's having trouble sorting things out. She's probably striving for independence, testing the limits of your authority, confused by the changes you've made, concerned for the security of her parents marriage and how it will effect her (this is probably a big one), as well as dealing with changes within her body. Some of this is just normal teenage angst, and pushing limits enroute to adulthood.
Individually, these are big issues, and combined with a troubled marriage, can be overwhelming. You say she has no idea of the problems in your marriage, but I doubt that. She's probably picked up on more than you think. She's watching her world crumble and has no way to cope.
I've had issues with my D16. Not quite the same, but similar. I'm at a loss as well. I don't have any answers, but I'm doing what I can to make her feel safe, loved, give her attention, making sure I spend time with her, giving her what guidance I can, and punishing inappropriate behavior when necessary. We also have her seeing her school counselor once a week, which seems to help a lot. She was resistant to that at first, but now seems fairly eager to go.
I suggest just doing what you can to be a good parent. If she's had a measure of independence, I suspect she will resist you exerting greater control, but she will get used to it. Be consistent.
There was a book I read that helped.... "How to talk so your teens will listen, and how to listen so your teen will talk" or something like that. Parts of it were not terribly useful, but there is some good advice in there.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I came here so many times with parenting questions that related to my divorce. Asking people who have been through it is a good thing, not something to worry about.
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D has no idea of the problems W and I had and the end of last year, earlier this year.
It's possible this is true, but kids are far more observant than you think, and you have a young teenage girl. They pay attention to EVERYTHING, it's a necessary skill for them socially. It's VERY likely that she knows a LOT more than you or your wife think she does.
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All she knows is that starting in late Dec. I started to engage more with the family and 180'd on my isolation that had occurred over the course of the previous 4 years. She has stated she doesn't like the change and wants everything to "go back to the way it was". Not really sure why that is except maybe she is used to having my W all to herself?
Think about it this way: teenagers live in a sea of change. Their bodies are changing. Their friendships are changing. School is different, their interests are different, BOYS are different. That's a HELL of a lot to deal with. Now HOME is changing, too. Mom and dad are having problems, and that's SCARY to a kid (even if you're an adult, watching your parents have martial problems has a huge impact). Now dad is acting different. VERY different. Why?
Maybe she's angry that you weren't acting like this all along and her behavior is showing it. Maybe she's afraid it won't be consistent, and she's testing to see if you'll withdraw if she misbehaves. Maybe she really is jealous that "she doesn't have your W all to herself" anymore. She might not even know the answer.
"Wait and see" probably isn't the best approach. You're in counseling, right? So ask your C for some advice. Maybe your daughter could benefit from some counseling herself. Maybe she needs a safe space, too.
Steve, I agree with Jim that your daughter is going through a transitional period, and around her age is usually the time they push back against their father and bond more with their mother. My two daughters are grown now but I went through it with both of them and it was difficult, confusing and stressful. A book that I found helpful was "Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy!" It goes into the physiological changes that teens go through and how it can lead to erratic, unpredictable, totally out-of-character behavior. The good news is that it usually is just a phase and if dealt with properly will actually improve your relationship.
As a side note, I can't stress enough that "dealing with it properly" is critical. I have a good friend that had a daughter that thought he hung the moon, and he in return would do anything for her. She went through this rebellious stage and he completely shut her out of his life. She is grown now, happily married and has a child. They never did fully repair their relationship. You've got to be firm with her but you have also got to be LOVING. She will fight your love every step of the way while inside being grateful that you never gave up on her.
Thank you EastTN, good advice. We will bring it up in our next counseling session.
AS, thanks, I will check out that book. I played PS4 with her last night (playing video games for me is liking watching paint dry, but it was about her, not me) and she seemed to respond very well to it.
She came home early from school today, some type of stomach virus or food poisoning as apparently she threw up at school. I was hoping to continue are game tonight, we'll see how she is feeling.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She is feeling better. The game I played is Disney Infinity. We like teaming up on the adventures in the game. I had to stop at the grocery store so I picked her up some grape juice (her request) and a bouquet of tiger lillies to try to cheer her up. I am trying. It absolutely crushes me that she is telling her friends that she hates her dad.
Quick update, W and I were up most of the night reading through my daughter's text and social media messages. W is very concerned that sometime within the last 3 year our daughter was molested in some way, even if just by inappropriate touching.
It is a long story as to when and how we suspect this could have occurred, but suffice it to say that we need to get to the bottom of this. We will be bringing it up to our MC on Tuesday to see if she has any suggestions and referrals for a good teen crisis faith-based counselor. We also have some reason to suspect she might be cutting. Since I struggled with that as a teen, to see allusions to this on her phones (memes, etc) is disturbing. Plus she has all of the other markers (long-sleeves even in warm weather), etc.
If you are a person of faith, please, please, please keep us in your prayers.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
