Hello, I'm new here. :)

[Jlh]

(Apparently posting from my ipad causes issues so I'm trying again from my laptop.)

You're right, Rose888. He says he had an emotional affair, and then was weak and failed ME by talking to her again. Then he takes my picture back to his new place while claiming to not love me anymore when he dropped the bomb a few weeks ago. I overanalyze stuff and it's not helping me any to do that.

From now on I think that I will make myself scarce when he comes by every night and weekends all day and be polite when I see him but remain at a distance. No more offering dinner with us, etc. Its about me and my son and if he ever figures out what his conflict is then I will be more than willing to talk to him about it.

[Cadet]

(Apparently posting from my ipad causes issues so I'm trying again from my laptop.)

Yes stick with your laptop

[JRuss]

I think that not much of this is going to be under your control, unfortunately, at least with respect to reconciliation. Obviously, you'll want to work on yourself, get healthy(ier), focus on your child, GAL when possible, and all of that.

But he sounds like he's running away from his life. It's too overwhelming and too hard for him, so he's found himself a crash pad where he can go and indulge his porn addiction, pursue this OW, and, probably most importantly, escape the responsibility and work and tension and stress that real life entails. What you have to do is let him go and let him see that his actions have consequences. No more laundry, no more dinners, nicely tell him to move his things out and, if he dawdles, box them up and have them delivered to him. And put him on a strict(er) visitation schedule so you have notice and can arrange to be elsewhere (assuming he's stable and can be left alone with your child). Consider changing your locks; he's a visitor now, not a tenant.

Right now, he has everything he needs: access to his child, but no real responsibility, and he can hand him off if he gets difficult; laundry and cooking services; a nice place to store all of his things until he needs them; and a spouse who telegraphs that she wants him back, usually without even realizing it (I did this for months and months). Remove these crutches and see what happens. Not in anger, but as you would a perfectly nice roommate who's moved out. He may realize that he doesn't like this new life as much, or he may not. But it will help you begin the detachment process (which is a long, very hard journey), and it may (no guarantees) wake him up.

[AnotherStander]

Hello Jlh, very sorry you are here but we welcome you! First of all, have you read DR and the links Cadet posted? It's a lot of reading, but it will help you to understand the dynamics at work here.

Your H is engaging in MAJOR cake-eating. You know that saying "he wants to have his cake and eat it too"? That's your H. He wants to have his fun little fling with OW while keeping you hanging on the hook as Plan B. He will hang out there, do stuff with you and S, linger, hold onto memories (like that photo), even try to have sex with you, but he will not come back as long as you let it persist because he'll be content to keep a foot in both worlds.


Here is the best thing you can do- stop the cake-eating. Tell him you need your time and space. Tell him you don't want him hanging out at your place, you don't want him pretending to be part of your family when he has chosen not to be, that you do not want him close to you when he is engaging in an affair. Tell him if he changes his mind then you are willing to listen to him and discuss options for working on things, but until then he needs to stay away.

I know that probably sounds difficult and it will no doubt hurt you initially, but believe me, the cake-eating thing is death by a thousand paper cuts. At least this way YOU take the control back from him, YOU control your life, YOU are calling the shots.

[Jlh]

We had plans to take our son to an amusement park together but I'm not sure now if I should cancel them or not. We're going for our son but I'm not really in the mood for his confusing behavior. I'm tempted to tell him that I'd prefer to go with our son alone with a friend and her daughter but the sucker part of me doesn't want to hurt his feelings.

Forgive my being naive and foolish, this is all new to me and I'm still in love with him and just wishing a magic spark would just solve all this overnight even though I know that wont happen.

[AnotherStander]

We had plans to take our son to an amusement park together but I'm not sure now if I should cancel them or not. We're going for our son but I'm not really in the mood for his confusing behavior. I'm tempted to tell him that I'd prefer to go with our son alone with a friend and her daughter but the sucker part of me doesn't want to hurt his feelings.

Well do what you think is best for YOU. Like I said before, cake-eating is death by a thousand paper cuts. It'll just drain the life out of you. His constant presence is a reminder of what you've lost. But if you go with a friend instead, then the pressure is removed and you can enjoy yourself, maybe even smile and laugh a little.

Forgive my being naive and foolish

You are neither! We have all been (or currently are) where you are, none of us ended up here by choice!

this is all new to me and I'm still in love with him and just wishing a magic spark would just solve all this overnight even though I know that wont happen.

Yeah we all come in wanting to know what one thing to do or say to "fix" this. But you're right, it won't happen like that. With time who knows. I will say from my many years here that I think you have a much better than average chance at recon, many WAH's that follow your H's pattern eventually realize they're being fools and want to return. Often their W doesn't want them back by then though.

[Jlh]

This was a HUGE bombdrop on me and not to excuse his behavior but I was not the most supportive wife. I let my own stress over our son's autism put me in an angry depression and I focused on him only for years, living like a roommate with my husband basically.

I don't excuse what he's done but I certainly have my own issues with anger and depression to work on as well. I was a lazy wife, half-assing things and pitying myself. I've been seeing my therapist and I'm feeling good again, not the best right now, mind you, but I eat better, sleep better, go out in the sun and play with my boy and I have more energy and smile a ton more at strangers rather than thinking the world is out to get me.

I'm enjoying working on me, I'm learning and remembering the little things I used to love to do alone again. I'm even going to go see a movie by myself in a few days when the kiddo is back in school.

[Jlh]

This man is impossible. He normally comes over now for an hour or so almost every night to say goodnight to our son after work and then talks to me for a little bit before he sounds melancholy saying he'll "be in touch" or "see me around" not his typical goodbyes at all. The last two weekends he hung out with us on family outings and took our son out this weekend.

This morning he comes over and tells me excitedly all about a show he knew I'd be interested in and I thought about it all day and then ask him later on if he'd want to see the show with me only to have him get kind of quiet and tell me that he can't and thanks me anyway. I just don't get it at all. He seems to want attention from me and then when I try to reach out he pulls back. One night this week, I had stayed in a separate room doing laundry and cleaning and didn't really give him the time of day when he left for the night and he sounded a little confused and sad at the door when he left. I can't handle it right now.

I just don't know what to do, it's so hard to avoid him right now when we have a kid together. Is this all part of that stupid pursue/distance thing I keep reading about or is he just a royal MLC a-hole?

[SteveLW]

Yes. It is classic pursuit distance.

[Jlh]

Is it supposed to hurt this much? I feel like the minute I make some headway into getting him to talk even small talk, he will engage and then later on or the the next day gets weird again. I don't feel strong right now. I feel like a jerk when I do the distance thing like the book says.

I think I'm going to teach my kiddo how to answer the phone when his dad calls and then how to say goodbye and hang up so I don't have to deal with him for the moment. this roller coaster ride is just so exhausting and painful. I just want my husband back and done with this MLC.