A familiar story with questions. IV

[RR17]

I get very little response to my posts and although I'm not sure why I'm sure it is my own doing.

So I will continue to journal.

So Monday nights both W and I attend separate Bible studies. Tonight was the last night of a 30 week study of Romans. BSF is a great in depth program that I have attended for 10 years now. Anyhow it was a touching night where my group of men, mostly older than I, shared how our group had touched their lives.

Anyway, Mondays are designed so that I get home after W and immediate before my structured bedtime. So I come home and W is in her downstairs bedroom and greets me. She remembers that it is our last night and asked how it went. I briefly explain and ask how her group was. She takes the opportunity to expand on how one of the ladies speaks out of turn and how she has been spoken to about it yet doesn't seem to listen. A few women are so turned off that they may leave etc...

This from a W that rarely had much to say about these type things in our 20 years to gather. Who knows why?
She sure does seem happy to share and although it is somewhat unfamiliar, I think it is good for her.

Today I have reflected on the fact that this morning was a bad place for me. Why? Because I snooped and jumped to conclusions based on less than concrete evidence that she was hiding something. I realized that it was nonconclusive yet it put me in a bad way until I got engaged in Bible study and was distracted from this awfulizing rumination.

I am reminded that God has me exactly where I am supposed to be.

Whatever it is that is going on behind my back or not going on, it doesn't change my plan.

I need to pull away. I need to focus on RR17 and ignore the M for a while. I have done this but I need to recommit and step it up.

Crazy ideas of forcing some sort of R convo are a bad idea. I don't get to know what happens next. No R conversation initiated by me will answer these questions anyway and risk aggravating the situation, at least in the short term.

Nobody here knows what W is thinking. Especially since they hear one side of the stories. There is a lot of valuable info here. Situations are hauntingly similar but people are still unique.

[RR17]

One thing that I woke up with this morning at 4am. My rational mind says let it go and my heart says to let it be heard.

Several weeks ago I brought home a fish and tank for my D15 that a friend was getting rid of as his family leaves the country. She had expressed that she wanted a pet like this. I set it up and would jokingly ask her how he was.

Well she, as teens often do decides she didn't want to mess with the fish and gave it away this weekend. I discovered this yesterday.
Last night during the above-mentioned convo I mentioned the fish to W.
She said "Yea, I told her I didn't want anything to do with it, it was between her and her father".
I jokingly replied "I'm getting used to having things done behind my back" She jokingly made a sneer back. No biggy.

So fast forward to this morning and I wake up with the feeling that her passive involvement was unacceptable. And how I need to express this. Now I know it is just a darn fish and I didn't care if she didn't want it. But my ego told me that it was just another show of disrespect.

I'm not going to use it against her although I would like to. Thanks for listening.

[LoneWlf]

RR,

My W was passive aggressive and she would often use sex as a weapon. I tried to reach out many times many way. She still shot me down I was hurt and shut down. I never stopped loving her tho. I still don't understand why women do this and I may never. Hope things work out with you!

[AnotherStander]

I get very little response to my posts and although I'm not sure why I'm sure it is my own doing.

Well, you don't really talk much about your sitch other that stuff like "W seems happy" and you don't ask questions, so you're not leaving us much to respond to!

I jokingly replied "I'm getting used to having things done behind my back" She jokingly made a sneer back. No biggy.

So fast forward to this morning and I wake up with the feeling that her passive involvement was unacceptable. And how I need to express this. Now I know it is just a darn fish and I didn't care if she didn't want it. But my ego told me that it was just another show of disrespect.

If I understand correctly, you just brought the tank home and set it up without consulting W about it? So now you view her lack of buy-in as disrespect? She probably finds it disrespectful that you just brought it home without telling her though, right?

[RR17]

If I understand correctly, you just brought the tank home and set it up without consulting W about it? So now you view her lack of buy-in as disrespect? She probably finds it disrespectful that you just brought it home without telling her though, right?

You're correct, I didn't discuss bringing it home. She didn't seem to care, but you have a point. I never considered that it might be retaliation.
The disrespect is telling my daughter that she was out of it and not telling me that D15 was regifting the tank.

[Rose888]

How is that disrespect?

Your daughter wanted to regift something you gave her. Your wife told her that was between your daughter and you. Seems perfectly reasonable. Why is that something your wife needs to get involved with?

[RR17]

Because she knew it was going on behind my back. Passive participation. I would have told her if the shoe was on the other foot.

Not a big deal anymore. At the time it was just one more thing and it bothered me.

[LoneWlf]

Hey RR one thing I've learned and it took me a long time was to pick your battles. Don't let every little ting get to you. It means standing up for principal then I would most likely say yes but for small stuff don't sweat it. There's actually a book out there I read called Don't sweat the small stuff- It's all small stuff. Good Luck RR

[RR17]

Wolf, I agree. That's why I didn't make it a battle. I brought it here to vent.

[Rose888]

I still don't understand why you think your wife did anything wrong in this situation, even something small.

You brought home a pet without consulting either your wife or the person you were expecting to take are of the pet.

After a few weeks, your daughter decides she doesn't want the responsibility of a pet and gives it away to a friend. Nothing wrong with that.

Your daughter decides not to tell you until after the fact. Why is that? Did she suspect that you would try to control her or act badly about her decision?

The fact that you were upset about this and vented here seems to support that idea, as does your comment that it happened behind your back. Why did you feel you needed to be informed or consulted? You did either of those when you brought the fish into the house.

It's as if you expect to be granted more consideration than you extend to your wife and daughter.