RR17, I would ask you to please use this as a self-examination opportunity. Is there anything in your behavior in these responses that could point to similar behaviors you've exhibited in the past that have contributed to your current situation?
If you are referring to defending my feelings that I brought them here to vent instead of voicing them to my W, I would say no.
It is hard to read intention or tone when writing in a forum like this. I find it helpful to ask questions when I assume anything damning or pointed. Often I find that there is something I just didn't understand or misread.
I did feel that bringing this sitch here and vetting was a better choice than dumping on my W. I also felt that I had to defend my feelings.
I do expect this forum to be supportive, obviously not in all wrongful actions, but perhaps understanding about feelings and insecurities. I have seen indications of this in the past.
As for the W and this deadline. No, I have seen no movement. None, on the contrary, I have seen a continued respect and an increase in her desire to do things together.
More confusion and ambiguity.
BTW, the arbitrary deadline is just May of 2018, not 5/18/18.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Lately, as I GAL, I have been taking stock in my recent years. Things leading to where I am today. In order to improve, one has to know where they are and know how you got there, right?
Well, a quick background. My industry is closely attached to the real estate market. In my first 14 years of my career, I was a high producing achiever. I was entrenched and in addition to providing a very good standard of living for my young growing family, my sense of self was largely derived from this level of success. (as is with most males) Here in the US when the recession hit it was as if the lights were turned out. I immediately began working even harder only there were little to no results. I am now aware of the fact that this had a profound affect on my emotional well being. In fact, I wasn't even aware until my FIL told W he felt it had hit me very hard. Until I heard this I had no idea. I still didn't accept it. I was depressed. It lasted a long time. That was years ago.
Fast forward to 2013. The market has turned the corner and is at least conducive to making a decent Living again. I had the opportunity to regain face and self-esteem. That was when it hit. I discovered Ws EA in a traumatic and surprising way. Right or wrong it hit me hard, harder than losing my mother. I suffered panic attacks. Experienced a couple more discoveries while going to MC, IC. I felt like I was in the fight of my life. I need to save my marriage and fix my W. (yes, I now know this was the wrong attitude.) Another attack on my sense of self. All before DR and this group. This greatly affected my desire and drive to achieve. During IC it was suggested that I may be experiencing low-level chronic depression. This was not a formal diagnosis. But it did get me to thinking. Regardless, when I had a chance to regain my mojo, I was hit with a WW and then a WAW or whatever, add to that losing my father. It was a lot of grief.
I so desire to communicate this to my W.
I'm sure the answer is never, but is there ever a right time to explain this to her?
BTW, I realize many people have stuff happen and much worse than mine. I share this not for sympathy, but insight.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I'm sure the answer is never, but is there ever a right time to explain this to her?
I tried reading your post a few times but I'm still not clear on what you want to communicate to your W, is it that you may be in depression? In the end it's up to you what you want to share with her, but just don't expect it to change your situation. A lot of LBS's pour their hearts out to the WAS after BD to try and show her they can be the sharing, sensitive husband that she felt like she didn't have, but the problem with that is the WAS is really quite done after BD and really doesn't care to hear it all. They usually think "too little too late" and may even think "wow when did he become so pathetic and needy." That said, something like clinical depression is a serious health issue and personally I don't think it hurts to let those around you know about it, including your WAS. As long as you share it with her on an informational basis, not with the hopes of bringing her back. Does that make sense?
It does make sense. The last thing I want to come across as is pathetic and needy. And yes I would like to explain that the changes were most probably depression. The tricky part is that she caused the second wave. Communicating that without sounding condemning is a challenge.
My journey started several years ago at the discovery. I was suddenly pathetic and needy and you, for the most part, described Ws reaction. My IC said I need to become vulnerable and that appeared pathetic and needy. Luckily it was a 180 from the man she had known for so many years. I have recovered.
I do understand that a happy well adjusted and confident H is a lot more attractive and I believe GAL etc. has helped me regain that.
I would like to explain what I believe happened. Her current state is a mystery. She seems happy. Likes to do things together. Enjoys more activities with girlfriends.
We are like friendly neighbor roommates that co-parent and have sex on occasion. San open affection.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So today while expressing a dissatisfaction with the fact that W wasn't responding to a question that I asked 26 hours earlier. A question that she agreed to think about and get back to me about. Based on past experience I expected that she would never answer the question.
We end up having an R talk. Well sort of. She claimed that she had been in a separate bedroom for months and didn't plan on staying here forever. I replayed: "Oh when do you plan on leaving?" She got angry and exclaimed that she had told me three times and that I didn't hear her. My replay was that because her actions didn't aline with her words contradicting each other and that I struggled to believe her words.
W: Why, simply because I have been nice? M: No, much more than just nice. You have shown more respect and consideration than I have seen in 10 years. You seem to like to spend more time with me.
This seemed to set her back. She appeared to be stopped and pondering this statement.
Then, as usual, she said she had to go pick up my D15 from a friend's.
Latter I committed a carnal DB sin. On Facebook, it popped up from 9 years ago on this day. That I was so thankful that I was married to my best friend.
I forwarded this in a private message. Of course, she didn't reply.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Seems like she acta like she does not know what she wants
Lots of mixed signals
What do you want now
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Why did you do that Good question Trying to provoke a response or recommitment Yes When does achool end 5/25/18 Has she made any concrete plans to move out None that I have seen. Yes I'm paying attention. If you ignore her words
Seems like she acta like she does not know what she wants I agree. Lots of mixed signals
What do you want now Answers. Ultimately full and proper reconciliation.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
