My thoughts are that the only way you could have handled your sitch was as you did.
I understand that's not easy, that is largely because of trauma bonding. Just a quick explanation on this, we bond in childhood to parents as a result of our dependency on them for food, warmth and safety. We are rewarded by that bonding with love and nurture (if our parents or parent substitutes are healthy of course).
Our minds are structured to create those bonds, thus heavy emotional content creates bonding. That can be positive (such as love, care, celebration and joy) or negative (such as anger, blame, disparaging and sadness). We can't tell the difference.
That bond is like a dissociative state, we are incomplete without it. I call it the lost boy syndrome (as in Peter Pan). It is temporary.
NC is the only way to stop the lost boy syndrome (and boy includes both genders). It breaks the trauma bond eventually.
Do be careful as the type of abuse in your sitch can be destabilising, causing flashbacks and c PTSD. This may want you to recreate the familiar, the trauma bond. Being love bombed by an abuser can sweeten the bond and make it stronger.
It is a really tough gig, one of the toughest of all. Because it is unfair and makes little sense.
You did not make this dingbat W cheat nor cause her to lash out. She is entitled and loves being abusive. Know you are a good man, a kind and loving one and this is not on you.
I am here to listen to you. I have this T shirt and am waving to you that there will be a time when you reach the land of Meh and Neh.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Joe, it's kind of shocking that your wife is 'facebook official' with her new man just weeks after leaving you. Doesn't that look bad for her? Not that it matters to you but it's hard to believe someone would want to advertise their new partner immediately after they get divorced. That's really immature.
I can only share my sympathy regarding the loneliness and hating what happened. It sounds like you're mentally healthy but there's no shortcut around sometimes just feeling awful about this. I wish one day the perfect woman would appear in your life and you'll get another chance at happiness since you seemed to be a committed and sincere married man and deserve to have that again.
Hi everyone! It has been a hell of a ride, but I'm finally at my destination.
Surfer: I really really appreciate you checking in on me. I have been doing my best to detach and move on with my life. Early on I wanted to R the MR but as time went on, I realized that it was not possible. All of the DB and 180s paid off tremendously. I am down over 50 pounds and feeling great. I can see that I have a fulfilling life ahead of me. I am focusing on my kid and my career, and I know that things are going to be OK.
V: VANILLA! I am so happy to hear from you. Thank you so much for all of the support you've given me over the past few months. You are a jewel. Your insights have given me so much hope and strength. I want you to know that you've made a lasting and significant impact on my life. You hit the nail on the head when you said WW is entitled. I spoiled her and instead of appreciating the sacrifices I made, she let it go to her head. She lost me, and she will never get me back. I can't R with the person she has become. It would take a lot... It would have to be on the level that Sandi talks about. STD tests, drug tests, psych evals... She would never in a million years submit to the types of things she'd have to do to earn back my trust.
Nicole: You are right, it's so odd to me about the FB thing. When we first started dating she didn't even want us to be together on FB because she wanted to take it slow. And now she is so different. I can't explain it, not do I care to even think about it anymore. Immature is an understatement. Thank you for saying I deserve a loyal and faithful wife!
Nicole, I know what you're going though is tough. I know it's hard. I know the feeling of abandonment, the strange feeling of guilt even though you did not deserve the treatment you got. You are right, there is no shortcut. You have to push through it and live your life. You owe it to your girl.
You WILL get there. One day, a few weeks ago I woke up on a Sunday and a surprising thing happened. I literally did not care about my divorce anymore. I felt 100% OK with my life. I can tell you are on that road too and I'm proud of you. And your girl will be proud of you too. Just give it time and know that you deserve happiness!
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Thank you for the call out Joe, it is my great honour and privilege to post to you.
I wanted to comment on the FB thing. It is called triangulation otherwise known as the 'pick me' game. There are a few reasons I think why WW plays it.
1. You losT the 'pick' me game, but it's old. You lost an orange plastic barbie covered in glitter.
2. Look at me I am the prize, so keep playing the 'pick me' game. So you go 'nah' no longer playing the game is over. WW is trying to imply to the world the game is still going on.
3. The chocolate covered hearts and roses strategy, it's wuv with little ribbons. So cute that I don't care if I humiliate my kids because they will be happy for meeeeeee.....
4. I am first prize and one won by douche loins, my makeup covers my sores from STD.
5. Look I am a selfie, how pretty glam and fake I am. Doesn't this short skirt and no knickers suit my lack of morals? The new red lipstick goes with my low cut cheater shirt. My tarty roots of my hair show how high maintained I am. Adore me. Like me.
6. Share me.
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The G did this with the BIT. In court his Barrister asked if I was angry or upset with the G for his new R, was that the reason I didn't want to give the G, 'a fair settlement' so he could live his life with his new love kins possum poo poo. Did I resent him being happy if I was going to be an old maid now.
Or words to that effect.
I said "I am delighted he has a new bunny snugums, who he says is really rich with houses of her own. (Evidence in court pack), his new bunnie wunnie love bug can house him. Thrilled he is in Italy (Evidence in court pack), as it's cheaper to live than the UK. It would only be better if he had picked a New Zealander.
In my non mol hearing this came up again:
Oh and if he is so happy why is the BIT having her hair styled like me, wearing one of my tops and my necklace (one he took)? In her early photos the BIT is small dark and slightly dumpy in a cute way. In her later love um photos she is blonde with piled hair and push up bra, aka MM style. God knows what he has done to her ego to make that change. In other words for a while she looked like me!
I didn't say the last bit, I just included the FB pictures as Evidence in the Pack. There was a gasp as even his Barrister saw that enforced likeness. Freaky weird.
In other words by doing this one sided 'pick me' it is as much for the engagement of the OP as it is for us. The cheater liarnut job knows we are DONE, and to save face must invest in their new snookums, schmoopie. The game to devalue is on and it's not us.
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This also reflects back to image, these cheater creatures aren't solid in themselves, they mirror back to their partner who the partner wants to see. Like method acting you want a loving mom, wife and partner, that's what they will act out. You want a blonde big booked hookeR style Tango girl, then it's that. With costume changes.
And they will manipulate their other half into an image that glorifies them if needs be.
So truly your W wasn't ever really the first soccer mom or the second floozie girl because actually there isn't anything there but a prop wardrobe.
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It would be hilarious if it wasn't so hurtful.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Joe, it's kind of shocking that your wife is 'facebook official' with her new man just weeks after leaving you. Doesn't that look bad for her? Not that it matters to you but it's hard to believe someone would want to advertise their new partner immediately after they get divorced. That's really immature.
I can only share my sympathy regarding the loneliness and hating what happened. It sounds like you're mentally healthy but there's no shortcut around sometimes just feeling awful about this. I wish one day the perfect woman would appear in your life and you'll get another chance at happiness since you seemed to be a committed and sincere married man and deserve to have that again.
Nicole, in the limerance phase people do this kind of thing. I have a cousin that a couple of years ago said her husband cheated on her and she was leaving him. Low and behold, she had a new beau! She couldn't wait, even before her D was final (and it was uncontested I might add) to get pictures up of her and her new boyfriend! Her parents didn't think she should even be dating so soon, let alone advertising to the world. But she was in love and couldn't wait to share.
It is sickening, but so many are enamored with the limerance phase of a relationship. And once that phase is over, so to is the relationship for many of them. It shows a lack of maturity and understanding about what true love really is. Oh, and also shows a blatant disregard for the commitment they took with their spouse.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
All, there's a lot of good content in this thread about what happened to Joe's wife. It's helpful for others to read because it seems like such a mystery how people can do these things but apparently there is some common phenomenon that explains at least part of that behavior.
Joe, it's encouraging to hear you woke up one morning and had the "I don't care" feeling. It sounds like this is the best you can hope to achieve at this time.
V speaks so much truth in her posts it's scary. WW is now so fake and contrived. Barbie doll is accurate! Although I don't ever look at her social media, I've had people come up to me to tell me that she has awkward "family" photos up of her with S14 along with OM and his kids. Whatever. I'm done with her, and it doesn't matter to me. Unfortunately, I know S14 is going to have serious issues. I hate it for him, but that's life I guess.
She has made attempts to destroy my character, but none of that has worked. I wonder why? Maybe it's because my social media is all parenting activities and hers is nothing but partying and playing house. But wait! That's the truth. All I do these days is parent my boy and all she does is party. So it's easy to see where our priorities are.
Since coming here I have made tremendous strides in my personal growth as a person, as a father, and more importantly as a man.
During this phase of my life, I am going to show my boy how a real man overcomes adversity, heartbreak, and betrayal. This has become a pivotal moment in our lives and it's my job as a father to make the most of it.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
