M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Thanks for the link RR very insightful stuff from Sandi2
Vanilla,
this scrambled eggs effect- doesn't your maternal instinct trump this? When your child is hurting isn't it a knee jerk reaction to say what's wrong -let me take your pain away?
In sandi's post it says the thing that jars women back to reality is a significant loss. Doesn't the potential loss of your child fall into that category? The fact he wants nothing to do with her and yet she walks around like it's ok. can someone explain his to me? From my paternal standpoint, the minute I se S hurting-I go in to protection mode and would do anything to take the pain away. Why not W? Thanks again !!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Vanilla. just trying to understand. Where you a WAW or did you leave an abusive relationship? Perhaps a little bit of both?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Thanks for the link RR very insightful stuff from Sandi2
Vanilla,
this scrambled eggs effect- doesn't your maternal instinct trump this? When your child is hurting isn't it a knee jerk reaction to say what's wrong -let me take your pain away?
In sandi's post it says the thing that jars women back to reality is a significant loss. Doesn't the potential loss of your child fall into that category? The fact he wants nothing to do with her and yet she walks around like it's ok. can someone explain his to me? From my paternal standpoint, the minute I se S hurting-I go in to protection mode and would do anything to take the pain away. Why not W? Thanks again !!
WWs are way to selfish to have this reaction even to their kids. There was a thread from a LBH here from a few years ago where his wife stood up at the end of Thanksgiving dinner, announced she wasn't happy in the marriage and was leaving it, with all of her children sitting around the table dumbfounded and stunned. When the kids tried to reason with her she shut them down saying her mind was made up. She then marched up stairs, packed her clothes, called the OM, and ham him pick her up.
You aren't dealing with the woman you married, nor the woman that bore your son. You are dealing with a different person entirely. You are dealing with someone that has already weighed everything in her mind and decided her wants and desires are paramount to EVERYTHING else, including the well-being of her children.
LoneWlf understanding that the woman you knew is gone is one of the hardest things to come to grips with.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Vanilla. just trying to understand. Where you a WAW or did you leave an abusive relationship? Perhaps a little bit of both?
Both. I was walking on BD1 March 2014 (four months married) after finding the G with his hands down the fish wife jeans. Then was persuaded with sweet words to stay as apparently I hadn't seen what I actually saw.
Then I stayed and the abuse and raging got worse and worse. In June 2014 I walked to a small holiday flat I owned. Then things got worse and worse. The raging, abuse, legal action and the OW. I counted 9OW possibly 10. The G (giggalo spelling deliberate) would not leave the house which I had owned for 35 years. Eventually I moved back in Feb 15 and on 2 May 15, I caught him gambling with the BIT in a casino after saying he was going to a memorial for his deceased son. He got angry and walked out and I locked the door.
He M me for money to gamble and he gambled 820k sterling in 4 years, lost his job, raided my savings, stole from the business and gambled his pension scheme, redundancy, house sale. Then proceeded to sue me for maintainer and to buy him a house. The BIT (Bratislavan Italian Tramp) is an ex exotic dancer still M and living in Tuscany. I couldn't find him to D him, he was trying to reach the magic 5 year mark which makes him entitled to 50% of the assets, since almost everything that remained was mine......
You truly can't make this stuff up and you can't DB abuse and anti social behaviour.
So yes I am a WAW and I walked because of abuse. When I arrived here I was almost vilified for walking.
Does that explain?
That's nearly 40 threads in a paragraph! There are other very terrible things that are on my thread including forced oral cop (valentines day 2014) and saying my aged pa should smother aged ma (dementia) and it was easy to do he should know. That if he wished he could rub me out and trust him no one would ever find me because his brother works for a waste disposal company and they do that all the time. That I should be careful I didn't accidentally trip out of a fourth floor window.
Each sitch is different and some M are so toxic and some waywards so poisonous that strategies are need to get away and fast. Mine was one of those, I had so much help here to stay sane that I post to pay back some of that love, tough talking and experience of others.
I did DB from Mar 14 and joined the board from Oct 2014. It saved me.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Some women don't have maternal instinct and for others it's reserved for babies who give unconditional love. When children are no longer cute, becoming their own little people with their own personalities. They too can be discarded because it's hard work and the focus is no longer on mom as me.
So it may actually be a relief for some to loose custody, it frees them to be entitled for themselves. Waywardness trumps motherhood every time for some. Plus they can blame the LBS as being manipulative etc.
Truly a great dad can be the better parent, more stable and most dads have lots of paternal instinct, often preferring little peeps to babies. There are wonderful, wonderful men here on this board that can make the best of all homes for their children. My hats off to guys who fight for their kids when mothers instinct is to go wayward and discard.
Children come first. Always.
If you are expecting losing their kids to shock a wayward to rock bottom or awake maternal instinct think again. It may well do the opposite. Free them to become more wayward.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Your S15 is old enough to know his own mind. But your M is for you and W, not for him to judge.
He isn't your or W counsellor or MC. He is 15 and his brain like all teenagers won't be fully formed until he is 23 oR 24. W may see S15 as your agent or that you are triangulation or guilting W into an M she doesn't want.
She may say "it's time for me now"
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Your S15 is old enough to know his own mind. But your M is for you and W, not for him to judge.
He isn't your or W counsellor or MC. He is 15 and his brain like all teenagers won't be fully formed until he is 23 oR 24. W may see S15 as your agent or that you are triangulation or guilting W into an M she doesn't want.
She may say "it's time for me now"
V
Wolf, what she said. You can only control one person in the M, that person is you.
V, I wouldn't call you a WAW at all. I question how you got caught up with such a monster in the first place. I'm sure it is a long story.
IMO, a WAW or WW for that mater is very different from leaving a dangerous M/R.
But to your sitch, don't use your S as a pawn. If you are not, don't be tempted. 15 is an age where he knows what's going on.
Show him what a well-adjusted adult behaves like.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Vanilla - your post into your difficult past relationship shows what you had to endure. For you to come out in great shape and for you to want to pay it forward is so appreciated.
In regards to my W -I have always said she was a great mom,It was only when she made the decision to quit on the M is when I saw someone TOTALLY different. In regards to my S15 what he told me is that he has seen that I have done EVERYTHING that I can for this R. What he doesn't understand is that he's seen me as being totally respectful and giving thru out his whole life. He's never sen me yell, swear, be violent, cheat, or abuse my W. He believes my wife just bailed and quit on her family. That's his words.
My W would ask why doesn't he like me? It goes back to the old saying, " you get what you give" . I am going to coach my sons baseball team shortly and have not missed a baseball, soccer, swimming, band concert , chess tournament. My W only goes to a handful of events. I've asked my W- when was the last time you did something with him that was just for him? Not forcing him to do something you wanted to do. She did not have an answer.
By no means am I super dad- I have many faults. Too many to share. But I can tell you without hesitation that nobody will love my S like me!!
My thought was not to guilt my W into coming back. It was my projecting my own feelings of loss- Meaning if I were to do something that would cause me to lose my S. I would stop all actions in a heartbeat!! It's a wonder my W once a Godly woman- does not show one ounce of remorse. I just wanted to know what was going thru the mind of someone in this position.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
