Wife is not who I married...please help

[joejoe1]

Lone,

Its up to you to make that decision. I wore mines until the W and I decided to Recon. Then I took it off and put it up for sale. That old M is dead and everything that came with it.

It's no definitive answer about when to stop wearing your ring.

On another note.

I agree with V on the situation with your S and his mother. I would also talk to your S and tell him to think about buying your W A ticket if she don't decide to go, then explain to him that his mom loves him. He only gets one mother. You be the best dad you can be, but you don't want your son learning vindictive habits. Love is hard even for kids.

I lost my mother in Hurricane Katrina, no matter what she did to me, I would give anything to just hear her voice again. My W had an A but she is a great mother. I can never take that away from her. Even in her A. Her number one priority were the boys.

Don't teach or allow your son to hate or be vindictive towards his mother. Men should treat all women with respect, especially the one that gave birth to them. Two wrongs dont make a right. Show your son a hard right beats easy wrongs all day.

[LoneWlf]

Vanilla, Steve 85, Andrew,Cadet,Another Stander, RR17,JoeJoe1 and for all the people I missed and that have come here to help me out...I'm pretty sure we all came here hurting depleted of energy, feeling worthless and unloved and so totally lost. (At least that's how I feel now.) For each and every one of you who's gone out of your way to share your knowledge and wisdom or even if it's just cheering a person on from the sideline. I think it shows me the type of character that you all are. you guys are incredible!! To be kicked when you are down, to constantly rise up not only to persevere but help the next person next to you. It speaks volumes. And for this I am grateful.

In regards to my S and my W relationship. Let me first say I am a God fearing man. And his commandments Love one another. Love unconditionally. Be quick to extend grace and be slow to anger. he also says, be humble and put others needs above your own. That being said, I have told my S that this is his mom and she deserves his respect no matter what. I also told him that the longer he keeps anger and resentment in him the longer it will take for him to heal. The analogy the gave him was if you don't for give someone- it's like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die. Forgiveness is more for you then it is for them. it doesn't mean they get a free pass and you just forget everything. It means you acknowledge that you were wronged but you now are more focussed on healing.

The fact that this woman who gave birth to my S walks around emotionless when S asks her why she wants to break up the family? When in fact the woman I married would cry at ALL Disney movies( I would even get my S to joke with her and tell him to ask mommy why her eyeballs were sweating?)She has become someone I don't know. Not the Godly woman I married. At this point I'm not sure who she is or if my REAL W still exists. Only time will tell>my only course of action now is to DB - work on myself while continuing to pray for her salvation. I also must trust in GOD in that he has a plan for me. I must let go of my prideful ways and allow Him to take full control and be obedient to His will.

[SteveLW]

Awesome post. I'll be praying for you and your family. Hang in there, you have the right perspective on all of this.

[LoneWlf]

Thanks Steve85,

Just to show you how aware S is. In a recent session where his IC called W and I in so that S can ask W some questions. S first asked W - Why are you looking to break up my family. W said I feel stuck and that dad and I are not on the same page.

Then S mentioned that he has seen great changes in me and that we've become closer. He mentioned that even after working crazy hours I was able to cook do housework and chores. He said that even as his soccer and baseball coach my message was the same.
Have a clear objective or goal. Work hard thru all obstacles giving it 110% and never give up! He looked at W and asked what have you taught me?

She responded by saying , first let me say that I think God wants as all to be happy. I've taught you to follow what makes you happy as long as you don't hurt yourself or anyone else. what I want to show you in this relationship is that you keep striving for happiness. I'm not happy here so then I must find what makes me happy.

My S interrupted her and said, let me give you a scenario. lets say you approach a fork in the road. One path is beautiful bright clear full of flowers and sunshine. The other path is rugged dark dreary full of weeds and swamp. He then asked, Why are you choosing the rugged path? W asked him, Why do you say that?

S responds- The nice path is Dad, he's already shown you he has changed to make this family better you know that he wants the best for our family. The rugged path is going on your own not knowing what its going to be like. He then said The lesson you are teaching me now is a bad lesson- What you are teaching me is that in a relationship when things get bad - it's better to run away from the problem. (I was sooo proud of him!!!)

One of the other key points he brought up was that most mothers would do anything to take the pain away from their kids. Why do you create my pain and not only that why don't you take away my pain now that you see me suffering!( at this point he started to break down)

You see I have an incredible S most people at my church constantly remind me of how good he is . They saw him grow up as he attended mass every Sunday with me and W. He now usher along side of me each mass ( W has not been going). He is missing alot of school because he says he feels empty and broken. i mentioned to him that there are alot of kids in the same situation and that maybe even half the kids may be from broken families. He responded - I know there are alot but if you speak to these kids all they want to talk about is how to get the latest Iphone- I want my family not an IPhone.

My hope is that we can minimize the damage this will cause him - to take one day at a time. To try to rekindle the smiles and the laughter.this kid can be quite witty like his dad. He is in IC and has all but quit the church youth group and I had started him on lessons in accounting. He has lost his mojo. The 2 things that are mandatory I make mandatory are school and church -these are non negotiable. How do I get him back-thanks for the help

[RR17]

Wolf your S is hurting, you all are hurting.

S is not going to rationalize away Ws feeling. Guilting her back-in-line is even worse.
I believe God has us exactly where he wants us. We simply don't understand why at this time. Accepting this is no easy task.

Your S will be fine. How you navigate your sitch is more important than how Ws is behaving in the immediate. Think about it. Here is an opportunity to show how a man works to save his M/R.

We can't control the people in our lives. In my case, it is a major part of why I am here. We can only control how we respond. Prayer and God bless.

[AndrewP]

LoneWlf

This might not help you and I have no specific advice for you but let me share with you a bit of my own story.

Sorry if it's a bit long. I am infamous around her for long rambling posts that may or may not have a point. Don't feel obliged to read / analyze.

In my own eyes I'm not a great Dad. I hope that I'm a reasonably good one but not great. I work a lot of hours and am not often around. This has been the case for pretty much my kids' whole lives. I left much of the day to day parenting up to my wife who wasn't great either. We loved our children but we weren't very engaged. Things like missed homework and such we would only find out about when reported by the school. Our kids were encouraged to lead fairly independent lives and did.

My daughter and I were always very close. In personality we are very similar. She was my "adventure buddy" and would usually accompany me on errands and help out with various household tasks. We would talk about all sort of things. About 6 years ago she got married and moved to the US. I'm grateful for the internet that allows us to interact almost daily and I go to visit her and her husband a couple of times a year for a few days.

My son, who is 2 years younger is very like his mother. He has a charming personality that he can turn on but is generally fairly selfish and reserved. He was never really close to either of us. I remember once asking him if he wanted to go to the hardware store with me when he was perhaps 8 and he responded with essentially "what's in it for me". His sister pointed out that adventures with Dad often involved ice cream and he just shrugged. He went off to university in Oshawa about 3 1/2 hours away about 5 years ago and while I would stop off to see him for dinner at least once a month we didn't really stay in touch. After 2 years he failed out in large part because he missed too many classes and spent 2 years sitting in his apartment essentially doing nothing. The last year of that was when my marriage fell apart.

I remember his mother pushing me to be firm with him and threaten to cut off his money if he didn't get a job or start another program at school. I refused. I don't abandon family. His mother of course did nothing herself.

One of the frustrating things about my son was that he would not answer texts or emails and hated talking on the phone. I just shrugged and accepted that. His mother would get quite angry at him for "ignoring her" and would refer to him as "that little sh!t" (true) until he responded.

I knew that his lease was coming up at the end of April 2017 and he didn't respond to repeated enquiries from me as to where he was moving, and did he need any help. At that time my ex had been moved out for about a year and I was unsure where she was living although I suspected. I did think that there was a good chance she had moved in with OM and thought as the clock counted down that my son was going to move in with them. It made sense. She's his mother after-all and I thought he was closer to her than he was with me. On the last week or so I contacted her via email breaking months of non-contact to see if she knew what he was going to do and feeling dread about the answer. She responded that she had no idea either and that our son should be responding to me because I was paying his bills (she and I have different ideas about reasons).

Now my son at the time was 22. In my mind a capable adult. At his age I had also been living on my own for 4 years and so I left his fate in his own hands. I also figured that if he needed help moving that he had lots of friends or his mother and OM (who has a fleet of trucks) would help him move.

Sometime in the last couple of days of April I was on the phone in a long call with a very dear and supportive friend enjoying an adult beverage when I got a text out of the blue from my son. It said that he had to be out of his apartment the next day and could he move home "for a short while". I said "of course". The next day I hooked up the trailer and headed down. We packed him up and drove home in pouring rain.

During the drive home I saw a text pop up on his screen from a contact labeled "Mom". It asked him where he was moving to. He responded "home with Dad".

As a slight aside story - my son lies. He lies like his Mother where she would often tell tales of how she felt the world should be rather than like it is. He doesn't have a passport. I gave him money for one once. He didn't get it. When I was visiting him once I gave him money again for one and actually drove him to the passport office and helped him fill out the forms. He was missing some information so couldn't do it right then but said that he would. We made plans to go visit his sister together in March who he hasn't seen in years. I was very excited. In December 2016 when bringing him home for Christmas he mentioned that his passport had come in. I booked the trip, got him travel insurance and bought him a suitcase. I dropped off the suitcase in I believe February 2017 when visiting him. He seemed stressed and after dinner before dropping him off at his apartment he had a full blown panic attack and tearfully told me that he couldn't go to see his sister with me. I presumed a conflict with his mother was involved and gave him a big hug and told him that it was OK. I recalled a similar panic attack shortly after his mother moved out when he refused to talk to her.

Getting back into the story - after he moved home, the next day there was a hiring fair at a local factory. He said that he was interested in going, I ironed a shirt for him, he read up on the company and got his resume freshly printed. The next morning, another panic attack and he said that he wasn't up to going. I said OK and that was fine.

We settled into a routine. I rarely saw him as he spent most of his time alone in his room. He had a very good friend who also moved back into the area and they started hanging out together. He had no job still (a number of people pushed me to threaten / push him) but I didn't. He did see his mother a couple of times after moving home but rarely (a trend that continues). Through friends of mine in the village I got him hooked up with the local penny ante poker game. He made new friends, reconnected with old ones. Through the poker game he got not one but two jobs. One working front-of-house at the local pub and another doing construction. For a while he was working 5 or 6 days a week.

We still don't interact much but have talked about the future in a completely non-threatening way. I've joked with him that he should plan on moving out before he turns 35 and that it may be awkward for me to date and have overnights with two guys with hairy backs wandering around the place. In many ways we're more like room-mates than father/son. I do still pay most of the bills but he's taken on a few of his personal ones himself. A relationship that I feel is healthy for us as both being adults. He has a lot of confidence in himself and the future I think even though he doesn't have it mapped out well. Recently we were talking and he said that he thought he would be here through this fall but expected to be on his own by the next. He knows that there's no pressure on him to either stay or leave.

One thing that is written a lot here is that we as the "behind spouse" need to be the "sane parent". I think I can manage that part. This is a safe place and I'm a safe person for both of my kids. In being a parent I've always felt that the hardest thing to be is a good example. I try my best but don't always succeed which occasionally is the source of some joking between me and the kids and also occasionally is the source of upset and anger with my son. He's gotten better at that though and I think his expectations of me in the last number of months has gotten a lot more realistic.

So - LoneWlf - I don't know if my story helped you or not. You're not alone here in struggling to figure out how to be a Dad when the Mom is missing-in-action. You can do it though. You and I and all the other single dads and somewhat single dads (and Moms) will struggle and fail. Being honest and open and truthful with our children both young and old and over-all and to me most importantly being the "safe" parent is key.

Good luck. This will be tough.

[Vanilla]

Vanilla you are a wealth of knowledge-

I may not post for a while cuz W is away for over a week but one question I have is that while DBing do you keep your wedding band on or do you take it off as a sign of no pressure? Also when is it an appropriate time to remove the band - after separation or after D? Is there a definitive answer or is it only when you feel the time is right?

I am not so definite about rings.

I kept mine on until decree nisi (first stage of D in UK). Then I went out and bought myself a ring, which is very pretty. Mainly because I was being asked out on dates (where has that gone now I am free?) and partly as a symbol to myself that I am wedded to me.

I put the rings in the G packing boxes, if he has found theM they are no doubt either on the BIT finger or pawned or sold. They were beautiful and matched and I paid for them I subsequently discovered!

Then aged ma died and I wore her ring, it's now with aged pa with his own ring and is buried with him in an oak heart box togethef with some of her ashes in her jacket pocket. Tied with a lock of my hair from childhood. The silk bag also has glam sis baby tooth a hospital bracelet from my little bruv and a couple of misc other bits from children, grandchildren and his
Life. I love my aged pa, it has my tears on it too.

My engagement and wedding band from H1 (deceased) was still in my jewellery box. I had the pink diamonds reset with the gold froM both bands and I wear that but not on my ring finger.

I have a GF who wears her bands on a chain around her neck.

It's a personal choice, but I also think once the S moves into D it's the point to consider it.

Others here have ring on off, on off. I think it's easier to decide a point, make a ritual and flow into it with an open heart. Accepting that a new R (even with W) requires a new start and new rings. By giving the G back the rings I let go of a big desire to resolve or even get closure. It marked closure to me.

That's just me.

V

[LoneWlf]

Vanilla, Steve85, Andrew,RR thank you for your words of support and wisdom.

This upcoming week without my W will be a prelude to what it will be when she finally moves out on the 15th. Sometimes I wonder how will I ever survive? How can I stay sane - trying to find a job, juggle home chores, coaching S baseball team and having to get the house ready to sell it. I'm generally trying to stay strong on the outside for my S- But if he saw the inside I'm shaking like a leaf. Sometimes I think the light at the end of the tunnel is just another train coming to run me over to put me out of my misery. Any hints on how to overcome this mountain of an obstacle?

[Vanilla]

Vanilla, Steve85, Andrew,RR thank you for your words of support and wisdom.

This upcoming week without my W will be a prelude to what it will be when she finally moves out on the 15th. Sometimes I wonder how will I ever survive? How can I stay sane - trying to find a job, juggle home chores, coaching S baseball team and having to get the house ready to sell it. I'm generally trying to stay strong on the outside for my S- But if he saw the inside I'm shaking like a leaf. Sometimes I think the light at the end of the tunnel is just another train coming to run me over to put me out of my misery. Any hints on how to overcome this mountain of an obstacle?

When you are going through hell, just keep going.

That's all you can do, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

Have you set yourself goals? That will help then chunk it down into smaller steps. That elephant is one bite at a time.

That's all I do, one day, one step, one bite. And one part of a goal.

V

[LoneWlf]

Vanilla, Andrew, Steve85, RR, joejoe -Thank you all for your input-it is so appreciated.

What is bothering me now is how my W would walk around emotionless without remorse or guilt as if what she is doing is justified. Seems like she cares little about the damage she is doing to S.
What I would like now is if I could get a WAW or WW or MLCers point of view. On what are they thinking at this point -what are their motives? and what can I expect in the future. Thanks again!