Ah, ok I got it. Perhaps it will build slowly over time when she gets out of her own head.
Slightly non-related, I know your sig states giving her a year to get her act together and then you will file. This is something that I have struggled with. On one hand, I set a similar year time frame thinking that at that point, maybe my filing will push things along one way or the other. Then again I think, I do not believe in D and I should leave it up to her to do it. But if we are living separate lives at that point, is the limbo worth it? Thoughts? Feel free to respond here or on my thread. I wanted to ask you directly though, since you have a clear stance on it (at least in your sig).
Me: 28 W: 28 No Kids Together: 10 years Married: 3 years ILYBIDLY: 11/2/17 She moved out: 11/15/17
Coincidentally, LoneWolf asked me about this in his thread. Here is my response to him:
Quote:
LW, yes I have struggled with ever filing for D. When I spoke to a lawyer about 6 weeks in to our sitch, I almost felt dirty afterward. (Of course, that could just have been due to talking to a lawyer! I kid I kid!)
The 1 year thing was on the advice of another anti-divorce author (not MWD). She preaches even tougher love than MWD for a WW. And her goal is that you do not allow limbo to linger for years. She recommends a one year deadline with the theory being that the WW really doesn't want to give up the cozy, secure life they have with their H, but just wants to run wild for a while.
I do not think I will ever have to file. I have stated on this forum before that due to my beliefs, the only time D is justified is due to physical infidelity. When it is not physical, but just emotional and visual (photos and videos) the line gets a lot more blurry. Yes I know that Christ said that looking on someone and lusting is committing adultery in your heart, but adultery of the heart isn't given as grounds for divorce. Sexual sin (called fornication in the King James) is.
So yes, very good question. Of course, D is a legal proceeding, not a spiritual one, so the real problem with D for anything other than adultery, is remarrying since you haven't been "loosed" from your MR by God.
So yes, my thinking (and this expert's belief) was also to limit how long limbo would drag on. At he point I typed this my W had shown no action to indicate she would remain in the marriage, even if her actions on actually leaving had slowed or even stopped. She was still saying she was done. (Remember, believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for pasting that. I know you do not have everything figured out (none of us do), but I find your posts to be very insightful. Thank you for sharing.
As you are somewhat on the other side, what type of response worked for you when she would directly say she was done? Ignore it? Acknowledge it? Acknowledge and disagree? No reply at all to it?
Me: 28 W: 28 No Kids Together: 10 years Married: 3 years ILYBIDLY: 11/2/17 She moved out: 11/15/17
So admittedly I didn't always handle it the best. I think a lot of times she was looking for a reaction and I unfortunately fell into the trap.
I think the best course of action is to either ignore it, or to validate it. Read the validation thread. Something like "I am sorry you feel that way. I feel that we can still make this work."
Maybe someone else has a better response. And it will depend on your sitch. Is she consistent in saying that or does she have moments where she talks about coming back to the MR? My wife was definitely right in the middle. One moment wanting D the next wanting to stay. So adjust accordingly. When in doubt just let it go.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We had a good MC session Tuesday. I should point out that we had a really bad family tragedy on her side of the family on Monday. I don't want to go into details but just say that it was very hard on her, and it was difficult for me as well. It seems to have brought us closer.
A couple of small things today. She came and gave me a kiss out of the blue, for no reason, this morning. I was actually a bit taken aback by it! Then she had an event at church today, and D14 went with her.
After they got home we were in the kitchen and we hugged. I didn't initiate, neither did she, it was just one of those spontaneous hugs that used to occur back when things were good. She laid her head against my chest. After a few seconds I started to pull away, and she wouldn't let me. That is the first time she's insisted on a longer hug since back when things were good.
Anyway, just thought I'd share. I know these are small things, but those are the kinds of things that really seem to make a big difference.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Steve, you and your wife sound like you're doing well. Things sound stable. I'm sorry though to hear about the tragedy on her side. I'm glad you and your wife still have each other for support.
Thanks everyone. Anyone here watch Blackish? Last few episodes the parents have been having marital problems and end up separated. In the season finale (just watched on DVR) the wife's father dies and they reconcile. Very interesting timing on that storyline considering this past week with our family tragedy.
Been doing the assigned reading for MC. Very eye opening and has been resonating with my upbringing and the emotional baggage that has caused me to carry into my marriage.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85, I'm both excited and cautious for you brother. The one true thing you can say is that things are changing.
Funny you should say this stuff about the coincidence with Blackish. The one thing W and I are sharing on nearly a nightly bases is for some reason we are working our way back through The Sopranos. Good or bad it's something we are doing together and W seems to look forward. Nearly 86 hours.
Anyway, we just watched where Tony and Carmela separated and have just now recon. The S went on for several episodes. Somewhat realistic changes in emotions and behavior etc. It was interesting timing here at this home as well.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
