I will try to be as brief in my telling of our history as I can be in this introduction. Please ask any questions for clarification.
H and I have been together for 7 1/2 years, married 1yr8m. Things were amazing, we did so much together, we both loved spending time with one another and we were inseparable. Our jobs were separate schedules and so we saw each other for only a couple hours each day during the week. We were having sex at least once or twice a week at this point. In December, he got a new job, we talked about it and agreed upon. They told us that he would be minimally travelling every third week. Not true! It ended up being every week, sometimes 2 days, sometimes 5 days, nothing was consistent, it was hard to plan anything. We still did things, had fun, thought everything was good. With him being out of town, sex was normally once a week, mostly initiated by me. End of March, I found out I was pregnant and it wasn't planned. He wasn't very happy about it, I think scared. A week later, after my probing based on his behavior, he tells me he isn't happy and hasn't been for a few months. He says that we don't go out and do fun things anymore, our sex life has decreased, and I don't get up to greet him when he returns from being gone. For the time he is home and when he returns next week, I spice things up in the bedroom, I greet him when he returns, I feel like everything is better. He then goes out of town for the whole week, so not much real talking happens. The next week, I planned a fun date for us, we went, it was awkward, but I still enjoyed myself, not knowing what was to come. The next day, he basically told me that he doesn't feel like working on us. He never gave a reason as to what happened. He did tell me there was not anyone else, nor were there any "mistakes" while he was out of town. I 90% believe him, but I can't be 100% sure either way. He is never in the same place twice when he is out of town and when he is home, he is at home. Three days ago, I planned for us to go floating and camping on a beautiful weekend, he agreed to it, then told me he didn't want to go the day of. I asked what he was planning on doing instead, he said he was going to pack a bag and leave. he told me he's not excited to come home anymore. He left, that was about it. I didn't contact him, he sent a text that night that said, "I'm alive. Staying at (friend's). Goodnight." I responded, right away, "Thank you. Goodnight." The next morning, I started doing research and came across DR and LRT information. I was pretty blown away that everything LRT says to stop doing, I was doing. I wrote letters, wanted to be in constant contact, bought cards, a couple gifts, planned dates, planned trips, showed him old pictures, etc. When I read why you shouldn't do those things, it was so eye-opening, and makes sense. I have stopped contact, which is super hard! I haven't heard from him in 3 1/2 days. He is not at the house, but he doesn't have much to live off of, so I can't imagine he'll be gone for too long without contact, at least to get some things.
I teach, so teaching is taking up a lot of my time right now, I am also taking an online class, so lots of homework. When summer break gets here, I will be much more free to do things and focus on me and my happiness. I have already started to look at new hobbies and volunteering opportunities. I have been seeing my friends more and working out. I feel like I am going in the right direction for myself, it is, of course, so hard! DR arrived yesterday and I am already halfway through it, can't wait to pick it back up this afternoon. I am hopeful, but I have also read many of the posts on here. I plan on making a phone coaching appointment soon, I'd like to finish the book first.
I know there is so much more I could save and more info to give, but I'll answer any questions that anyone has.
Thanks for you support already!
Last edited by Cadet; 05/08/1807:29 AM.
Married- 1y8m Together- 7.5y M- 37 H- 31 S- 4 months not wanting to work on things bomb- 4/15/18 left home- 5/5/18 Moved in with OW a week after leaving
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I will try to be as brief in my telling of our history as I can be in this introduction. Please ask any questions for clarification.
H and I have been together for 7 1/2 years, married 1yr8m. Things were amazing, we did so much together, we both loved spending time with one another and we were inseparable. Our jobs were separate schedules and so we saw each other for only a couple hours each day during the week. We were having sex at least once or twice a week at this point. In December, he got a new job, we talked about it and agreed upon. They told us that he would be minimally travelling every third week. Not true! It ended up being every week, sometimes 2 days, sometimes 5 days, nothing was consistent, it was hard to plan anything. We still did things, had fun, thought everything was good. With him being out of town, sex was normally once a week, mostly initiated by me. End of March, I found out I was pregnant and it wasn't planned. He wasn't very happy about it, I think scared. A week later, after my probing based on his behavior, he tells me he isn't happy and hasn't been for a few months. He says that we don't go out and do fun things anymore, our sex life has decreased, and I don't get up to greet him when he returns from being gone. For the time he is home and when he returns next week, I spice things up in the bedroom, I greet him when he returns, I feel like everything is better. He then goes out of town for the whole week, so not much real talking happens. The next week, I planned a fun date for us, we went, it was awkward, but I still enjoyed myself, not knowing what was to come. The next day, he basically told me that he doesn't feel like working on us. He never gave a reason as to what happened. He did tell me there was not anyone else, nor were there any "mistakes" while he was out of town. I 90% believe him, but I can't be 100% sure either way. He is never in the same place twice when he is out of town and when he is home, he is at home. Three days ago, I planned for us to go floating and camping on a beautiful weekend, he agreed to it, then told me he didn't want to go the day of. I asked what he was planning on doing instead, he said he was going to pack a bag and leave. he told me he's not excited to come home anymore. He left, that was about it. I didn't contact him, he sent a text that night that said, "I'm alive. Staying at (friend's). Goodnight." I responded, right away, "Thank you. Goodnight." The next morning, I started doing research and came across DR and LRT information. I was pretty blown away that everything LRT says to stop doing, I was doing. I wrote letters, wanted to be in constant contact, bought cards, a couple gifts, planned dates, planned trips, showed him old pictures, etc. When I read why you shouldn't do those things, it was so eye-opening, and makes sense. I have stopped contact, which is super hard! I haven't heard from him in 3 1/2 days. He is not at the house, but he doesn't have much to live off of, so I can't imagine he'll be gone for too long without contact, at least to get some things.
I teach, so teaching is taking up a lot of my time right now, I am also taking an online class, so lots of homework. When summer break gets here, I will be much more free to do things and focus on me and my happiness. I have already started to look at new hobbies and volunteering opportunities. I have been seeing my friends more and working out. I feel like I am going in the right direction for myself, it is, of course, so hard! DR arrived yesterday and I am already halfway through it, can't wait to pick it back up this afternoon. I am hopeful, but I have also read many of the posts on here. I plan on making a phone coaching appointment soon, I'd like to finish the book first.
I know there is so much more I could save and more info to give, but I'll answer any questions that anyone has.
Thanks for you support already!
Moved to first post - Cadet
Last edited by Cadet; 05/08/1807:29 AM.
Married- 1y8m Together- 7.5y M- 37 H- 31 S- 4 months not wanting to work on things bomb- 4/15/18 left home- 5/5/18 Moved in with OW a week after leaving
othstr I am sorry that you are here...My relationship with W has also been 7 1/2 years. She is also swamped with work and was doing alot of traveling before she left and moved out. She also said that there was no one else etc... My observation for what it is worth is that Workaholism is a very real thing and the stress of work commitments can make people feel overwhelmed and lose themselves. You as the spouse can be seen as the obstruction versus the work which is the real problem. My advice is DO NOT PURSUE do not call do not text take care of yourself! Give him the space he needs to recalibrate...it could just be that he is worn out and needs to recoup...and the idea of a child coming has spooked him too.
M 40 W 34 Together 7 Married 2 No Kids BD 1/18 need space Moved out 2/18 ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18 W filed for D 6/18 D final 10/18
Good job on starting the NC. At this point since there are no kids YET, it should be easier. Let him come to you, i can understand that lots of work is very stressful and the fact that a baby is on the way only adds to it, but i cant imagine why a man would want to walk out on you at this time. I know you dont want to hear this, but the probability of there being OW are very high. I know we always think we know our spouses, but the thing is these people are not the person we married. They are a completely different person and so unpredictable.
Your doing great with keeping up with your teachings and online classes. Go out with friends, I wouldn't follow too much of their advice though. They are not going to always be focused on saving the marriage which i believe is what you want. Friends and family in real life only want your immediate happiness and will tell you whatever it is THEY think is correct.
This is perhaps the hardest thing you will have to do, but you have a child on the way and that should be your strength to keep pushing forward. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. You have a little one on the way that deserves it, if your H doesn't snap out of his fog then ultimately it will be his loss.
M:26 WAW:26 T:11 M:7 D:3 BD 1 10/16 I love you but not in love BD 2 2/18 I love you but... W moves out 3/18
And please dont take my writing too much to the heart, I'm new here, my own situation is still fresh so I'm only venting my opinion to you. I'm sure the vets will come by soon enough
M:26 WAW:26 T:11 M:7 D:3 BD 1 10/16 I love you but not in love BD 2 2/18 I love you but... W moves out 3/18
Ste7e, Thank you for these comments. It gives me solace to know someone else is going through the same situation. He actually texted me this morning, waited 2 hours to return text, sounded happy and content. Hard to not give details, but trying to follow the plan. I'm hoping he just needs to recalibrate, like you said.
Married- 1y8m Together- 7.5y M- 37 H- 31 S- 4 months not wanting to work on things bomb- 4/15/18 left home- 5/5/18 Moved in with OW a week after leaving
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
