Married- 1y8m Together- 7.5y M- 37 H- 31 S- 4 months not wanting to work on things bomb- 4/15/18 left home- 5/5/18 Moved in with OW a week after leaving
Also, I was reading someone elses post and they were talking about pictures and rings. If I am not ready to give up on us, is it appropriate for me to stop wearing my ring and take down pictures of us around the house. The pictures were just too hard for me to look at every day. He has only come around once, a month ago.
Married- 1y8m Together- 7.5y M- 37 H- 31 S- 4 months not wanting to work on things bomb- 4/15/18 left home- 5/5/18 Moved in with OW a week after leaving
I'm sorry to hear the situation that brought you here, having a baby on the way and a H out the door is tough. Its been a while since I've been on this side of the forums but I somehow found your thread and just wanted you to know not to give up posting, the people here can be a great support and it sounds like you have a good coach aswell. Sometimes posts go down a page or two and get lost in the sea of posts. Keep posting and you'll find the right people to connect with, some may surprise you and end up being long term friends. Having support from people you can relate to can be powerful.
You'll hear many different opinions on what to do, in the end realize its your decision and whatever the choices are yours to make. i'm not going to tell you the secret answer that fix your M, because honestly a quick fix just doesn't exist. People leave and more often than not, they never come back. That doesn't mean give up, just accept the reality that could be there.
Use this time to focus on you, search out any areas you wish to grow and direct energy there. Time really is a gift even if it doesn't feel like it. Find your passion in life, decide what you want to accomplish. The GAL is a great start, keep it up.
As for the pictures and ring. If the pictures are too painful to keep up, take them down. If the ring doesn't feel right, take it off. Do what feels right for you, not what you think will mean to him. Some people decide to keep the ring on until they've accepted things are over, some stop wearing it right away, some keep wearing it until they divorce or reconcile. Theres really no right or wrong answer. Stay strong, life gets exponentially better if you decide it to do so.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I'll give my two cents here. 99.999999999% probability that your husband is moving in with his OW. No one would leave their pregnant wife and move in with a random girl from work if they were only having a crisis about the baby. He would have been upset that you were pregnant because that totally ruins his plans with the OW. I doubt he has told her about the baby with you yet because an OW of that age would leave him for sure just based on that. So if it is a relationship it will be doomed to fail once she finds out. Don't attempt to tell her as it will come out by itself and it will just make you look bad. Just detach, GAL, work on yourself and wait it out to see what happens.
People that have no desire to work on their relationship don't want to because they have another relationship with someone else already that has greener grass.
You need to think long and hard about whether or not you even want him back. That is what I am doing with my WAW now. I have totally changed by GAL and doing 180's and actually listening to every problem she listed that I had. I did some deep soul searching and analyzed the past and realized she was right. So I changed everything to be a better version of myself FOR MYSELF. These changes are permanent. I was not a good husband. But she was not a good wife either. And now I am in a weird situation because I do not want her back unless she can change as well. It is really complicated because we have 3 kids so I have to give her the chance to change even though I don't think she can do it.
Me:43 Wife:35 Married:9 yrs Together:11 yrs Children: B7, G4 , G2 DB & DR bought and in the mail Bomb drop: 05/05/18 EA: Suspected but no proof Status: not getting divorced but not piecing yet
He left those items out of laziness or maybe to have something to come back to. Either way, you won't find out so it's not worth trying to mind read. If they bother you, throw them in a bag and put them outside and he can pick them up.
It sounds like your GAL is working well. Are you contacting him or is he contacting you?
How do you feel about him now? Are you hoping he comes back to the MR eventually?
One thing my priest told me is that all you can do is pray sometimes. It helps me focus on what I really want and who I really want to be.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It has been quite some time since I posted, as you can tell. A lot has happened since July. We started talking and he said he was confused and wasn't sure what he really wanted. We went on a couple dates and talked on a regular basis. Of course, he was still with her, so I know, he was cake eating. I started to tell him that he was wanting to work on things, she is not in the equation. He eventually, it was not a fast process, left her and moved back in with me in our house. It was good at the beginning, but then I could tell that he was distant. We talked about what happened and I asked questions and he answered. I will say that I looked at his phone because I needed to make sure he wasn't talking to her, however, you can delete messages and phone calls, so even though it didn't show he was talking to her, I wasn't completely believing it. He kept saying that she hates him for doing what he did to her and won't talk to him again. Fast forward a little bit, 3 weeks of total time being at home, we went to a counseling session, he went to work, came home, I could tell that he was acting/seeming different. The next day, he tells me he's not happy and he is leaving. 3 weeks, that was his attempt at trying to work on us.
I have read that the WS needs to show remorse, I could tell there was no remorse from him. He mentioned at one point that he missed the relationship with her... That one hurt.
So current day, I am 6 weeks away from welcoming a little bundle of joy into my life. I am really looking forward to having something that consumes my life and my love. He never really talked about the baby when he was here, so I am going on with my life as if he won't be a part of it. I am not contacting him, he has contacted me a couple times to ask about the baby, and myself, how I'm doing/feeling. He will even ask about my life, it is very confusing at times. It is about 2 weeks in between contacts from him. I have been the bigger person in this and could go off on him, I certainly do in my head, but I know it won't get me anywhere. He says he wants to be in the baby's life and wants to be there at the birth. As of now, I am telling him that he can be there, it is for the baby, and that's what matters. I know that he is back with her, but he lies and says she still won't talk with him. I know the rule is believe nothing of what they say, so we will see what happens even with the baby. My friends and family will be at the hospital to support me, I know he will feel uncomfortable being around them, oh well, his choices!
I am busy getting ready for the baby, and doing my best to GAL, I have been super busy lately and just try to find things to do when I don't have anything to do. I am nervous about what the dynamic will be like when the baby comes. If he is going to visit, he will be visiting the baby at my house, with me there, not necessarily in the same room, but that's a good possibility for at least a couple months. I guess that could be a good thing, depending on how you look at it.
Anyway, thanks for any input you have on my current sitch. Heading to Chicago later to have another baby shower, this time with my in laws, who are not at all in support of his behavior and fully support me and the baby. So, I might not update or respond until I come home after the weekend.
Married- 1y8m Together- 7.5y M- 37 H- 31 S- 4 months not wanting to work on things bomb- 4/15/18 left home- 5/5/18 Moved in with OW a week after leaving
Glad to hear you are doing well! Sorry to hear about the in-and-out from your H, but that's to be expected. He came back too soon and did not do any of the work he needs to do. I'd say chances are good he'll be back again so here are some suggestions:
1. DO NOT let him just move back in on a moment's notice. He needs to learn you don't have a revolving door that he can use whenever. He also needs to learn that he could lose you.
2. Prepare a list of requirements before he can move back in. The minimum on that list should be IC and MC sessions BEFORE he moves back. Another item should be TOTAL TRANSPARENCY meaning you can look at his phone whenever you want without warning. If he cries about it then explain he's given up his right to be trusted and he has to rebuild that trust through transparency.
3. Insist that he write a letter, email or text to OW ending things and telling her he is committed to you, and make him send it while you are watching.
If he REALLY wants to come back he will be willing to do all of this and more. Like you said there needs to be remorse on his part and he is not there yet, he has to hit bottom and he hasn't. Hitting bottom usually doesn't happen until after they realize they've probably lost their LBS for good.
So sorry for all this strife you've had to go through while pregnant, that's just an awful story! I totally agree with AnotherStander -- so many people on this board have had waywards temporarily return and are quick to declare "piecing" when in fact its just a temporary stay of execution for the relationship.
The problem with pursuit is that you put yourself in a position to be devalued. You're telling the person that they can have you back at any time and for no effort. People don't value things that are freely given, they like things they have to work for and earn. When H can return to you with little to no effort, he won't value you from the moment he returns, its just a situation of convenience for him.
Your H definitely needs to understand that you have moved on from him and that he *cannot* come back until he earns his way back. Until that happens, you'll see the same pattern where he might temperature check you from time to time, or return with no commitment when it suits him and then bounce out again. There's no consequence for that behavior, he has nothing to lose by doing so because he knows you will continue to take him back.
In short, he won't come back to stay and be motivated to do the work until he believes he can't come back. He won't believe he can't come back until YOU believe you don't want him back. That levels the playing field for a new relationship to start where one of you isn't "one down" to begin with.
In addition, you need to be good with yourself without him -- you need to be happy and confident. You need to be the best "you" you can be, you need to lead a life that anyone would want to share. If you can do that, then he'll be lucky to have you because you are the prize to be won.
The challenge, therefore, has really nothing to do with him or what he thinks, feels or does, and everything to do with what do YOU need to do to be happy, excited about life, and the best person you can be?
Focus on that.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Othstr, you're a strong and brave woman to go through pregnancy under these circumstances. Your baby deserves to have the best possible arrival into the world and it sounds like you're trying to offer that. It's so sad that this is the happiest time in most couples' lives and you can't get to have the same happy joyful experience together with your husband but your baby will love you unconditionally and you'll love him or her unconditionally as well. FYI - babies love to sleep with their moms so maybe it's not such a bad thing if your husband isn't around. You'll be tired but you'll have your baby to hold so you won't be alone!
I was just reading up on your sitch and wanted to express how sorry I am that you are going through this right now. I also want to congratulate you on your pregnancy. I am new to all this myself and learning as I go much like yourself. Going back a few posts you had asked about the 7 year itch. I think it is a very real thing and going back a bit in my sitch things started going down hill right after the 7 year mark and reached there peak at the 8 year point. One thing I picked up on in your last post is the Dr. appointments and all that surrounds bringing a baby into the world.
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Now for the H. I rarely talk to him, but I have sent him updates after my Dr appts. He is so cold, although less cold than he was at the beginning of all of this, but I asked him on Friday if he even wants the updates, he responded, yes, I sure do. So, I will continue with them. He is supposed to come to my next appt, July 13. I told him the date when I made the appt, he said he would make it. I am not planning on reminding him, but making alternative arrangements for someone else to go with me in case he doesn't show, as per my DB coach, so we shall see. He says he wants to be in the baby's life, but he isn't really acting like it.
This is a tough situation for you either way and I'm not 100% sure how to handle it but I think some of this could be a way to further detach. Regardless of H showing up or not I would still arrange for someone else to be there to support you. If H does show up seeing that you have support from others might be a good thing. I don't want this to sound in any way like I am suggesting using the baby as leverage but I also feel that not being overly forth coming with updates after Dr. appts may be a good idea. Advise him that you have appointments but I wouldn't follow up after the appointment. Him claiming to want to be in the baby's life is great but he really needs to make an effort and show that. He needs to be the one calling you and asking for updates. Pardon me for saying this but it takes a real POS to walk out on his pregnant spouse and he needs to feel that and all the shame that should come along with his actions.
