The distancing thing is hard on my heart but I can do this! I now let my son hang up the phone instead of me taking it to say a few friendly words with my husband at the end of their nightly bedtime calls.
Yesterday he texted me a little while after their call to wish me happy mothers day and told me that he feels like a dirt bag saying it considering the circumstances of his actions but he wanted me to know that I'm a great mom. I thought about it and just gave a polite "thank you" in reply and left it at that.
Today he came over and I was prepared to go out to go to some shops and kept my small conversation with him ONLY about our son although he was worried when I said I had cleaned up glass and blood from where I dropped a jar and cut my foot so to be careful in the kitchen. I avoided his questions on my foot by just saying that our son is fine and all the glass is cleaned up. When I came home after our son was in bed I was talking on my phone with a pal and when I came upstairs he looked a little upset and was rubbing his eyes. I did not ask if he was alright, I just thanked him cheerfully when he told me that he gave our son his bath and got his lunch ready for the next day. He then sighed and said he was going to come by tomorrow night as he was prepping to leave. I said alright and then headed upstairs to go say goodnight to my kiddo as my husband finished getting his shoes on to leave. I did not walk him to the door as I normally do. I looked out the window as he was walking away and noticed he was walking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.
I'm proud of me for being strong and not feeling sad for myself as he left. I wish he'd be over this MLC and come home but I just cant take this roller coaster ride anymore and I need to take care of me and my boy.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/14/1803:56 PM. Reason: threads merged
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
I had a therapy session today that went so/so. She told me that maybe it's time I start asking H about his mixed signals.
I'm scared to hear the replies but I'm just so confused due to his mixed signals. He shares things excitedly regarding things he knows I love, acts upset and quiet when he leaves the house to go back to his apartment, was concerned when I didn't pick up the phone then came over thinking I had hurt myself.
Then he is distant and aloof. He waits til he is about to leave the house sometimes to bring up things that upset me.
I hate this MLC and I'm ready to ask him what the deal is with his mixed signals regarding acting hurt to leave at night like he doesn't want to go back to his place. Is this a nono to do regarding distance and should I ignore the mixed signals and not question them to him?
Some days I have patience and can handle this, but for a few days now I feel so weak and pathetic and cant stop crying. I feel lost.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
So I talked to him tonight and asked him if he talked to our son about his new apartment since hes taken him to see it. He says he told our boy that it's "daddy's room".
I told him that I feel like hes giving some mixed signals since he looked like a beaten dog and sad when he leaves the house a lot of the time and he told me that he still wants to go through with the D and that its "just a sad time".
He has so many issues under his belt like death of his brother, he's basically his family's main caregiver, work,money issues, etc. I told him at my therapy session, the therapist says that she is concerned for him as well and asked me if he would sit in on a session with me. I told her I'd ask him and he said he would go for my issues, not his.
I told him I think we need a better schedule where he comes around less often because I can't handle him coming around every night to see our son, staying for 45 minutes and then leaving.
I did ask him via text just now if he took his favorite wedding pic with him when he left the house to go to his apartment. I'm pretty sure he has it but I dont know what the point would be to have a photo of us in our wedding clothes at his place.
If anyone has an opinion or some wise words to give, I'd appreciate it. This is not my husband, I was starting to feel good about myself again and now I feel so low again.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
So I got a reply on the wedding photo question. He says he may have taken it by accident because it could have been in a pile of things on his nightstand. It was not, and I don't believe him for a second.
I told him that its best if he just comes by on the weekends to get our son or when he takes him for the weekend. This coming over every night isnt helping me right now and I need to think things through on my own.
I don't know who to talk besides my therapist to so I've been posting here like a journal I suppose.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
I think it would be best for you to go NC. Read the threads on detachment. It also wouldn't hurt for you to read the pursuit/distance threads too. Asking about the wedding pic was pursuit IMO. Let him be and give him space. Eventually, his mixed signals will go in one direction or the other...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
JLH, quit making new threads. It's very confusing for us to follow when people constantly make new threads as we can't go back and read up on your sitch. You're not supposed to make a new thread until your original one hits 100 posts, then you make a new one and link to the old one so we can go back and read. Hopefully Cadet will come along and combine your 3 threads into one.
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I told him that I feel like hes giving some mixed signals since he looked like a beaten dog and sad when he leaves the house a lot of the time and he told me that he still wants to go through with the D and that its "just a sad time".
Quit asking him. Asking is pressure, and he doesn't want any pressure right now. The more you ask the more resolute he will become that D is the answer. But if you remove the pressure he may very well not push for it anymore.
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He has so many issues under his belt like death of his brother, he's basically his family's main caregiver, work,money issues, etc. I told him at my therapy session, the therapist says that she is concerned for him as well and asked me if he would sit in on a session with me. I told her I'd ask him and he said he would go for my issues, not his.
You can't fix him. Not a good idea to bring him into your counseling session.
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I told him I think we need a better schedule where he comes around less often because I can't handle him coming around every night to see our son, staying for 45 minutes and then leaving.
I think that's completely reasonable. Come up with a schedule you can live with, document it and send it to him.
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I did ask him via text just now if he took his favorite wedding pic with him when he left the house to go to his apartment.
Why? Quit asking him about stuff like that, I think you are just looking for reasons to contact him. Leave him alone, he needs time and space more than anything right now.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/17/1804:44 AM. Reason: threads merged
Question, how do I go about distancing when there is a child involved?
I try to talk only about our son or house issues, etc and I never ask about him. Is this how the distancing works? Im reading the books and forums but I haven't seen anything on what to do where children are involved.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
I'm so sorry to read of everything you're going through. If you read my thread you'll see some similarities. I'm still figuring things out on my end regarding distancing but it seems you're on the right track. I personally think the focus should be on keeping things as normal and peaceful as possible for the child. That might mean a polite "hi, how are you? Nice to see you...." When your husband comes to get your child or a simple exchange without unnecessary questions or discussions.
Question, how do I go about distancing when there is a child involved?
I try to talk only about our son or house issues, etc and I never ask about him. Is this how the distancing works? Im reading the books and forums but I haven't seen anything on what to do where children are involved.
I agree with Nicole's comments. Distancing just means pulling back and giving him time and space. It means quit pursuing, quit calling and texting, quit asking about the M. Just leave him be. But when you do see him for kid exchanges and such, then yes by all means be cordial. The saying around here is "treat him like a friendly neighbor". So you're not trying to -avoid- him per se, you're just not going out of your way to contact him. Does that make sense?
