So, yesterday I noticed my Ws paycheck which posted Wed seemed rapidly depleted. Last week she took $1200 out of savings without mentioning. Now I say this because it triggered suspicion, but first, you have to understand that the point is that these things are not a large cause for alarm, but just a bit unusual based on history. So, I decided to confront W in the least accusative way possible. The $1200 she claimed she paid toward D18 school and this weeks pay she said had got eaten up by health insurance etc.. She responded in a nondefensive way and I tend to believe her. I also asked her if she had any accounts that I was unaware of and if she was stockpiling funds elsewhere. She said no and looked me directly in the eye and didn't seem to be hiding anything nor defensive. Sure she could be becoming a better lier. I don't think so. She seemed transparent and willing to disclose.
What does this mean? IDK
Does she still plan on making an exit? Who knows?
Is she continuing to demonstrate respect and consideration on and ongoing basis? Absolutely!
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Last week she took $1200 out of savings without mentioning.
RR17,
You need to take care of your financial stuff ASAP because money will continue disappearing.
One day, back when I was still married, I noticed $10k missing. I asked my wife about it and her casual response was that she needed to put some money in her account. No big deal. That evening, I noticed another $3K was transferred. I asked about that, and she had yet another excuse; it was casual, no big deal. After that second transfer, I decided to open an account and do a transfer of my own. She hit the roof.
Your wife will drain you dry and leave you with little or nothing. Get ahead of your financial stuff right now. Life is a lot easier if you've got some cash on hand; you'll need it when the lawyers get involved.
RR17, that would raise my suspicion as well. But I guess time will tell. I'll keep praying for you guys and for her heart to soften.
I will say that the payment to D18's school is easily verifiable. But that is up to you. I probably would follow up on it but I can't tell you that you should.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I understand, I do. I wouldn't have shared it if it weren't a cause for concern. If I lock down the savings, stuff will surely hit the fan. For now, I plan to keep a keen eye on things.
I am going to verify the college payment and further look through her recent spending. She makes good money in a small company and if she wants to hide money she could. She gets paid weekly with bonuses, reimbursements monthly. If she covers her share of the bill and stashes hidden savings this is the worst I would expect from her.
I'd still like to know as we are still married and I don't hide money.
After my last post, I spoke to her on her way out the door. I had plans for dinner tonight that are weather permitting. Coupled with Memorial weekend Friday traffic I told her they may change I could let her know. She had expressed that she would probably drive out and eat with her parents. I shared that I would know by 2pm at the latest. Should I let her know or did she just want to plan on doing separate things? She said, no, please let her know.
I know it is imposable to know what these little incidences really mean. I know that W may be appeasing me to make things easier. But I also have 20 years experience with this person and she honestly seems to want to spend time together. Years ago during her A it wasn't the same. She doesn't or should I say hasn't done the duel life stuff very well. Anyway, who knows?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
No way to know for sure RR. I'll admit that the money thing is a bit of a red flag, and that her being nice and showing respect could be act until she's out of the house.
Or there may be nothing to the money thing, it could be exactly what she said it was, and she could really be turning back to the MR and wanting to spend time with the new and improved RR!
To be honest, I would say until you know otherwise to assume the latter. I Corinthians 13:5 says that Love thinketh no evil. Meaning that love dictates that we think the best of the people we love. So just operate like the latter is the case, until you know different.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
One big difference now is a lack of an air of self-entitlement. Sure she could be getting better at hiding it but I find it hard to believe.
Trust, yet verify.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Not only is she more considerate and respectful, she handles criticism much better. She doesn't take everything personally. Not in an "I'm so out'a here" kind of way. More like an I'm going to try to stop and consider what I'm hearing and not react, but respond, kind of way.
Sometimes you don't see the faults or degree of the toxicity until the pressures are gone. I think this applies to both.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
RR - one of the things I've heard in IC is that we are wired so that we let our past dictate what are future expectations of the person are. A simple gesture or expression can trigger a negative impulse in our spouse. It is at these moments that we have to stop then BREATHE and the objectively assess each situation based on it's present merits. Not falling to the default mode with is often negative. I hope your situation turns out well. Stay positive- stay well!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Does anyone else have these days where you are ready to throw in the towel?
Not the "I feel so out of control and don't see a way out" kind of feelings, but the "I can't believe she has put us through this. Perhaps I am better off without her" kinds of feelings?
Yes, that's how I woke up this morning.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
