Hello, I'm new here. :)

[Cadet]

You'll get more replies if you pose questions. Journaling is great, and I use my threads for that too, but you'll get more traffic with questions. Also, you can post from day 1 on other people's threads. That also increases more traffic as other people will want to read your thread and comment.

Thanks! I was told I can only comment on my original post until I hit 100 comments. I guess that's why nobody sees my questions I've been putting only here.

That means that you stay on this thread before you start a new thread, however you can post on other peoples threads to give them support and learn things.

Sorry you are confused about this point.

[Jlh]

You'll get more replies if you pose questions. Journaling is great, and I use my threads for that too, but you'll get more traffic with questions. Also, you can post from day 1 on other people's threads. That also increases more traffic as other people will want to read your thread and comment.

Thanks! I was told I can only comment on my original post until I hit 100 comments. I guess that's why nobody sees my questions I've been putting only here.

That means that you stay on this thread before you start a new thread, however you can post on other peoples threads to give them support and learn things.

Sorry you are confused about this point.

So I changed my subject title for a question I have if that's ok. What do I do if a family member on H's side is just a real mess, needs therapy and is causing H a bit of stress that added to his already piled up issues. Do I just say "I'm sorry that's happening to you" and continue GALing and taking care of me and our child, or is it ok to be an ear to listen when he vents. He told me before the big BD that he didn't like talking to me about his family issues due to me judging and not being supportive, but as of late he's been filling me in on everything and it's a doozy for him. Should I stop being the ear and continue distancing, because I have a feeling someone will tell me that asking him and talking about his family will just be pursuing and it's not exactly that, I just care about a lot of his family still and worry.

[ruhappy]

Personally if he reaches out to you listen and use the validation cheat sheet. Do not check ask or call him. My spouse Mother text me daily to say good morning and wishes me well so I simply return being cordial. When you truly love someone you want them to be healthy and happy with or without you so no matter what happens be cordial take the high road and take care of working on you.

[arsh18]

Hi JLH,

Personally if he reaches out to you listen and use the validation cheat sheet. Do not check ask or call him.

I agree with this, from whatever I have read here and the DB /DR books, validation seems to be the key. I am still working on it for my own sitch, the validation cheat sheet seems to have a lot of options, I have picked a few of items that go well with my style of speaking and try using those when H wants to talk at all.

When you truly love someone you want them to be healthy and happy with or without you so no matter what happens be cordial take the high road and take care of working on you.

That is so well put ruhappy, all of us LBSs want to hold on to the MR because that is the happiness we have known so long. I hope I can reach the frame of mind to see it this way, be happy and let be happy.
Good luck jlh, you seem to be doing well, and yes it is the worst, most painful, torturous unhappiness ever.

[Jlh]

Thanks for the tips! I listen with a sympathetic ear when he vents but from now on I'll stop asking him and let him bring it up if he wants to.

[Jlh]

I don't know what stage this is for a LBS but I'm starting to get annoyed with how H is so casual regarding when he speaks to me. He also tells me when he's coming by and up until now I thought I was ok with it, but he will tell me a time, come by later or earlier than he says, stay long enough to tuck our son in bed and then he leaves, usually not before making small talk with me for a bit.

My question is, is it usual for MLC spouses to act so carefree and casual regarding how they act and speak to the LBS This is ridiculous. I'm polite and everything but he comes int he door and waits for me to greet him first if I'm in the living room of kitchen and hear him come in. I'm trying to be patient but I need some space too. This telling me he's coming by in a bossy tone and then asking meekly afterward it its alright to come over like I'll bite his head off is getting old. I'm not keeping his kid from him at all and when I do try to talk to him he clams up and practically runs out the door to not talk about anything. I just want to know about visitation plans.

I just don't get this guy at all, is this typical behavior for MLCers? One minute he wants to talk to me and then next he acts like I'm a stranger who will do anything to avoid me. We have a kid together and I cant just ignore him but it's hard to distance when he's acting like this.

[Jlh]

I recently wrote up my boundaries and H and I agreed on visitations with our son. He will come over after work every Tuesday and Thursday to take him out for a bit to his place or dinner, etc, and he has him every other weekend.

My question is, regarding distancing and last resort technique is this enough space still seeing him during the drop-off pickups on the weekdays every week and this seems like a fair time for him to visit given HE left us and our home. I explained that this is an easier thing for me to do it this way given my feelings are still in shambles to which he interrupts me and says, "I get it, I totally get it." I'm not trying to plead with him or anything, I was just explaining the rules and why this works for me and he cuts me off.

It's like he has to be the one in control. If I try to speak he gets defensive, yet he's allowed to run off and do what he wants and stay mysterious.

[Davide]

Sounds like you have a good plan in place for visitation.

You need to keep working on detaching from him. Don't try to explain anything to him. Don't remind him that he left, he already knows this.

I think it was Steve85 who wrote this.

The key to DBing is to 1) prepare yourself no matter what the future holds 2) remove all pursuit and pressure from the WAS to try to coax them to get curious about why that went away and come looking 3) to not remind them of what they have stated they want or how they feel

I feel like that is a great encapsulation of what you need to be doing. (me too)

[Jlh]

Regarding detaching, am I just thinking too hard about it? I feel like i need to be out of sight at all times form him to detach but basically it's just being cordial yet mysterious?

Yesterday when I gave him my list of boundaries he looked surprised and taken back a bit and was rather quiet after we went over them together. I had left the room to go take out the trash and clean the kitchen while he sat with our son but he was quieter than usual when he comes over.

Then today he texts me asking for a revision to the boundaries which I agreed on and then said that he wanted to set a time to come get more of his things. He always drops more info like that at the end of conversations, it's like his last word to say these things before he hangs up and I'm tired of it. I just acknowledge them politely and then say my goodbyes, but then after that nothing comes of his remarks, he still has yet to move everything out of the house and when he does he asks me. Its HIS stuff he's moving out yet he asks me, it's just odd.

[Davide]

Have you read the detachment thread? I have to keep reading it over and over to really grasp all of it. You can detach emotionally even if you are seeing each other every day. I think that space and time apart probably help speed it up, but I dont think they are strictly necessary. It is all about giving him the space to be him, and focusing on yourself. You can still be friendly and probably should be, but so long as your emotions are ruled by him than you arent detached.

At least for me it is really easy to be polite and friendly but distant. It is easy to not initiate contact and not to pursue. It is easy to not outwardly react to my Ws texts or emails. But the true test of detachment is whether or not I am allowing those interactions to affect me inwardly. Am I still internalizing her coldness or rejection. Getting to the place of no inward reaction, I think is the ultimate goal of detachment.