Yep. Hang in there. Yesterday was that day for me. Just remember that the bad days will pass. Some days you just need to do what you have to in order to survive. Post here. Reach out to folks to talk to. Find distractions that work for you. You can do it.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
RR we are all here for each other. This by far is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. There will be obstacles in our journey. We need to stay focused and stay calm and stay positive. When things feel crappy - immerse yourself in something that makes you feel real good. A good movie- a good book- a good friend. Just do something tat will make your soul smile. Stay well!!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I'll take these feelings over those of hopelessness. There is a certain encouragement in knowing that things will never be as they were and that you now better see where they were wrong. Both in myself and the W as well as the dynamic.
In a way it's part of detachment, I believe.
Yea, I want things to work out. But if they don't I'll be just fine. New opportunities will arise.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Haven't posted in over a week so I thought I'd touch base.
Well, May came and went and W didn't move out nor did she show any signs of movement in that direction. Not until last night, but I'll get back to this.
Meanwhile, except for any romantic show of affection, W has seemed happy and things have been peaceful. She has been showing respect and courtesy and a continuation of the positive behaviors that I have described recently. Sex has been much less frequent, but it has happened.
Although I have stopped snooping, I have seen very little sign of any OM. Once in a while, something will trigger suspicion but I just pay attention, try to give the benefit of a doubt and it goes away. If there is something going on it is very different than last time as she doesn't seem to be primping, working out or in that "selfish fog" that was evident 5 years ago when she was preparing for an actual meet up with her EA partner. She has put on a few lbs and I believe that she would be more concerned if she had an OM.
So about last night. A little background first. W has a good job and makes good money. First 12 years of M she was a stay at home mom and I supported financially. Supported quite well until the recession and my industry changed and we were forced to live off of savings and retirement and although we didn't suffer total financial ruin, we did make major adjustments to lifestyle to maintain the most important parts. Good schools etc. (as I'm sure many of you have similar experiences). Fast forward to now and although much of my industry has recovered there are many changes and making money is trickier and sometimes far between. Thank goodness W was able to find a great fit with regular paydays. I still make more but it can be long coming. Anyway Last night while looking at her account she was a purchase I made for nonessentials from her account. She usually loads a petty account for me and that is what I use. This week the funding hadn't happened and I used her account. We are talking less than $100. So just prior to going to bed in our separate rooms, I guess she noticed and went ballistic. Ranted about how I needed to make some changes and how she couldn't keep this boat afloat. For once I just listened and said "I'm sorry". Nothing else. She continued and unlike usual I didn't defend my action I just let her go off. This seems her only way to communicate her dissatisfaction. Bottle it up and eventually explode. Usually, I engage the fight and come back with facts and logic until she gets dismissive and walks out. Not this time. I refused to fight. I apologized, more than once and just let her vent. Now there's a 180.
Was the outburst really about a few dollars? Who knows? Is it a sign of change in the air? Who knows? Perhaps she was just due.
Either way, although I did lose sleep over it last night, I'm planning our next encounters so that I proceed in a methodic manner and don't let my ego and emotions get the best. Advice and incite appreciated.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Oh, one more thing. I plan to use this outburst to establish boundaries. Something like: "If you want to discuss finances, I'd be happy to sit down at a reasonable time and in a civilize fashion" now here is where I get stuck. As for an effect. I can't find the words that don't sound accusative and most likely incite defensiveness.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Color me shocked on the moving thing. I knew she wouldn't actually move. It was a pipedream
RR, good job on the 180. That sounds huge. I am also stuck on how to set a boundary on that. I almost would say just let it lie for now. Maybe it was a one off incident and she won't repeat. If it does happen again, then that will give you the opportunity to say something like "please do not speak to me in that fashion. I am sorry you are upset, and I will gladly discuss it with you rationally when you can do so civilly." Be calm and friendly when you say it.
Hopefully someone else will weigh in with better advice.
"Well, May came and went and W didn't move out nor did she show any signs of movement in that direction. Not until last night, but I'll get back to this."
Did she address this in her ranting over the spending? I don't see where you got back to the subject of her moving out.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No mention of moving. I can only wonder if it would have if I would have engaged the fight. This is first outburst or even show of anger in months.
I think the fact that it didn't come up says a lot. But I still don't know for sure.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So get this. W funded my petty account. Comes home from being all sweet and says that she is about to quit her job. Then we walk to get dinner. On the way home her voice started cracking and she nearly shed a tear. She almost never cries. I asked her what was wrong and she just said she had a lot on her shoulders. I wondered if I should put my arm around her but I didn't. She snapped out and was fine.
I need to pull back and gain some detachment.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So get this. W funded my petty account. Comes home from being all sweet and says that she is about to quit her job. Then we walk to get dinner. On the way home her voice started cracking and she nearly shed a tear. She almost never cries. I asked her what was wrong and she just said she had a lot on her shoulders. I wondered if I should put my arm around her but I didn't. She snapped out and was fine.
I need to pull back and gain some detachment.
Very interesting update! RR I really believe that has May turned into June the reality of everything is starting to hit her. And she is realizing that her pipe dream is just that. Talking about quitting her job is the exact opposite of moving out in 5/18! And her showing emotion is a clear sign that she may be coming back to MR. WAWs/WWs do not go back on their declarations lightly. It is difficult for them to go from "I am done, I am out of here" to "I want to work on things, I want to stay". Changing their mind like that is often slow, and emotionally draining for them. Initially there may even be some "I am stuck here" depression that they have to work through.
But keep up the great work RR! You are DBing well.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
