Very interesting update! RR I really believe that has May turned into June the reality of everything is starting to hit her. And she is realizing that her pipe dream is just that. Talking about quitting her job is the exact opposite of moving out in 5/18! And her showing emotion is a clear sign that she may be coming back to MR. WAWs/WWs do not go back on their declarations lightly. It is difficult for them to go from "I am done, I am out of here" to "I want to work on things, I want to stay". Changing their mind like that is often slow, and emotionally draining for them. Initially there may even be some "I am stuck here" depression that they have to work through.
But keep up the great work RR! You are DBing well.
It's taken a while to get to this point. If there is a lesson to be learned, it's follow the rules. Work to get your masculine swagger back. Threat the W like you would when you were single and just some woman did this crap to you. Tell them what you would like to see happen (lighthouse) and pull away. Limit your interactions. Stay mysterious yet pleasant. Avoid confrontation.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So I found out that W recently changed her email password. At first, I blew it off as no big deal. There could be a legitimate reason. She told me,.. when I asked if she had changed any other passwords because I was having trouble logging in to a bank account. She also got mad for being accused. I didn't accuse her. I asked her.
When she got mad on the phone and then became dismissive. I sent the following texts.
M: "In case you haven't realized it, I fight suspicion every day. This is not an exaggeration. I do. Sometimes it is something you do or say. Sometimes it is completely unjustified. But it shows its face every day. If I didn't openly accuse you it is because I didn't choose to. If I didn't choose the right words, I guess I didn't think you had anything to hide."
"Refusing to restore or at least try to restore my trust, comes with baggage. Leaving it to me to simply decide that I am going to will myself to trust that you aren't still plotting behind my back has taken a lot of self control. A whole lot. I'm telling you this because I don't think you even considered it. I know you have been through a lot. I know that you are struggling with stuff at work. If I don't accuse you of something and you feel accused, I'm not the [censored]. And like you, I don't like to be falsely accused."
Yeah, I know I probably should have suffered in silence, but sometimes feeling just slip out.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
She never responded to the texts (not unusual). she made dinner last night and the evening was typical with no mention. After dinner, my D15 asked if she and I could go for a ride. So we were gone until about an hour before bed.
Now I'm awake at 2am and thinking about the email password change. In the past when I have seen or heard things and blown them off only for the thought to pop up later, there has turned out to be something behind it.
An idea has popped into my head and appears to be staying. I've decided to put it out here before I give it too much more thought. Any helpful opinions are welcome.
First off I realize that I have to be willing to go forward with it and I am. I am seriously thinking about calmly asking her if we could meet outside the home sometime this weekend to discuss things.
The just of the conversation would go like this. (Obviously all calm):
I have been waiting and wondering for 6 months if you planned to move out and take my children in May. Now May has come and gone and you are still here. Not even a word or update from you. During these 6 months, I have done some thinking and I have reached some conclusions I would like to share. Thinking back, I don't think you were ever that "In Love" with me. I think you were ready to settle down and I was there. We had 2 kids and you poured your love into them. 10 years later you no longer need me. You started looking for someone that you were actually really wild about.
Either way, we were a team and did it together and for that, I will always have a respect for you. We have 2 great daughters.
If in fact, you still want to go. Let's start planning how we can split in a way that doesn't have to be ugly and we can both get started living our lives....... (obviously, there will be more, but you get the point)
I have never been so ready to have this talk. Detachment does this to you. I would have to be prepared emotionally and commit to never lose my cool regardless of what W comes back with.
I know that ultimately I have to make this decision. I just want to run it past y'all before I pull the trigger. As said before any helpful input is welcome. I hope that some of the experts that I may have miffed in the past might chime in
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
RR - I'm here for support and wish you well but one of the things that I'm told is to not ask the question unless you are prepared for the answer. Wishing the best outcome- Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Your situation is a tough one. I cant imagine living together so long in that state. You are a strong person!
At this point, I think I would be ready to have that conversation as well. However, that is completely personal and up to you. If you think you are ready for a divorce do it. If you still have any doubts or uneasiness I wouldnt do it because it seems like a sign you arent truly there yet.
Good luck either way!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thinking back, I don't think you were ever that "In Love" with me. I think you were ready to settle down and I was there. We had 2 kids and you poured your love into them. 10 years later you no longer need me. You started looking for someone that you were actually really wild about.[/b]
Bad move dude. Does this paragraph say RR is a fuching awesome catch and you are lucky to have me?
You are looking for pity from her. If you are done then be done and file. If not, keep moving forward.
RR, the big question is do you want a D? IF you do, then have the talk. If you do not, then do not.
The lighthouse wants R, is standing there ready to R. Yes it doesn't move itself, it wants for the WAW to come to it. But the point of being a lighthouse is to be there when the WAW comes back the MR and is ready to work.
So the answer to the above question is everything. It is within your right to do that. But understand that having this conversation with her will a) put her on the defensive b) regress on any progress you have made c) increase the probably of you Ding.
I would suggest highly to reconsider. I said she will be defensive. Likely she is embarrassed that she didn't live up to her threat (moving out in May). This will cause her to retreat (this conversation will be pressure, no doubt, and the WAW/WW shrinks from pressure. This will result in her moving back towards leaving assuming she has moved away from it.
RR, the email PW thing is troubling, I won't defend it. But does it have to mean everything? Do you want to blow up the whole thing over it? Can you just let it lie for now, continue working hard on DBing like you have been, and see where things go? Or pull the pin on the grenade and throw it into the middle of the MR?
All of this is predicated on the first question, do you want a D?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks, for the quick responses. If I'm going to do this, this weekend, I need to decide soon. I don't think pulling this grenade assures D. I don't. I can do this and still be the lighthouse. Why not. Fact is I am tired of living with the threat. I am tired of living in limbo. If she is cheating again? I already said that was a deal breaker,..and I am a man of my word.
Originally Posted By: LH19
Originally Posted By: RR17
Thinking back, I don't think you were ever that "In Love" with me. I think you were ready to settle down and I was there. We had 2 kids and you poured your love into them. 10 years later you no longer need me. You started looking for someone that you were actually really wild about.[/b]
Bad move dude. Does this paragraph say RR is a fuching awesome catch and you are lucky to have me?
You are looking for pity from her. If you are done then be done and file. If not, keep moving forward.
LH19, Lol. RR17 is a fuching awesome catch. That doesn't mean that she felt I was the love of her life. At the time we got married I was a career building rock star. Still, rock stars connect with people that don't truly rock their world. Yes I'm reading into this but I do believe that once the girls were born, that is where she focused her love. If she thought I was such an awesome catch, she wouldn't risk losing me now, right?
I'm really not looking for pity. I am ready to force her hand. Read it again imagining an a mater of fact, I don't give a fuch attitude. (It's hard to convey tone in written context)
LW, thanks for your support. I trust that one day you will see my advices to you as constructive. They come from nothing but concern. Participation Trophies offer positive reinforcement. Losing is where growth and real lessons are learned.
Quote:
RR, the big question is do you want a D? IF you do, then have the talk. If you do not, then do not.
The lighthouse wants R, is standing there ready to R. Yes it doesn't move itself, it wants for the WAW to come to it. But the point of being a lighthouse is to be there when the WAW comes back the MR and is ready to work.
So the answer to the above question is everything. It is within your right to do that. But understand that having this conversation with her will a) put her on the defensive b) regress on any progress you have made c) increase the probably of you Ding.
I would suggest highly to reconsider. I said she will be defensive. Likely she is embarrassed that she didn't live up to her threat (moving out in May). This will cause her to retreat (this conversation will be pressure, no doubt, and the WAW/WW shrinks from pressure. This will result in her moving back towards leaving assuming she has moved away from it.
RR, the email PW thing is troubling, I won't defend it. But does it have to mean everything? Do you want to blow up the whole thing over it? Can you just let it lie for now, continue working hard on DBing like you have been, and see where things go? Or pull the pin on the grenade and throw it into the middle of the MR?
All of this is predicated on the first question, do you want a D?
Steve85, Always appreciate your perspective. Do I want a D? No, but I am ready for whatever is next. I have tolerated limbo for too long. I am done wondering what the EM PW change means. I slept about 4 hours last night and I'm tired of losing sleep over her crap.
I have begun fantasizing about what being single again looks like, and it ain't too bad. Why not do it before I turn 60?
If I do this, I will work some Lighthouse clause into the speech. "If you decide you truly want to try to reconcile, I am here. "
Quote:
So the answer to the above question is everything. It is within your right to do that. But understand that having this conversation with her will a) put her on the defensive b) regress on any progress you have made c) increase the probably of you Ding
Yes, she will be defensive. That's okay I don't think it will regress any progress. I know it will increase the chance. I'm aware. I don't think it assures D.
You said something to the effect that once her deadline came and went she probably realized the reality of it all. Well, one thing this will do is serve up a big dose of reality. Remeber I am approaching this with a very matter of fact attitude. No sadness. No blame. Just shyt or get off the pot; and I'm prepared for whichever you choose.
If you decide you want to try to reconcile, I am here.
If You Want To Take The Island - Burn the Friggin Boats
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
If you are truly ready to file which I think you are BSing yourself I would say something like this:
W we have been sleeping in separate beds now for almost a year. I understand this has been very difficult for you but I can no longer live my life in limbo anymore. I love you and I adore you and I would really like for us to get into counseling and work this out. Listen carefully to her response and validate when necessary. If she agrees to counseling excellent! If not you file.
You have to be congruent with your words. No lighthouse BS I will be waiting as plan B.
I just want to warn you ahead of time 10 times out of ten you are not going to get the answer you are looking for.
