Glad you're still making progress. What I wouldn't give to be in your shoes!!!...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
mtb, thanks, and I know you would. But as AS and others say that success isn't always R. Sometimes success is being able to move on with dignity.
There was a lot of things in play, set up over the last 2 decades, that led to my R. I was lucky as not all of those things were in my control. I'll give you one example, my W can count on half of one hand the number of times she has drank alcohol. She has an alcohol intolerance (she refers to it as an allergy). Imagine how different your sitch would be if that was the case with your W.
So I am very fortunate for many things in my sitch that helped that others may not have the good fortune of having in theirs.
But also being able to finally be okay moving on even in the face of D was really what turned things around. That is why I am such an advocate for self differentiation (aka detachment). It is an imperative, and it something I see you getting better and better each step of the way. So keep up the good work. You will be setup well for a new MR in the future, whether that is with your W or someone else.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'd like to address a subject another poster brought up in their thread. i was on mobile at the time and didn't have the time to respond. I can't remember which thread it was in or which poster asked the question. But here was the gist of the question:
Is there anything to WAWs and milestones birthdays. Are women in the 9's of a decade more likely to be walkaway?
My answer? Absolutely. This is not to say that ALL WAWs are facing an impending milestone birthday, but for Ws that are unhappy, and that hit 29, 39, or 49, or 59..... It is a time for self reflection and the idea that "my life is passing me by and I have to do what makes me happy!". Obviously that kind of thinking can happen at any age, but look at the number of newbies that come here with WWs that are 29 or 30. 39 or 40. 49 or 50.
There is also a lot of clinical evidence around this phenomenon. Read a lot of articles right after BD that suggested that 49 is a very dangerous age. Lots of clinicians talking about clients leaving families at 49 for that final "chance at life".
In my sitch, my wife's impending 50th birthday was a major catalyst. She mentioned it all the time. Dreaded it. Then magically after turning 50 she returned to pretty much her old self. Both in good and some bad ways. However, I've been firm on not going back to our previous MR. That is why we are still in MC, and working on things.
But anyway, while it isn't necessarily a requirement, I think the 9s of decade for a W's age definitely could be a catalyst for walkaway and/or wayward syndrome.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It is just a catalyst and is in no way responsible for what happened. The reason for it is deeply rooted inside of her, probably planted at a very early age.
So pondering about the 9s in the ages is futile. Sometimes when a person reaches a certain age or they are faced with a traumatic event (death of a parent, death of a friend, an accident,...) something clicks in their head and off they go. A second puberty or what's not.
Make no mistake, we all go through a transition, when we cross that invisible line from youth to middle age. But some cross with just a hiccup, where others face life altering decisions and events. This "confusion" can take anywhere from a couple of years, to forever, depending on the severity of the issues and the willingness to face them. This stage is most recognizable by the vacant stare, the empty eyes, sometimes called shark eyes. It is a dead giveaway of the process.
Some return, some do not, in a lot of cases, the LBS goes forward with his/her life and pursues happiness elsewhere. They say that the mending of a broken relationship when/if the wayward decides to come back is much much harder than the whole breakup. My breakup damn nearly killed me and I have decided that I do not want a do-over. I have healed and am single and I do love my life.
I have a great job, my kids are doing well, I get to travel the world and I thank god every day for my life.
There is also a lot of clinical evidence around this phenomenon. Read a lot of articles right after BD that suggested that 49 is a very dangerous age. Lots of clinicians talking about clients leaving families at 49 for that final "chance at life".
^^^^This. Yes. Holy Crap, in spades. The pending "50" thing with my own W was HUGE. She started talking about it almost nonstop, ohhhh... right about the time she started her descent into WW-ness and then her A with the OM. "I'm going to be 50!" She would lament. "You're not even 49, yet" I (the old me) would say.
Never understimate the impact a pending milestone birthday can have on a woman.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
There is also a lot of clinical evidence around this phenomenon. Read a lot of articles right after BD that suggested that 49 is a very dangerous age. Lots of clinicians talking about clients leaving families at 49 for that final "chance at life".
^^^^This. Yes. Holy Crap, in spades. The pending "50" thing with my own W was HUGE. She started talking about it almost nonstop, ohhhh... right about the time she started her descent into WW-ness and then her A with the OM. "I'm going to be 50!" She would lament. "You're not even 49, yet" I (the old me) would say.
Never understimate the impact a pending milestone birthday can have on a woman.
I'd say 50 is just a number, you aren't any different on your 50th bday that you were on the day before it. Yeah, that was the old me. The DBing me validated and moved on.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Nothing major to report. Things continue to progress between W and I. She's been affectionate at times which is nice.
D has improved. Pulled her grades up though they are still not where they were last semester. She still has some friends I'd rather she didn't but hopefully that will happen naturally.
Moved MC to tomorrow night this week. I'll report in if anything significant occurs from the session.
Thanks for inquiring, arsh!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
