Hello, I'm new here. :)

[Jlh]

Question, how do I go about distancing when there is a child involved?

I try to talk only about our son or house issues, etc and I never ask about him. Is this how the distancing works? Im reading the books and forums but I haven't seen anything on what to do where children are involved.

I agree with Nicole's comments. Distancing just means pulling back and giving him time and space. It means quit pursuing, quit calling and texting, quit asking about the M. Just leave him be. But when you do see him for kid exchanges and such, then yes by all means be cordial. The saying around here is "treat him like a friendly neighbor". So you're not trying to -avoid- him per se, you're just not going out of your way to contact him. Does that make sense?

It does. At first I was leaving the house in a hurry or running to another room to avoid him thinking that was how to distance myself but it didn't feel right. So I've been chatting politely with him now, saying a polite goodnight to him after my son says his goodnights over the phone or when he leaves the house after tucking him in some nights.

I'm just wondering if what I did doesn't help at all: I've been cleaning up the house and getting rid of junk and clutter we don't use anymore and I took some photos of us down. I have a few still up but majority are down in a safe place and I have boxed his stuff in our bathroom and put it in the closet for now. It's just easier for me to relax in the shower at night when I don't see his stuff reminding me of him before I go to bed. Is that a stupid thing to do like it could make him think I want to end it with him? I'm trying to GAL and take care of me but I'm afraid of weird signals he may take the wrong way.

[Kita14]

Hey JLH,

I replied to your comment on my thread, but I wanted to post here too. I read through all the comments on here and I find it very helpful to know that others are going through similar things as me, makes me fill not so alone. All of this talk of distancing, pursuit etc. is confusing for me too!! I've read the posts about it a few times, read the DR like 3 times and I'm still confused!

Hope we can all figure it out together and get through this horrible time one way or another!! Keep us updated on whats going on!

[Jlh]

Hey JLH,

I replied to your comment on my thread, but I wanted to post here too. I read through all the comments on here and I find it very helpful to know that others are going through similar things as me, makes me fill not so alone. All of this talk of distancing, pursuit etc. is confusing for me too!! I've read the posts about it a few times, read the DR like 3 times and I'm still confused!

Hope we can all figure it out together and get through this horrible time one way or another!! Keep us updated on whats going on!

This is one of, if not, THE hardest thing I've ever been through. It's confusing, heartbreaking, stressful, etc. I know I need to be patient, but husband is just so confusing right now. He comes over pretty much every night to tuck in our son and then has some small talk with me and then heads to his apartment. He is slow to respond to texts, yet will call to check on me sometimes when I am slow to reply to him.

Yes, big hugs to you and I hope we can all figure all of this out together too.

[Jlh]

Well I got back from my therapist and just did some shopping and it's a good day today. Something my H had said last week nagged at me and the way he said it made me wonder if he is feeling a horrible amount of shame in his EA actions. He said, "You can talk to me even after I hurt you so badly and lied to you, caused you pain?"

Therapist thinks he is under a huge amount of shame over what he did and that's why he doesn't want to talk right now and tried to run the last time I tried to talk to him.

Honestly, I did my own part in being not the best spouse either, I was a lazy, cold wife full of her own depression and worrying about our autistic son. I pushed H to the side with my constant worries of our son and it pushed him to another woman for attention. I don't excuse his behavior, but I don't hate him and I forgive him, I just wish he's talk to someone to get his feelings out. I still hurt and am angry at the EA but I turned to my own form of attention seeking with friends and pushed him away myself. I've thought long and hard about my actions to and I'm making many changes for the better. I can do things for myself around the home now, I drove to an area by myself that normally scares the hell out of me to drive there as a passenger, Im changing my attitude on life and learning to let my son be more independent. I'm looking for a job (im a sahm) and also looking into college. I'm doing it all for me and my son and I feel great (as great as a woman who has a husband who is lost can feel I suppose.)

I'm learning that I can stand up on my own even if the big D word happens and taking things a day at a time.

[Jlh]

So this is another weekend with the kiddo at my H's place. They call at night so my son can say goodnight to me and then H takes the phone and we say a polite have a good night to each other.

He's been going through a rough time still with his family a few towns over trying to help a troubled nephew which is not going well. In the past be would hate to tell me about it because he said I was judgemental and would vent and not be supportive, but lately he tells me about his issues which I listen politely and tell him that I'm sorry he's going through those problems. I keep things casual and light not trying to solve his problems but just listening to him. A few nights ago it was a really nice night and he was chatty and laughing and we were friendly, yet the next day he was a little distant again so I've been keeping things casual.

He told me to call him if I needed anything, when he stopped by to pick up our son for the weekend.

I try not to think too hard about it when I realized that he took a picture of us together to his place but left some treasured possessions of his deceased father in the house. My therapist says that his actions to leave are really rushed and it's still very early regarding his leaving so to keep doing what I'm doing like the book says and distance and be casual with him.

I would love guidance if anyone has any, sometimes I feel like I'm doing the distance thing all wrong even though I was surprised at the night we was more chatty than usual after not talking to him for a few days.

[Jlh]

Are we allowed to reply to others here if we have under 100 posts? I've been sort of using the page as a journal since I don't get replies really but I didn't know if I was allowed to reply to other newbies on their posts.

[Davide]

Yeah. For sure. I am still a newbie, but I have replied on other newbies posts.

[Maika]

You'll get more replies if you pose questions. Journaling is great, and I use my threads for that too, but you'll get more traffic with questions. Also, you can post from day 1 on other people's threads. That also increases more traffic as other people will want to read your thread and comment.

[Cadet]

Are we allowed to reply to others here if we have under 100 posts? I've been sort of using the page as a journal since I don't get replies really but I didn't know if I was allowed to reply to other newbies on their posts.

Of course you can - in fact I encourage you to do that.

Make friends here so you get more support.

[Jlh]

You'll get more replies if you pose questions. Journaling is great, and I use my threads for that too, but you'll get more traffic with questions. Also, you can post from day 1 on other people's threads. That also increases more traffic as other people will want to read your thread and comment.

Thanks! I was told I can only comment on my original post until I hit 100 comments. I guess that's why nobody sees my questions I've been putting only here.