Well, I owe you all an update. Busy week with the kids going back to school but I was getting ready to post. Then I got broadsided yesterday.
I've mentioned the young man I travel to pool tournaments with. He is the best in my state (I'm number two and am close, but he's really strong). Last season we probably traveled to 6-8 tournaments together with exceptional results. Not only was it tremendous fun, I emerged as a much stronger player. I'm very close to breaking through to the highest levels and he has been a big part of it. We practice together, spar together, talk pool, and compete in tournaments. All while making good money and having a blast.
He came over last night so we could firm up our tournament schedule and he said I should know something. He is currently in a relationship with a married woman. The woman he's talking about is married to another very prominent pool player in our community, and the wife is a pool player herself that is well known in these parts. Almost like one big pool circle around here. He says they've been seeing each other since April and things are getting serious, and that she's divorcing her husband. FYI, he is 26, she is probably 45 or older and has a teenage daughter that is knocking on the door of 18 if she's not already there. He felt he should tell me this because there may be some 'drama' as we go to pool tournaments, particularly when all parties involved are at the same place and most people will be connected to one party or the other.
I'm sick to my stomach and dumbfounded. What a horrible thing to be involved with. I hold the married woman slightly more accountable because she's the one that took vows, but not by much. It's almost like she killed 5 people, he killed 2. Either way for him to have anything to do with the destruction of a family is disgusting to me.
I think that's about the worst thing most people can do in their life. Sure, there's murder and child molestation, but only 1 in 10,000 people is a killer, and 1 in 2,000 is a child molester. When it comes to people having affairs and initiating divorces we're up to probably 60%+ of the general population. I think it's the worst thing done by humans on that type of majority scale. Horrible, horrible, horrible. I get he's 26 and doesn't understand the depths of the destruction, while growing up in a culture that says anything goes, but I am absolutely disgusted by this.
So now I have a fork in the road. I can continue to go to tournaments with him or not. It's almost like we're in a band together and have a bunch of gigs lined up. If I stop going to tournaments with him I no longer have a band, and the plans I've made for myself with pool all take a devastating blow. I was so pumped, I could almost taste the success because I saw the trajectory I was on, and this would derail almost everything.
But I can't see continuing to partner with him. Travelling to pool tournaments isn't just business, the friendship has to exist. There are 8 hour car rides both ways, days and even weeks sharing a hotel room, hours between matches day after day. If there isn't a good friendship that just isn't viable. I don't see any way to keep him at 'arm's length' while taking on this type of schedule. And I can't see being his partner publicly when everyone knows what's going on and sees me continue to ride shotgun with him.
Most of all it comes down to my personal vote. I am heartbroken this type of thing happens, and have feel outraged that our society is so complacent. I can't change my friend, and I can't change the world, but I get to cast my vote. I can't say I disapprove of this behavior if my behavior doesn't change in any way from how I'd act if I endorsed this behavior. The only thing that makes sense to me is telling him I enjoyed our friendship and partnership and wish him the best, but that I need to take some time out. That I can't be part of this both socially but primarily ethically. That he's free to call me if he needs help at some point, and if the situation changes we could revisit it, but that at this time I need to take a break.
Man, everything about this stinks. I am so discouraged. It's a huge loss for me for many reasons and seems so unnecessary. My heart really goes out to the LBH on the other end of this. He's not my favorite person and no friend of mine (although I've known him 20 years) but it's a shame this happens to anyone. Ever. And I am just feeling down about humanity right now. I swear I only have 1 good friend and maybe a couple more that I'm connected with in any meaningful way. To see someone I liked do something like this and having to say goodbye to that is brutal. It just seems like no matter how high my walls are and how many people I wall off, it's not even safe to let the few people I choose to allow in close to me. I don't hate everyone, but I'm at the point where I don't want to talk to anyone again. I just feel like keeping to myself altogether because the rest of this screwed up world beats to a drum that not only can't I relate to, I don't even understand.
Arg. Didn't mean to be overly dramatic. Just venting a bit. Sick. I know what I need to do. It's super hard, I hate confrontation and loss, but I've gotten through worse. Haven't we all...
Comments welcome. Hopefully I can shake this off and post a real update soon. Thanks guys.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hi Zues, you stood by your values and thats the only way to live your life. We can't control others or expect them to live by our ( right or wrong ) standards but we can keep them for ourselves. IMHO you can sleep easy with a clear mind. Tough situation for you but you handled it well.
I agree that cheating and walking away from your family is one of the cruelest things someone can do. Like there is a special place in dantes inferno for that type of betrayal. And the reason its such a sin is because they are committing it against the people they vowed to protect. Their own flesh and blood is affected and damaged from it. You have heard the term' "you cant betray an enemy" ? That is why it is just so painful.
When i was in the most painful part of my divorce, my favorite patient (who was going through some tough health issues) confessed to me that she was having an affair. This person was an incredible person. Kind, had a lot of depth, and soul. The type of person that put everyone else first. If she wasnt my patient we would have been really good friends.
It was hard for me to rationalize that such a good person could do this. It was hard because i needed to villify my own ex for doing the same thing to me. It was easier for me to let go of my ex by writing him off as a selfiah narcissit. But i swear to you' this woman was not in any way a selfish narcissit. Yet she was doing this. She was depressed and upset and stressed. She was not the charming type that knew how to appeal to the public or work on keeping up image and appeatances. . To be honest. I think she was insecure because of her health issue and history of weight problems.
Now, our relationship dynamic was different from you and your friends. So i am not sure how i would respond in a similar situatuon.
I will say that i think your reaction was very powerful. And i hope it has an impact. I hope it makes your friend think and reflect. You are right. Many people just do not get the severity of cheating and breaking up a family and if more people responded the way you did, i wonder if it would result in more people understanding thebtrue consequences of their actuons.
The funny thing is when he explained his perspective to me. It was all script. Her husband was a bad guy, she had already made the decision to end the marriage, they knew what they wanted and weren't going to wait for a document from the courts to make the divorce official. This almost sounds like a couple moving in together before marriage, after all, it's just a piece of paper, right?
The problem with that is that my friend doesn't understand the role he plays in taking her words (that she's done with the marriage) at face value, when in reality she's in pain and confused. If the entire world unanimously told her "You shouldn't do this, stay with your man, make it work, I don't want anything to do with you if you walk away from your vows" then maybe she'd rethink her decision. But when there are a line of men saying "Hey honey, was he a bad guy, well, c'mon over here, the grass is greener, I can show you..." then it just makes it easier for her to follow this path. It's almost like giving drugs to people in rehab. It's ultimately their choice to use, but they're in a vulnerable spot and making it available to them is going to sabotage progress that they might be able to make if they had a clean environment for a few weeks or months.
So again, I can't help the fact that most people will shrug their shoulders and not object. After all, I am more passionate about this topic than most and am closer to him than most and I could barely muster the gumption to do this. But at least for my own sake I did. I felt like I was a third party voter; it felt like throwing away my vote, but it was my only choice.
I have some other thoughts on this but I'm so wiped out and down right now I just have to call it a day. Thanks for being there for me guys.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
You did what was right for you and that is a wonderful thing. You are correct that we can’t change others, only how we respond. Good for you!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
And i think you are also making a statement that we all play a role. Like in bullying. It happens because there are many kids that stand back and just dont say anything. I think that the new anti bullying training tries to involve every one.
And yeah. The OM/OW is a big part of this and does have a responsibility. Sure it ultimately falls on the waywards choices. I have heard if it wasnt this person. It would just be someone else. But i think its a very clear' your in the wrong to go out with someone that is married and has a kid. Although a person with no relationship experience in their late teens early 20s really does not understand the gravity of this unless they witnessed it happening in their own family. When ineas in my late teens mone of my close friends was running around with a married man. She would tell me how evil his ex was. I stayed friends with her but told her shebwas crqzy to date this guy. She ended up stalking him and scaring him. And our friendship ended cause i realized she was a pretty bad person for other reasons too.
Your friend is 26. Does he have relationship experience? She is much older and knows how to manipulate a situation i am sure.
And one more thought (because i get very upset about this stuff as well) it seems like the only people that really empathize with the person getting betrayed is people that have been betrayed themselves. That type of empathy or foresight is like some sort of secret language you just cant fully comprehend unless you have been on the receiving end.
I recently wrote about this mom telling me about how her ex DIL is still bitter about her son ending their marriage when their special needs child was young. (Hes now 19) and how ex dil was remarried and she could not understand why she was still bitter. Her son paid a lot in child support and religiously saw his son twice a week but daughter lin law was way to over protective to allow sleepovers. Her narrative and perceptive upset me so much.
I saw through that BS right away' but i know the world does not. I know they listen to that sweet old lady"s story and have no comprehension of if the pain her DIL went through raising a child with special needs on her own. (Of course the reason for the special needs child was that the mother herself was slow and they were not a good match from the very beginning) ugh!!
Being betrayed is like opening pandoras box. You have a newfound wisdom that comes at a painful cost.
It was hard for me to rationalize that such a good person could do this. It was hard because i needed to villify my own ex for doing the same thing to me. It was easier for me to let go of my ex by writing him off as a selfiah narcissit. But i swear to you' this woman was not in any way a selfish narcissit. Yet she was doing this. She was depressed and upset and stressed. She was not the charming type that knew how to appeal to the public or work on keeping up image and appeatances. . To be honest. I think she was insecure because of her health issue and history of weight problems.
I don't know if I ever told the story to you, but my ex husband was my friend's boyfriend. I was the OW. I was 18. People who know me, know that it is not who I am. I, of course, felt guilt beyond guilt, even to this day. Me and that friend are actually close friends to this day, 20 plus year friendship. I was in the worst place in my life at the time. I actually wished I was dead. My mother went off the rails, back on drugs, my dad, my rock, was living with his AP, I had no home of my own, and everyone abandoned me. When he paid attention to me, I latched on like a literal life preserver. Just about the most unhealthy dynamic in the world, and heck, look where it got me. To this day, I deal with it in therapy. My friend forgave me, because she knows it's not who I am. She knew my life at the time.. I do believe good people make bad mistakes.
All that being said, I understand where you are coming from and your stance. My best friend, my biggest support in my life, one of the people I love the most wasn't faithful. My cousin is also not faithful. The internal battle is real. When I realized my dad was cheating on my mom with his now wife of 16 years, I lived in denial of it. I love my dad and he was always a great dad. Separating the relationships from the cheating is really really hard. In the end, you need to do what is right for you. What you are comfortable with. I am sorry this is happening,, because I know pool is your happy place, is a loss of a partner in something you do that makes you feel good.
