Hello, I'm new here. :)

[Jlh]

Hi Jlh, I am in the same boat. It is like H walks around with a needle to burst my balloon at every turn. I am cheerful, he gets angrier, I am aloof and minding my own business he reminds me of the D process. Also does everything at home as if in competition to prove he is independent and doesnt need me anymore. So feels like it is a common behavior for the WAS. I try playing this in my mind when such things happen: treat WAS and his comments as tiny speck of dust on your shiny new detachment coat, dust it off whenever they spew poison so it doesnt soak in.

It's ridiculous and insane. I set up boundaries that work for me and my son and then H takes it way too casually and then the next thing I know he is bringing up his leaving again. Its like a twisted back and forth with his words. My H moved out to his own apartment but from what I gather, he barely does anything but see his mom and needy family. He said he was unhappy at home so I cant see how THAT is making him happy dealing with family issues.

[25yearsmlc]

Jlh,

Is your husband still actively engaged in an affair?

I'm sorry Doodler, I didn't see your question earlier. I'm not sure about the affair woman right now since he never talks about it with me, but he DID tell me a few nights ago that he is changing phone numbers and getting rid of his old number. He says its for work reasons


but I don't know anyone who ditches numbers for new ones for work, he's never done that before and he's had many work phones in the past.

I'm so sorry you are here. But re changing the phone - it's one significant marker of an affair and I fear You already know this, Deep down.

He told me that he's give me the new number as soon as he gets the new one which I will need anyway for emergency contact for our son.

Yes, you will get the new number so he can tell himself he's doing well as a dad...

Have you seen a lawyer? You can talk to one without retaining them and knowledge is power.

I say this in part b/c you may not have an accurate picture of your rights and the finances.

Also, I don't want to project my situation onto yours, but do want others to benefit from my experience.

I would NEVER have imagined the things my now x did, up until i was actively IN the divorce process and discovering things.

X took all the money out of our joint accounts, blocked me from one, and took off when I had just gotten out of the hospital for a sudden neurological event.

At first I thought his behavior was fear of having to care for me and then SHAME about that but in time I can see now that 1) I was projecting how I would feel if I had done what he did,

and 2) that he is NOT me. X has rationalized every single betrayal and crappy choice He makes...and blames ME for everything, including his horrible r's with our 3 kids. I have not ever seen a letter to adult kids that had less insight in it. In fact, he doubled down on his narrative of blame others/x is the victim of an ungrateful family when he " bled" for us...(note the Christ like self reference).

It's the product of disordered thinking. I don't know and no longer care why he has a personality disorder but I do know I cannot fix it. And I thank God I have a solid T who helps me detach from the lunacy.

So, please Watch the money and see a Lawyer, asap.

Your h may well be confused, but a part of him is busy making plans.

Protect yourself and your son.

[Jlh]

Jlh,

Is your husband still actively engaged in an affair?

I'm sorry Doodler, I didn't see your question earlier. I'm not sure about the affair woman right now since he never talks about it with me, but he DID tell me a few nights ago that he is changing phone numbers and getting rid of his old number. He says its for work reasons


but I don't know anyone who ditches numbers for new ones for work, he's never done that before and he's had many work phones in the past.

I'm so sorry you are here. But re changing the phone - it's one significant marker of an affair and I fear You already know this, Deep down.

He told me that he's give me the new number as soon as he gets the new one which I will need anyway for emergency contact for our son.

Yes, you will get the new number so he can tell himself he's doing well as a dad...

Have you seen a lawyer? You can talk to one without retaining them and knowledge is power.

I say this in part b/c you may not have an accurate picture of your rights and the finances.

Also, I don't want to project my situation onto yours, but do want others to benefit from my experience.

I would NEVER have imagined the things my now x did, up until i was actively IN the divorce process and discovering things.

X took all the money out of our joint accounts, blocked me from one, and took off when I had just gotten out of the hospital for a sudden neurological event.

At first I thought his behavior was fear of having to care for me and then SHAME about that but in time I can see now that 1) I was projecting how I would feel if I had done what he did,

and 2) that he is NOT me. X has rationalized every single betrayal and crappy choice He makes...and blames ME for everything, including his horrible r's with our 3 kids. I have not ever seen a letter to adult kids that had less insight in it. In fact, he doubled down on his narrative of blame others/x is the victim of an ungrateful family when he " bled" for us...(note the Christ like self reference).

It's the product of disordered thinking. I don't know and no longer care why he has a personality disorder but I do know I cannot fix it. And I thank God I have a solid T who helps me detach from the lunacy.

So, please Watch the money and see a Lawyer, asap.

Your h may well be confused, but a part of him is busy making plans.

Protect yourself and your son.

Well I know he has a work phone strictly for his work and he's had his personal phone number for as long as I can remember which everyone friends and family knows he has. I'm just having a hard time picturing him ditching the personal number to create a new one out of the blue. I'm not sure what the deal is. Some good friends I mentioned this too all immediately figured he was trying to move on from his OW.

I do have a lawyer I will be consulting for info and suggestions though, yes.

[Jlh]

Has this kind of thing ever happened to anyone else?

Jlh, when you start detaching well, the WAS will often act in unusual ways. They'll try to out detach you. Or they'll get angry. Or they'll keep temp checking: "what's wrong?"

So yes this is normal. Keep detaching. Eventually his curiosity and he'll wonder what is going on with you. It isn't unusual for the WAS to react to detachment by assuming you met someone else. This is the usual accusation. Be prepared for anger at some point, most WASs hate losing power over the LBS.

Hey Steve85, could it be considered detachment on his part when H talks recently about moving all the utilities to my name, and he'll give me money for everything to pay them? He just suddenly started pushing this about how I can take care of it all and he'll make sure I had money but he wants to go very slow so I'm not overwhelmed. Then I wont hear from him about it for a while.

[Jlh]

H came by to pick up our son for the weekend and you'd think I was the worst person in the world the way he treats me. Is this part of the MLC process where they somehow get it in their heads that the LBS is the bad guy and they try to avoid them at all costs? My son and I were happy to show him a new game he learned and H just stands their stone cold toward me not listening as he starts to play with our son. I just shook my head and walked away.

Sometimes I wrack my brains trying to think of why he suddenly acts so repulsed by me and other than his EA I cant think of a thing other than the stress we went through for a few years due to our son's special needs.

I'm tempted to tell him civilly that I get that he hates me now and would rather not have to talk to me but I am his son's mother and deserves a little respect because I've been quite civil toward him in this mess.

And he always thanks me for letting him see our son. I don't understand that part because I would never keep them apart. I just made some boundary rules last week where he cant come by any times he feels like it anymore but he continues to thank me for letting him talk to our boy on the phone, see him some nights, on weekends, etc. He makes it seem like I'M the witch giving him grief.

[Jlh]

Or at least I think it is.

H had our son for the weekend and he was polite when he picked him up. We he dropped him off on Sunday evening we chatted a bit and he even made a small joke to which I laughed and teased back and he smiled.
I'd like to think this is huge since he's been so chilly to me for a few months now. I don't know if it's the new boundaries and more space we've had but the small joke seemed big to me like maybe a baby step.

I know it's a slow and steady thing to come out of this fog so hopefully it's a nice little step on him getting out of this haze of his.

[arsh18]

I'd like to think this is huge since he's been so chilly to me for a few months now. I don't know if it's the new boundaries and more space we've had but the small joke seemed big to me like maybe a baby step.

MWD suggests we look for little positives along the way, I know most people here will caution you to be alert and not fall for these WAS traps and I am sure that is true. But for those of us who want to stand up for the Ms, we need a tad bit of encouragement now and then. So while you dont start expecting any changes soon, enjoy the good feeling and continue doing whatever seems to be working while still remaining detached.

[Jlh]

MWD suggests we look for little positives along the way, I know most people here will caution you to be alert and not fall for these WAS traps and I am sure that is true. But for those of us who want to stand up for the Ms, we need a tad bit of encouragement now and then. So while you dont start expecting any changes soon, enjoy the good feeling and continue doing whatever seems to be working while still remaining detached.

I'm taking it as a very small step for now. He had emailed me earlier about something regarding the house and then seemed surprised when I mentioned later that I took care of it. It's like he's mentioning me taking over house utilities and then gets a little bummed when I follow through and look into them to start to learn more of them. (He took care of all of that before.) It feels like he has a reaction like, "Oh she really CAN take care of herself" and then he clams up and seems a little bummed.

It's like one minute he catches himself starting to smile with me or saying something like old times and then he turns to stone again to fight it. Its hard to explain but I'm thinking others in the same MLC situation have noticed this too.

[Jlh]

Is it normal for MLCers to do a one step forward and two steps back after a while? H is starting to be a little more friendly and warming up a tad, but then a day later he seems to back up a bit again.

Oh and someone told me here that more questions get answered here rather than journaling, but I'm not sure how to make it known its a question other than changing the title of the subject line which I've been doing.

[Cadet]

Yes its normal.

And if you want to ask a question then just do it.

And have patience for the answer