After a few days of H being friendly and more chatty than he has been, he takes a step back. I was expecting it so it didn't sting so much but it's crazy. I keep thinking of that Paula Abdul song about one step forward two steps back now.
I hear that two or three months in after a BD is still really early to see changes but blech. On the bright side, kiddo is done school for the summer tomorrow and I have a list of things planned to do with him.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
I feel like that all the time Jlh, its always one step forward two steps back and my H is not even 35 but he has MLC symptoms. Use the summer as a GAL time with your son, build a great bond with him and make it the most memorable summer for him. Good luck, I will monitor your sitch and be sure to support you.
I feel like that all the time Jlh, its always one step forward two steps back and my H is not even 35 but he has MLC symptoms. Use the summer as a GAL time with your son, build a great bond with him and make it the most memorable summer for him. Good luck, I will monitor your sitch and be sure to support you.
I'm sorry you're going through it all as well arsh18, I hope he snaps out of it soon for you and comes out of his fog.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
So lately H is acting less like Bizarro Husband and more pleasant. Per a conversation a few weeks ago, he knew that our son and I are going to be in a town parade for the Fourth of July and out of the blue a few days ago, he asked what my plans were for the fourth. I reminded him that the parade is that day and he offered to wait for us at the end of the parade to take us back to my car across town!
I thanked him at first and told him that I didn't want to take up any of his time in case he had plans and he had the saddest look on his face so I kept it polite and told him that I'd take a look at the email for the parade info and get back to him on the specific times. The next day I told him that I'd take him up on his offer and he had a small smile and said, "Okay, okay that works I can wait for you, I don't mind, I don't mind."
He actually let out three belly laughs when we discussed our son a few days before that rather than his usual clamming up and acting defensive and cold. I don't know if this is the tunnel starting to see a glimmer of light at the end but the vibes seem better.
My therapist reminded me that he gives mixed signals and we're in a limbo but her words kind of brought me down a bit. It feels in my gut that he's lightening up but she made it sound like he is just throwing out more mixed signals. It feels like she may not be a therapist who believes in divorce busting and she told me to just stay in the limbo part of this is I'm comfortable with it.
I don't know if this is proper to do, but in order for me to not take his mixed signals to heart, I just imagine that he is still talking to the other woman until I hear otherwise. We never discuss her but it feels like he may not be talking to her anymore from how he acts now but I could be totally wrong.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
Every time there has been anything positive in my sitch from WAH it is followed by something devastating, the nicer he is the worse the after effect is. So tread carefully, it is great if he is coming around but such things take a long time to happen. Be weary of any sudden changes, how involved is he in your Ss life and his summer vacation plans?
Every time there has been anything positive in my sitch from WAH it is followed by something devastating, the nicer he is the worse the after effect is. So tread carefully, it is great if he is coming around but such things take a long time to happen. Be weary of any sudden changes, how involved is he in your Ss life and his summer vacation plans?
That's how my H is, Arsh18, he's been doing a two step forward one step back lately but this past week he's taking a step forward and still not steps back yet. They are baby steps and nothing huge but it gives me more hope. I've learned to take it with a grain of salt and prepare for the slip backwards.
He's made vacation plans to take a day off every week this summer to spend the day with our son on top of our already agreed schedule. He's actually taking him out to more public places and being more patient with him. Our son is on the spectrum and it used to embarrass and frustrate H when we couldn't take our son to many places without him having meltdowns. But lately he's calmer and is smiling when they tell me about their time together.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
Well you were right, Arsh18. The step back followed the step forward like we figured.
I am just so tired and mentally drained and tonight on the phone he told me I sounded really stressed. I didn't mean for it to happen but it all kind of came out in a rush about how I was stressed over having to suddenly care for three pets, a child, the house, the yard, bills, looking for work, etc on my own now. But then I caught myself and said, "I'm sure you don't care so don't worry about it, I'm fine."
I don't know if it was the right thing to say but I was just so angry and annoyed that he actually told me I sounded stressed. I don't know why he even cares. He said he was unhappy and wanted out, yet he will ask how I am and then has the nerve to sound sad after I told him to not worry about me.
I miss my best friend and H, I just want this MLC crap to end already and it really [censored] if only a few months into it is still too early to resolve.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
I mentioned using the Divorce Busting method to my therapist and she just gave me a blank stare. I explained it a bit and got a look of disbelief. I mentioned how the book says that it takes time for the marriage to get better and I am trying to be patient while I distract and distance, etc. But at the same time I talk to her about my feelings to get them out.
She says that a few months is a long time to be in limbo and doesn't seem to agree with how it could take time for this to heal. I just don't know if I should find someone more "saving a marriage friendly" or listen to her "maybe it's time for a divorce" attitude.
I'm not ready to give in for a divorce, the bomb was dropped on me so fast that I'm still processing it. I'm just not sure if it's time for a therapist who is less divorce friendly.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
I didn't mean for it to happen but it all kind of came out in a rush about how I was stressed over having to suddenly care for three pets, a child, the house, the yard, bills, looking for work, etc on my own now. But then I caught myself and said, "I'm sure you don't care so don't worry about it, I'm fine."
Well like we always say you can't "guilt" him back so you shouldn't say that kind of stuff. But sometimes you just have to get something off your chest, and I don't think it was hurting your sitch either so don't lose any sleep over it.
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I don't know why he even cares. He said he was unhappy and wanted out, yet he will ask how I am and then has the nerve to sound sad after I told him to not worry about me.
He does care, but he's internalizing it because he doesn't want you to know he cares. Most people see their WAS being cold and indifferent and think that they suddenly don't care, but that is their unfortunate way of trying to prepare you for their departure. They think if they are cold and even mean that it will make it easier on the LBS. Of course it just makes things worse on the LBS, but they're not thinking clearly and that's the result.
Originally Posted By: Jlh
I mentioned using the Divorce Busting method to my therapist and she just gave me a blank stare. I explained it a bit and got a look of disbelief. I mentioned how the book says that it takes time for the marriage to get better and I am trying to be patient while I distract and distance, etc. But at the same time I talk to her about my feelings to get them out.
She says that a few months is a long time to be in limbo and doesn't seem to agree with how it could take time for this to heal. I just don't know if I should find someone more "saving a marriage friendly" or listen to her "maybe it's time for a divorce" attitude.
I'm not ready to give in for a divorce, the bomb was dropped on me so fast that I'm still processing it. I'm just not sure if it's time for a therapist who is less divorce friendly.
Unfortunately most therapists fall under the category of "divorce facilitators". This is the whole reason Michele wrote DB in the first place, as someone who is intent on saving marriages she was very frustrated to find there were no resources for that while there were plenty of resources and therapists pushing D. So if you want to stand for your M and your therapist is not helping you with your goals, then by all means look for a new therapist.
