OHHH ok, that makes total sense! So just treat him like a friendly neighbor but nothing more.
Its just hard when I'm afraid that pulling away will make him feel that I am done too when that is hardly the case. I think that is whats holding me back from detaching. His last word remarks always keep me holding on when I need to just brush them off. Thank you so much for the explanation!
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
I've been doing much better at everyone's advice here on distancing but it seems like more the more I do that the more H is cold and almost rude.
I try to text him to discuss house topics like bills or our son and he takes his time getting back to me, when he even bothers replying to verify questions.
Its like the more I set boundaries and keep things all business he throws out a comment or two about getting the rest of his things which he never follows through on or else tells me about how he is adding access for me to view our various utility accounts yet will continue giving me money to pay them.
When he does talk to me, he is SO casual, not exactly indifferent but he replies mostly with "Cool..." or "I'm in..." like he did when I went over our sons schedule to stay at both of our places. He barely discussed it with me he just stared blankly at the paper and said, "Cool..." He does this for everything I ask regarding the house and our son and then later on comes back with some form of comment where it feels like he's trying to make it known that he's in charge and that usually happens from him after I stand my ground on this. I focus on me and my son now and it's like H needs to stamp his foot and throw out a "rule" of his own to get back at me.
Is this part of the MLC process when they act like this? He was never this cold to me and he basically just tries to avoid me or else has something else to toss at me when he can see that I'm in better spirits or getting more control of my life and growing more independent.
Has this kind of thing ever happened to anyone else?
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
Has this kind of thing ever happened to anyone else?
Jlh, when you start detaching well, the WAS will often act in unusual ways. They'll try to out detach you. Or they'll get angry. Or they'll keep temp checking: "what's wrong?"
So yes this is normal. Keep detaching. Eventually his curiosity and he'll wonder what is going on with you. It isn't unusual for the WAS to react to detachment by assuming you met someone else. This is the usual accusation. Be prepared for anger at some point, most WASs hate losing power over the LBS.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Oh! Ok, thank you Steve85! He finally got back to me regarding a home utility topic and seemed impressed that I figured out a way to save good money but then at the end of the conversation again he had to add a little something to stir the pot. It's like dealing with my five year old at times.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
Is your husband still actively engaged in an affair?
I'm sorry Doodler, I didn't see your question earlier. I'm not sure about the affair woman right now since he never talks about it with me, but he DID tell me a few nights ago that he is changing phone numbers and getting rid of his old number. He says its for work reasons but I don't know anyone who ditches numbers for new ones for work, he's never done that before and he's had many work phones in the past. He told me that he's give me the new number as soon as he gets the new one which I will need anyway for emergency contact for our son.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
I'm sorry Doodler, I didn't see your question earlier.
Jlh,
No problem!
Ultimately, I guess it doesn't really matter too much if he's actively in an affair, or if it's just MLC. The point I wanted to make is that any time there's a third party in a marriage, then the marriage relationship is disrupted and a lot of weirdness on the part of the cheating spouse seems to arise. But, I certainly don't know how to discern between MLC and just plain-old affair behavior.
Given that he's changing his phone number, it sounds like something is amiss so he's probably currently having an affair of some sort.
he's trying to make it known that he's in charge and that usually happens from him after I stand my ground on this. I focus on me and my son now and it's like H needs to stamp his foot and throw out a "rule" of his own to get back at me.
Is this part of the MLC process when they act like this? He was never this cold to me and he basically just tries to avoid me or else has something else to toss at me when he can see that I'm in better spirits or getting more control of my life and growing more independent.
Has this kind of thing ever happened to anyone else?
Hi Jlh, I am in the same boat. It is like H walks around with a needle to burst my balloon at every turn. I am cheerful, he gets angrier, I am aloof and minding my own business he reminds me of the D process. Also does everything at home as if in competition to prove he is independent and doesnt need me anymore. So feels like it is a common behavior for the WAS. I try playing this in my mind when such things happen: treat WAS and his comments as tiny speck of dust on your shiny new detachment coat, dust it off whenever they spew poison so it doesnt soak in.
I'm sorry Doodler, I didn't see your question earlier.
Jlh,
No problem!
Ultimately, I guess it doesn't really matter too much if he's actively in an affair, or if it's just MLC. The point I wanted to make is that any time there's a third party in a marriage, then the marriage relationship is disrupted and a lot of weirdness on the part of the cheating spouse seems to arise. But, I certainly don't know how to discern between MLC and just plain-old affair behavior.
Given that he's changing his phone number, it sounds like something is amiss so he's probably currently having an affair of some sort.
Yeah, I honestly don't know if he's still talking to his EA woman anymore, I assumed that he was trying to ditch her finally when he gave me this huge detailed reason why he was getting rid of his old line and getting a completely new one. I just don't know and I try to focus on my kiddo.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
