Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 2

[Davide]

Thanks Cadet for restoring that!

So I am set to talk to her on the phone at 5:45 this evening. I'm going to try to go to the gym beforehand to work off some nervous energy and distract my mind.

I think I just need to be as transparent with her as possible. I dont think she wants me to support her at all, but I need to ask her about that. If she is frugal she should be able to make it on her own, she makes an okay salary and our city cost of living is not crazy high. If she doesnt want me to support her, then I really shouldnt have a say in her budget. She will probably need some money from our savings to get started (buy car, put down payment on apartment, pay car insurance) and we should discuss that. We should discuss the few shared bills we have. We should also discuss the credit cards and the house.

I am still not sure about dividing up the savings. I am open to opinions on that part.

[TBSakaJ9]

If she can make it on her own after you split up the joint bills then I agree with your assessment. If she can make it on her own but you pick up more of the bills then that could work to.

I took on the majority of our bills and ended up giving my EW an additional $300/mth. I could have split the bills 50/50, made her pay for the car she was driving, etc. but then I would have had to give her more money. So we agreed that I would pay more of the bills and give her less money. We each had the same spending money allowance each week, the same grocery allowance, etc. That way one person didn't feel like they were getting the hose job.

We also split our saving account in 1/2 at the time as well. I kept bank statement of the before and after for my records.

We are now D'd and the arrangement during this time period had no bearing on what was put into our D decree.

[Davide]

Thanks Joseph.

Anyone else with advice? We talk in 1.5 hours.

[TBSakaJ9]

When I brought up the subject to my EW she was more than willing to split up our finances.....you might find out that the conversation will be easier than you think.

TBH......if you are separated IMO you must do it. I had no desire to know my EW's whereabouts, what she was going, what time of night she was doing it, etc.

Technically the only things she paid for was her rent, living expenses and cell phone bill. I paid for everything else.

[Davide]

Ok. So we talked and it was fine. I feel much better for having had the conversation with her. I am sure that I did things that people here will tell me are naive, but I trust her.

The conversation itself was a bit awkward but I led about it being a good idea to separate our finances some more so that we can both be more independent.

We are both going to open new separate bank accounts which will get our direct deposits and tie to our credit cards. I am going to take my wife off my cards, so they will be just for me. We are going to take 5k or so each out of our joint savings and put them into the new accounts so that we can both live off that until the direct deposits get going - and that way she will have some money to start her new life. We are going to keep the joint accounts for now, but they will only be used for paying the mortgage, house upkeep, and dog expenses. We both have debit cards for that. I know that is dangerous, because she could just walk away with all that money but a) I trust her b) I will monitor and c) our equity in our house is worth more than all of our savings.

We are going to separate our phone plans and I am going to continue to pay for amazon and netflix but she will drop off (she didn't want them.) I will pay the gym bill but she will pay me half each month (it is a lot cheaper as a family membership).

She is planning on living off of her salary alone so I felt no right to give her a budget, she can work that out herself. I asked what happens if she quits her job, and she said that she guesses she will have to find a new one!

As of now the mortgage on the house will keep coming out of the joint account, rather than our personal ones. Once I start living there, I'm not sure if I should take that on out of my account or not. I tried to talk about the value of the house, etc.. but didn't get very far.

There were two strange moments - I asked if she had almost got a car yet, given that I am taking the only family one on Saturday. She evidently has done nothing about it, saying that she was focused more on finding a place to live (although she has two more months in the house.) I reiterated the offer that my boss had made (he has an extra car for a daughter who isn't old enough to drive yet), and this time she said that she would take it if possible. So now, I have to ask my boss, two days before leaving, if that is still a possibility. It's a bit awkward, but he offered, so I'll at least inquire.

Second, she asked me if I wanted her around while I packed up on Saturday. This is strange only because she had previously asked me in an email if I was okay saying goodbye in person on Saturday and I had replied, sure. It seems strange that she would forget that. Or maybe she thought I had changed my mind.

Overall, the conversation went well. I was assertive and cheerful and listened to her thoughts, although she was pretty much willing to go along with anything I proposed. I kept it as upbeat as possible and stressed that I just wanted transparency so that no one got hurt or resentful. I am pretty happy with how it went, although, of course, she is still hell-bent on getting away from me.

Next step... saying goodbye in person on Saturday!

[LoneWlf]

Davide- sounds like things went pretty good. Just prepare yourself for Saturday. Be upbeat and positive. Dress well and wear cologne so you can appeal to both eyes and nose. No R talks and stay calm and be the lighthouse. I know you got this! We are all cheering for you. Stay Well!

[Maika]

Looks like you handled that really well. I second what LoneWlf said. Look smart, upbeat, and stay positive. You got this!

[Davide]

Thanks!

I actually just got back to the house. I stopped over there to drop the car off and drop off some items that I took home from school for the end of the year.

I told her I was coming, but when I knocked on the front door and called out, she didn't answer. The dog came running in from the backyard to say hi to me, and I played with her for a bit so I know she knew I was there. So I knocked on her office door which was mostly closed and said hi. She looked like she was almost at the point of tears then, and at a couple of other moments. I on the other hand was upbeat and chipper, with a fresh haircut and shave.

We ended up talking for nearly half an hour on the couch. Mainly about bills, banking, her apartment situation. She didn't really offer up too much about herself but she asked about me. We talked about her getting a new car or just renting one when she needs it in the coming months. She was peeking at my new wrist tattoo so I showed her. She asked me about my weight loss and how I was feeling. It was all very light and relaxed, probably more on my end than hers.

At the end I gave her a hug and she remarked on just how skinny I was because she could feel my ribs.

It was really good on a number of levels. It was good to see her again, especially in advance of Saturday so that wont carry quite so much weight. I was also really happy with the way that I carried it. It wasn't really an act, I felt good and confident. I also felt happy just because I was talking with her. Its probably not great for my detachment, but I left feeling really good despite no signs of her resolve wavering. She did seem impressed with my physique and attitude changes.

2 more days til the road trip!

[TBSakaJ9]

I am glad it went well....my EW was actually excited when we sat down and split our finances. Over time I realized that any conversation that was about me embracing or working more towards her independence was welcomed with open arms.

[Vanilla]

V,

Thanks again for your detailed responses.

I don't think my W has any idea about where she is going to live yet (still up to 2 months away) and I havent asked for obvious reasons. Should we be coming up together with a fair budget for her?

Yeah her credit card draws from a joint account, obviously that would be one of the 1st changes. Once that happens, the limit is her problem.

I will ask about the job situation. and the house.

I am most confused about the splitting of the accounts. We have a good bit of savings in our joint account, I thought that you had advocated for splitting that (in some fashion we can agree to) and opening separate accounts. But in your most recent comment you tell me to be careful with that. I'm not sure what I am supposed to do with that money then. Both of us need some of it to live until our direct deposits catch up in the new accounts. My friend suggested putting 5k each or something like that in the new accounts. Honestly, I would prefer to ask her to sign a release taking her name off of the joint accounts since we have so many automatic withdrawals. That could be more complicated, though.t

I just want to make sure that I have thought this through. I really need/want to talk to her about this tomorrow if possible.

The splitting of capital is a different matter to that of income.

One thing you require legal advice on. If you split capital and liquid assets then you have to make sure that it sticks if she spends her portion.

So the splitting is fair but that should stick. All you are doing is advancing capital to either of you.

You don't want a judge to come along later and say, oh look one half is spent now split the other.

Is that clearer?

V