Well as I said it is well within your rights and power to do RR. I wish you the best in whatever you choose. I think sometimes posters give these types of ultimatums thinking it will cause their spouse to want to R. So I wanted you to be prepared for the likely outcome. As I said WSs/WASs tend to recoil from pressure and pursuit. So likely she will fall back on "I am moving out and getting a D" since that was her proclamation. People do not like to go back on proclamations.
I advocate a wait and see approach. Time tends to be what WSs/WASs need to "overcome" their BD proclamations. Pressuring them to choose before that time has elapsed will 99.5% of the time result in them adhering to those proclamations.
You seem content with either path so maybe you are ready to have that heart-to-heart. But only you know that. Please keep us updated.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
But I'm not putting any pressure, no ultimatum. I am merely suggesting that we get proactive about an amicable split if in fact, that is still what she wants. I am in fact removing pressure. No?
I may be removing some of the mystery of my personal state. Her time has elapsed.
There is no reason to expedite this possible plan. I feel fortunate that I have this group to bounce things off of.
Again if I am missing something bring it on. I feed off of others perspectives. Once I pull the pin, I can't replace it.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
If you are truly ready to file which I think you are BSing yourself I would say something like this:
W we have been sleeping in separate beds now for almost a year. I understand this has been very difficult for you but I can no longer live my life in limbo anymore. I love you and I adore you and I would really like for us to get into counseling and work this out. Listen carefully to her response and validate when necessary. If she agrees to counseling excellent! If not you file.
You have to be congruent with your words. No lighthouse BS I will be waiting as plan B.
I just want to warn you ahead of time 10 times out of ten you are not going to get the answer you are looking for.
Good luck!
I may be BSing myself. Will we ever know until the time comes? Right now I'm just looking for any answer.
As for Lighthouse, I didn't say that I would be waiting. Oh no. Today I am still open. Tomorrow? I can't make any promises. I remember getting dumped decades ago, a couple of times, only for the woman to come back later and find out I have moved on. No plan B here.
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W we have been sleeping in separate beds now for almost a year. I understand this has been very difficult for you but I can no longer live my life in limbo anymore. I love you and I adore you and I would really like for us to get into counseling and work this out. Listen carefully to her response and validate when necessary. If she agrees to counseling excellent! If not you file.
I like your choice of words. I will see if I can better temper my message.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Yes, asking her to make a decision is pressure. Again, if you are at the point where you don't want to wait any longer then it may be appropriate pressure.
One other word of caution, even if she says she agrees to the pro activity and amicability, and says she stills wants a D. Likely the actual work of filing, etc will fall to you. This is typical WAS/WS behavior. In the first two months of my sitch my WW pushed me to "file" several times. When it comes to D they want it, but they don't want to do the D work.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
As far as she is concerned, there is no decision to make. She made it and I am to understand that it still stands until further notice. I know this because she informed me that unless I hear otherwise I am to know that whatever she said still stands.
Lol, I know how stupid it sounds. They keep you in the dark so they can control you.
I'm not filing squat. I will help her find a place and or will start looking for my own place. I will help her see how the math is going to work.
Steve, you know this is all about the PW change. I have to draw a line somewhere and if she is or is heading toward a new OM, this is inevitable.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
See as I suspected you are not ready to file so do not bring up any R talks. You are trying to get a reaction out of her to make the pain go away.
Until you get to a place where you love and value yourself enough to stop putting up with this BS just continue to move forward and get a little better each day.
I am trying to get a reaction. No so much for pain but I have lived in Limbo for 6 months. I'm not filing because, at this time, today, I don't want a D. I am willing to accept it. If it is to happen, I want here to do it.
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Until you get to a place where you love and value yourself enough to stop putting up with this BS just continue to move forward and get a little better each day.
BINGO! I do believe I am there. I am not putting up with this BS. That is the point.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Yes limbo is painful!!!! I lived it for 2.5 years and as I read here once it's soul sucking.
What reaction are you trying to get? You are right I never loved you blah, blah, blah. or oh no honey I love you so much let's make it work. Your not gonna get either. You are just gonna become more unattractive to her.
You are not there or you would communicate to her in a loving way that you can't do limbo anymore and if she doesn't want work on the marriage you will file. When someone changes the terms of a relationship that you don't agree with you walk and you never look back.
There is nothing wrong with filing if you are done. There is nothing wrong for standing for your marriage if you are not.
Why do you want to be with a women who doesn't want to be with you?
Its actions that will turn this around and it is on her terms not yours unless you file.
I know this is harsh $hit and this is very hard but I am trying to help you work through the thought process.
Again I am not telling you to file I am just reading between the lines of the BS your spewing right now because you are upset about the PW change which is rightfully so.
RR, my point was that the R talk will not result in limbo going away UNLESS YOU TAKE THE STEPS TO MAKE LIMBO GO AWAY AFTER THE TALK.
If you want to ask her to move out, then do it. But don't expect it will happen fast or soon. WWs are notorious for dragging their feet on this kind of thing.
Do not move out of the house. That would be a mistake, almost every DBing expert agrees with that.
Yes I understand it is about the PW changes, and the emotions (attachment) you are feeling because of that. That is why you should take some time to consider things. Just read STH's thread, he confronted and now he is dealing with the aftermath. Most LBSs have a likely outcome (one that favors them) in their mind when they take these kinds of steps and it rarely works out that way.
Again, no one would blame you if 6 months in limbo is too much for you and you want to take steps to end things. But expecting her to take action after a R talk is not likely to incite that action.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So in the process of taking some time to consider things. A version of this talk just kind of happened. Sunday morning D15 left for the beach with a church group and we were left alone. After making coffee I decide that the time was right and I tried to initiate.
She stood there like a sad little girl and said: "I don't want to". I said okay, how come? who do you feel you are cheating on? She said she felt she was cheating on herself. I validated and a version of the planned discussion just slipped out.
She is not blatantly defiant these days. Nor is she very empathic. She listened and until the end when I think she felt some guilt. I felt heard. Some highlights:
She had previously described feeling held hostage earlier, so I used the same words to explain how I felt since she bomb dropped that she was moving out in May and now that May had come and gone. No update or anything.Blah blah.. She looked confused and I asked did she understand. She said it made sense but she never considered it. I explained and reminded her that I had made mistakes and was sorry but had never hit nor cheated on her. That after all we had been through, why not communicate like mature adults and respect the feeling of the other? If you still want to go, why not tell me in a way other than an emotional outburst that I never know if it is honest or is just said in the heat of an argument. When you say you don't always feel heard, perhaps it is due to the delivery. I also explain that if she felt that I didn't trust her, it was because she refused to take the steps to regain that trust from 4 years ago. I reminded her that regardless of what happens with our R she would benefit from having my trust. She said she wasn't even sure she knew what to do. BS, she never tried to find out either. Some sort of hold back punishment?
So a lot more was said and I stayed calm and tried not to sound too accusative. She listened, yet never seemed to feel the need to offer much explanation. But didn't respond with too many excuses either.
Like I said I didn't plan to hit her with this talk, it just kind of was drawn out.
We both pulled back yesterday but are cordial today.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
